Shadows

[hobbit86]

I am chased by a shadow,
Such darkness deep inside.
It follows me wherever I go,
There is nowhere I can hide.

Slowly my soul it consumes
Tearing me limb from limb,
Blood is pouring from my wounds
The darkness begins to win.

My eyes are but a shadow
Of what they used to be,
Glazed over from the torturous pain
The shame is all they see.

My mouth spews only vileness
Hate, despair and lies.
The truth hidden beneath a mask
No one sees the disguise.

My body's just a vessel
Filled with shame and rage.
The shadows taken over,
My soul is in a cage.

My thoughts begin to vanish,
I see the end in sight.
A foul darkened gale
Blows out my final light.

What you see is not alive
It is dead from deep within.
Rotting and treacherous from the core,
A body full of sin.

Invisible Shadows 2011

[Todd]

Hi Hobbit,

Just some thoughts to consider. I'm going to go a little out of order here. These two stanzas:

My body's just a vessel
Filled with shame and rage.
The shadows taken over,
My soul is in a cage.

What you see is not alive
It is dead from deep within.
Rotting and treacherous from the core,
A body full of sin.

Speak fairly clearly to the type of disassociation that comes from some sort of sexual abuse. The body is a vessel. There's a detachment like how a home feels after a burglary. The what you see is not alive speaks to going through the motions of life after trauma.

Now how to improve it: mostly at this point I'd like you to look at the meter. We've got some good threads on that in the practice forum. While I encourage you to read them, the first step is simpler. Read this out loud and ask where you're forcing the syntax to make the rhyme, or where the irregular length of the line causes the rhythm to feel off, then make adjustments.

I could focus on some other points but that's a good first step.

I hope that helps.

Best,

Todd

[seriouslyme]

Your poem had good rhyme and with each stanza it seemed to increase with intensity. Nicely done.

Heather

[hobbit86]

First edit

Being chased by a shadow,
With such darkness deep inside.
It follows me where I go,
There is nowhere I can hide.

Slowly my soul it consumes
Tearing apart, limb from limb,
Blood is pouring from my wounds
The darkness begins to win.

My eyes are but a shadow
Of what they used to be,
Glazed over from tortured pain
The shame is all they can see.

Mouth spews only vileness
Words of hate, despair and lies.
Truth hidden beneath a mask
No one can see the disguise.

My body's just a vessel
Full of endless shame and rage.
The shadows taken over,
Soul trapped in a self made cage.

All thoughts begin to vanish,
The end is plain in sight.
A foul darkened gale
Blows away my fading light.

What you see is not alive
It is dead from deep within.
Rotting and poisoned to the core,
A body so full of sin.
----------------------------

I've had a go at making it less personal...by removing some of the 'my' and 'I' etc...

Also...not sure if it's correct to do it this way...but I've tried to make most of the lines 7 sylabuls in length rather than 9 here, 8 there...6 etc...I've read about the meters and I just cannot grasp how to make IP etc work...so I thought if I could have a regular sylabul pattern that might help with rhythm...so 7, 5, 7, 5. or 7, 7 ,7 ,7...or 7, 5, 5, 7....will that work, or should I be using a meter like IP etc?