My First Ever Haiku

[brandontoh]

This is the first haiku I have ever written. Still can't believe I actually saved it.

Pristine snow blanket
Veils the field a sleepy hue --
The world falls asleep

[Jae Mc Donnell]

That's really great. Even though it's a cold image, I get a real warm feeling, as in warm fire, fall asleep.
But on my last haiku I was told you shouldn't use adjectives. So maybe change out sleepy for sleeping maybe or drifting might work

Pristine snow blanket
Veils the field a sleepy hue --
The world falls asleep
[/quote]

[AspiringWordWeaver]

That's really great. Even though it's a cold image, I get a real warm feeling, as in warm fire, fall asleep.
But on my last haiku I was told you shouldn't use adjectives. So maybe change out sleepy for sleeping maybe or drifting might work

Pristine snow blanket
Veils the field a sleepy hue --
The world falls asleep

[/quote]

---

This was quite evocative for me. However, I did struggle a bit with "sleepy hue." Partly, I think, because I find it hard to picture white as being sleepy. Also, the repetition of the root word sleep in two successive lines is not ideal. This is already good, and I think a minor tweak or two would kick it up another notch.

[Hurst]

This is the first haiku I have ever written. Still can't believe I actually saved it.

Pristine snow blanket
Veils the field a sleepy hue --
The world falls asleep

I agree with the person who said it's simultaneously warm and cold. It's a nice juxtaposition. I personally don't like the word 'hue'. I feel like it's an archaic word, and, don't get me wrong, some archiac words are interesting, but this one felt out of place. I love the idea of the world falling asleep in this winter place though.

[cidermaid]

I liked this Haiku and loved the image of the blanket of snow...as the first comment says warm / cold (also makes my mind think of spring that is under the blanket of snow waiting to wake up...so for me this has a great seasonal element)
I don't agree with the sentiment / opinion of the last post
Since when is hue an archiac word? What word would you use to describe the depth or degree of a colour?
Perhaps there might be an argument to put forward that we are not specifically describing a colour in this poem so hue is not in keeping. But personally i think it fits really well into the poem. Snow is not just white. It has depth of colour depending on the light intensity and the deepness of the covering of snow. For me this word adds an image of what it would be like to look out on the world from under the blanket of snow.
Good read, nice first effort.

AJ

[justcloudy]

well done! comfortable and frigid all at once.
building on cidermaid's comment, snow does have many hues. maybe change the word sleepy and then change hue to hues. as it stands I agree that hue is a bit out of place-- I don't really see where the color fits in.