The Shadow of Us
Are you going to die? my son asks,
happily. I push open the heavy door
between the darkness of the theatre
and the soft sunlight outside.
Yes, I say, someday,
when my beard is long and and white
like Gandalf! and I scoop him up
and scratch my grizzly chin against his neck.
I want to hear him laugh-
to keep at bay,
for just a little longer,
the knowledge of death in him,
to keep him free
from the tangled branches
of our blackened family tree,
to hide from him the hollow place
where the echo of suicide whispers.
I can only hope
when it's his time to ripen and fall,
he will be borne
on some sweet gust of luck
and land softly, in sunlight,
far from the shadow of us
Something I want to read and think about again later. To see if I have any new thoughts or feelings. Seems like it could use a little more work. Another run through, or a couple. Why? I'm not sure yet. A few things feel a little off. But not by much at all. I'll have to think about it. It seems pretty good to me.
Well, there's more good than bad. Now that I look at it again. I think it could use some smoothing out at certain places. But I could easily change my mind about that. The circumstance of the poem just comes off nicely. It has a gnarly feel to it, it the best sense of that word. So though I keep repeating that it could use some work: I like it as it is.
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I like the idea of this poem...It reads nicely but i think you need to touch it up a little.
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(01-29-2013, 12:01 AM)Rowan Wrote: The Shadow of Us
Are you going to die? my son asks,
happily. I push open the heavy door
between the darkness of the theatre
and the soft sunlight outside.
Yes, I say, someday,
when my beard is long and and white
like Gandalf! and I scoop him up
and scratch my grizzly chin against his neck.
I want to hear him laugh-
to keep at bay,
for just a little longer,
the knowledge of death in him,
to keep him free
from the tangled branches
of our blackened family tree,
to hide from him the hollow place
where the echo of suicide whispers.
I can only hope
when it's his time to ripen and fall,
he will be borne
on some sweet gust of luck
and land softly, in sunlight,
far from the shadow of us
Structure I think is the most prominent problem here. You need to divide your poem into different stanzas so that it flows better and is easier on the eyes, especially since there's dialogue. You provide good imageries and the title is gripping. So do work on the structure first, and we'll see what comes after.
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Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
Hi rowan.
i think you have a good poem on your hands here. go over it though and you'll see some mistakes, things like two ands side by side. there are a couple of small words you don't need and after Gandalf! or for a few line further down.
but those little nits aside i found it a sad yet entertaining poem. the last line hooks back to the title and allows the reader to ponder for a few seconds before reading the poem again
thanks for the read.
(01-29-2013, 12:01 AM)Rowan Wrote: The Shadow of Us
Are you going to die? my son asks,
happily. I push open the heavy door
between the darkness of the theatre
and the soft sunlight outside.
Yes, I say, someday,
when my beard is long and and white
like Gandalf! and I scoop him up
and scratch my grizzly chin against his neck.
I want to hear him laugh-
to keep at bay,
for just a little longer,
the knowledge of death in him,
to keep him free
from the tangled branches
of our blackened family tree,
to hide from him the hollow place
where the echo of suicide whispers.
I can only hope
when it's his time to ripen and fall,
he will be borne
on some sweet gust of luck
and land softly, in sunlight,
far from the shadow of us
Thank you very much for your thoughts everyone. "gnarly" is a wonderful compliment rowens, thanks!
