A failed attempt

[lisanna]

Cheese!!!
Just another day where I keep faking my smile
Oh its freezingly cold outside
Something I can t feel
Did you burn your hand again?
A wound that will never heal
That seems about right, there should be life inside
But the decent attempt just failed
I wish it would be more than just a fairy tail
I am so tired, my eyes just faint
Please I am begging you come back to me, take me in your hand

[rowens]

Is this any specific practice?


Cheese!!!
Just another day where I keep faking my smile
Oh its freezingly cold outside

'it's'


Something I can t feel

'can't'


Did you burn your hand again?
A wound that will never heal
That seems about right, there should be life inside
But the decent attempt just failed
I wish it would be more than just a fairy tail

Do you really mean a fairy's tail?
Or is it a typo: 'fairy tale'?


I am so tired, my eyes just faint
Please I am begging you come back to me, take me in your hand


Overall, this poem seems to be very close to working. It's not bad; just a little more work.

[brandontoh]

Cheese!!!
Just another day where I keep faking my smile
Oh its freezingly cold outside
Something I can t feel
Did you burn your hand again?
A wound that will never heal
That seems about right, there should be life inside
But the decent attempt just failed
I wish it would be more than just a fairy tail
I am so tired, my eyes just faint
Please I am begging you come back to me, take me in your hand

Try to show instead of tell. It helps build imagery and immerse people into your poem. For example, instead of ".... I keep faking my smile", try something like "Stiff expression, a smiley mask" Your poem is rife with 'telling' lines, so do keep the 'show, don't tell' mantra in mind.

The general lack of punctuation is something that could be worked on as well. Introduce some commas and periods at the right places and it'll make the poem flow better.

Lastly, try to avoid cliches. I'm not too concerned over this, since once you start writing more, you'll stop resorting or coming up with cliche lines.

Hope I'm of help. =)