The War Within

[doolasmind#11]

This is my first time ever posting here. I write poetry and I show it to my friends and family and they all say they like it but that only keeps me content with what I am doing. So I decided to post here where people would be brutally honest. I do not know much about the templates for poetry so I would especially be interested with insight as to how I can improve in that area. Other than that have away.

Strength of a man measured in deeds
Pursuit of paradise based on the creeds
Lords might judge but serfs are the jury
Kings react slow but peasants must hurry

Happiness is lost, Faith goes too
You know not fate, Yet fate knows you
Condemned to life, We serve out the sentence
Most feel guilt, And give due penance

Keep your head down, Lest you scrape the ceiling
Ambition is kept near, What a guarded feeling
Doubt does lurk, Ready to pounce
Hope does float, Ready to bounce

Bold men aspire, They dare great feats
Weak men sit, And reserve the seats
A flower blossoms in the coldest of places
And humility masks the boldest of faces

Life is dear to none and all
The meek can rise, The great can fall [/i]

[Leanne]

Doola, what you have here shows some really good thought processes that, with practise, will lead to good poetry. Practise is the key though -- and reading as much poetry as you can in order to get a feel for what's possible and how it can be done. For example, this poem is largely dependent on the rhyme scheme, which is quite good for the most part but in places it's obvious that you're trying to force words in to fit. This awkwardness will lessen with time and experience. I have not critiqued this as is required in Serious as you have stated that you are just starting out, so I suggest that this be moved to the Novice forum. If you are agreeable, please let me know and I'll move the thread.

You have some very fine lines here: "Kings react slow(ly) but peasants must hurry" and "Keep your head down lest you scrape the ceiling" are stand-outs. Be very careful of "Yoda-speak" -- mangling the grammar to fit the rhyme. Sometimes (very rarely) it works but mostly it just seems odd, as in your "doubt does lurk"/ "hope does float".

Some practise in meter will smooth out some of the bumps for you -- you will find some basic meter instruction here and some exercises in form in the Poetry Practice forum. In the meantime, please feel free to read and comment on other people's poems -- letting people know what you like and don't like can really make a difference to their poetry.

Welcome to the Pig Pen!

[doolasmind#11]

Thank you Leanne I already feel welcomed . I will definitely read those links and I hope to be able to apply them in the near future.

[craigdaniels]

I'm new to reviews. I really liked your style and delivery, it had almost a taoist kind of feel for me. Inspiring perseverance yet showing both sides of life, the dark and the light dancing together yet positivley charged.

That's what I go out of it anyway. Very nice work!

[doolasmind#11]

I'm new to reviews. I really liked your style and delivery, it had almost a taoist kind of feel for me. Inspiring perseverance yet showing both sides of life, the dark and the light dancing together yet positivley charged.

That's what I go out of it anyway. Very nice work!

Thank you for your kind words, and yes I have read a lot of of Taoist works and Buddhist as well, and they are a big factor in my thought process when I write, also in life in general.

[billy]

hi doo
i see leanne's already pointed out the practice forum where we keep most of the poetry forms, and the meter reference. these will serve you well if you give them a chance/try.

i can't add a lot to what she said buit i will reinforce it by saying it's a lot like i would have said. make sure you check your grammar, for instance, a capital letter comes after a period and not a comma.

This is my first time ever posting here. I write poetry and I show it to my friends and family and they all say they like it but that only keeps me content with what I am doing. So I decided to post here where people would be brutally honest. I do not know much about the templates for poetry so I would especially be interested with insight as to how I can improve in that area. Other than that have away.

some good lines in the poem; the 2nd line though 'the' isn't needed.
and line 3 but again it doesn't need the 'the' in there, there are more and i think you have a base for a good poem here.


Strength of a man measured in deeds
Pursuit of paradise based on the creeds
Lords might judge but serfs are the jury
Kings react slow but peasants must hurry

Happiness is lost, Faith goes too
You know not fate, Yet fate knows you
Condemned to life, We serve out the sentence
Most feel guilt, And give due penance

Keep your head down, Lest you scrape the ceiling
Ambition is kept near, What a guarded feeling
Doubt does lurk, Ready to pounce
Hope does float, Ready to bounce

Bold men aspire, They dare great feats
Weak men sit, And reserve the seats
A flower blossoms in the coldest of places
And humility masks the boldest of faces

Life is dear to none and all
The meek can rise, The great can fall [/i]

[doolasmind#11]

Thanks Billy, my biggest question is based off this poem is there a particular style that I would be suited too, just starting off as I am?

[Leanne]

Doola, nobody can really answer that for you -- the best thing to do is read as much as you can and if you see something you like, try it. The only way to learn is to actually do

There are a lot of different exercises and forms on site, and don't be afraid to ask questions of anyone -- if there's a poem you see that you like, I'm sure the writer won't mind explaining how it's done or why they've written it the way they have.

[billy]

that's a hard question to answer. i'd say only you can tell that.
i'm sure if you tried you could do a good sonnet or any other basic form
that requires a fixed meter and rhyme scheme, you probably won't great
at them at first but from this i doubt it would take you long to become decent.
work on the rhyme and meter first off, once you get the form you can edit
to get it better, don't accept cliche though, they can be easy to use in poetry
forms but hard to get out of the habit...so just have a go at as many forms as you can.
the odds are you'll end up doing free verse as well. the more types you try, the better chance you have of finding something you enjoy doing.

[Todd]

Doola, nobody can really answer that for you -- the best thing to do is read as much as you can and if you see something you like, try it. The only way to learn is to actually do

There are a lot of different exercises and forms on site, and don't be afraid to ask questions of anyone -- if there's a poem you see that you like, I'm sure the writer won't mind explaining how it's done or why they've written it the way they have.

That would be a fun thing to do in Novice or Practice maybe [poem name]-deconstruction

And then just walk through it line by line. If you like the idea Doola go for it.

I'll be back later to comment on your poem.

[Card]

I like it. But, like Doola, I do think there are some places where you have more words than you need, and it sorta disrupts the flow when I read it. Like after "happiness." Happiness is three syllables, so it's a bit unbalanced to have the "is" after it.

Really though, a big problem in some poems is the repetition of articles. There's only a few, and they're necessary in prose and speech. We tend to gloss over them in those situations. Because of that, it's difficult to put in too many of them. However, poetry is more like music. People are gonna notice a quarter-note, even played really softly.

Basically, I really like your poem but it could flow better if you omitted some words that you don't need.

[doolasmind#11]

Card, thank you and i am going to work on a revision to repost soon to see if i was able to incorporate everyone's comments and advice

[Fathima]

This piece is beautiful to me. I loved every single line. ♥

[doolasmind#11]

thanks Fathima