The Cat in the Hat

[aaron]

The cat put on the hat
(the hat was full of bees)
There's f**king Bees in here! he screamed
they brought him to his knees

He threw the hat and ran
jumping like a toad
the bees were done he caught his breath
and rested in the road

now swollen welts and blood
had covered head to tail
and resting in the desert sun
had him slow as a snail

in shock he crawled and tried
to reach the yellow line
his whiskers heard a mournful meow
as soon it would be time

he'd almost reached his goal
the grass so green and lush
with screaming tires and wailing horn
his moan at once was hushed------

now here lies frank the cat
his memory remains
with every car that passes by
and swerves to other lanes

[tectak]

The cat put on the hat
(the hat was full of bees) No need to bracket as what you are imparting is definitive and blatantly quintessential to the poem. By using brackets you are telling your reader a secret......which it is not: except, perhaps, to the surreal cat. Right now I cannot tell which way this is going.
There's f**king Bees in here! he screamed Now the bees are all copulating and accordingly , plural so not "there is" but "there are". I assume the word is "fucking" but you leave it open to translation. To what end? Unless this is a "serious" children's nonsense poem I cannot justify the asterisks. You make no attempt to punctuate your words, no quotation (speech) marks or commas, colons or stops to detemine your sentence structure. Is this a quirky ommission..... because it is open to criticism in "serious" crit?


they brought him to his knees. Now, lets just get the image here. There is a cat wearing a hat and the cat is on its "knees". I think this is a very forced rhyme because the cat now runs off on powered patellas......I am lost. This needs clarification if it is to be taken seriously.......which you insist it is.

He threw the hat and ran
jumping like a toad
the bees were done he caught his breath
and rested in the road Again, no punctuation at all but the rhyme has a comical quality due to the interesting ABCB scheme. It is not irritating so you must be doing it right. It reads easy as a nursery rhyme, seriously.

now swollen welts and blood
had covered head to tail
and resting in the desert sun
had him slow as a snail Same as previous stanza but emphasis has to be bent a little to fit. Is there a desert toad? Ah yes, I remember one that lives several feet below the sand to prevent dessication between deluges. Hmmmm...was that a desert, though? Seriously. Not the best stanza. No snails in the desert.

in shock he crawled and tried
to reach the yellow line
his whiskers heard a mournful meow As this line is not part of the rhyme scheme you could have made more of an effort towards clarity and sense. Hearing whiskers? Seriously?
as soon it would be time Just too simplistic and forced. You only have to rhyme two lines out of four......is this the best you can do. Seriously, I think you are much better than this. Punctuation.

he'd almost reached his goal
the grass so green and lush
with screaming tires and wailing horn
his moan at once was hushed------"Jesus...this is a hell of a desert", said Alice. As she spoke the lush desert grass grew and grew.....and all that remained of the cat was its grin. Ah.....I' ve got it at last.....you had me going there, dude. Seriously.
Punctuation would help a whole lot.
now here lies frank the cat
his memory remains
with every car that passes by
and swerves to other lanes With all this swerving I guess his remains remain. Punctuation would help.

OK Dude?

Caps key faulty......serious critique?
tectak

[aaron]

Dude... I cant make sense of what you wrote. Yes i put this in serious crit. Are you gonna tell me what you think or not?

[smakpopy]

Although the wearing of the hat and agitating of the bees are what drives frank to jump along and end up laying in pain on the road, the question i have is: "why was a cat wearing a hat, and why were bees in a hat?"

If it is a reference to the cat in the hat children books, then you have your reason why he put a hat on.

So is it some sort of rib against that particular cat, that you wanted to depict his death?

Maybe you just dont like cats, in any case why not be more gruesome in the description of the diein and dead cat, maybe add some other characters that do more in disgust than simply swerve to other lanes?

[aaron]

ok like maybe his memory lives on with each tire that leaves a bloody imprint or something idk or some more stuff happens to him. i jst thought it would be cool if there was bloody nursery rhyme/lymric or something that you think will be nice and fluffy but actually leaves you wanting to vomit. like happy tree friends or the woodland critters from south park.

---

Well i appreciate your thoughts guys. Tectak thanx for finally telling me what you think. I'll take this into consideration. It is my personal opinion that punctuation is dumb.

[Haunter]

I'm not sure whether you intended this poem to be associated with Dr. Seuss' children's book, or to be a self-standing, non-referential one. Anyways, I find it intriguing. The style seems like a mixture of Edward Gorey, Tim Burton and Lewis Carroll.