Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
Foaling. Time, feet first out burst.
Budding, swelling bursting forth.
Bright light, new day. Start.
Nurturing
Start right, richly veined.
Overflowing growing grass.
Soft breath nuzzling.
Breeding
Nuzzling, nipping.
Leap, thrust, hold. Innocent eyes.
May pierce, slipped, held deep.
Growing.
Deep sleep, dappled shade.
Bugs biting, raindrops kissing.
Play fighting, free running.
Resting.
Running sweat, deep heat.
Matron guarded, siesta.
Refreshing dawn dew
Replenishing.
Due for a long drink.
Full fat gloaming, evening mist.
Dark green gathering.
Weaning.
Gathering clouds pile
Flanked deep, heaving gates aside.
Hard tack, ground to creep.
Learning.
Creep, cross over. Call
on the wing. Path flight first thought.
Restricted. Re-zoned.
Leaving.
Zoned in, colour cloned.
Leaching last connecting shades.
Last step, door is closed.
Embryo.
Closed off, bagged bundle.
Fast expanding awareness.
Fruitful winter store.
Lockdown.
Store shed, bellies full.
Cracks plugged to mud and decay.
Main stay, straw and hay .
Waiting.
Hay prepped, full mangers.
Cloy clods, frost, sun, wind clearing.
Emerging bud time.
This was a sort of experiment of playing with the forms inspired by some poetry i viewed at this site: http://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.org.uk/...poems-2011 (In particular some of the 2007 poems). I was trying to combine the connecting word thread that holds a a crown of sonnets together into a series of Haiku (or senyru). So I've flung the thought down on paper without any editing to get some feed back on if the idea works, before i do any further work on this.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Terrific idea -- I keep telling people that haiku and sonnet are closely related forms but they don't get it. It's not about the number of words, it's about the spirit of the form, the question/answer thing. But anyway, let's have a look 
(12-26-2012, 11:40 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Foaling. Time, feet first out burst. -- the inverted syntax doesn't work for me at all, I'm afraid -- this is definitely the line to change, as you use "burst" here and "bursting" in the next line, which in a short poem is a bit of a waste
Budding, swelling bursting forth.
Bright light, new day. Start.-- but a gorgeous image for a starting stanza/poem
Nurturing
Start right, richly veined.
Overflowing growing grass.
Soft breath nuzzling.
Breeding
Nuzzling, nipping.
Leap, thrust, hold. Innocent eyes. -- love the action in this, it's energetic (and a little voyeuristic!)
May pierce, slipped, held deep.
Growing.
Deep sleep, dappled shade. -- lovely sounds lead to equally lovely images
Bugs biting, raindrops kissing.
Play fighting, free running.
Resting.
Running sweat, deep heat.
Matron guarded, siesta.
Refreshing dawn dew
Replenishing.
Due for a long drink.
Full fat gloaming, evening mist. -- "full fat gloaming" is great
Dark green gathering.
Weaning.
Gathering clouds pile
Flanked deep, heaving gates aside.
Hard tack, ground to creep.
Learning.
Creep, cross over. Call
on the wing. Path flight first thought.
Restricted. Re-zoned.
Leaving.
Zoned in, colour cloned. -- not sure about the re-use of "zoned", but "colour cloned" is very nice
Leaching last connecting shades.
Last step, door is closed.
Embryo.
Closed off, bagged bundle.
Fast expanding awareness.
Fruitful winter store.
Lockdown.
Store shed, bellies full.
Cracks plugged to mud and decay.
Main stay, straw and hay .
Waiting.
Hay prepped, full mangers.
Cloy clods, frost, sun, wind clearing.
Emerging bud time.
The idea certainly works! Sorry, this is a bit heavier critique than usual in this forum but it's a bit longer than usual 
It could be worse
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
Thanks for the feedback leanne.
I had not worked this one very hard, i was just keen to get something down and see if people thought the general idea worked.
Suitably encouraged i will have a go at fine tuneing this a bit. (Totally agree with the comments made above concerning first stanza...is v weak now I read in light of comments).
Will have a re-look at what i can use for the transition word in S9.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(12-26-2012, 11:40 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Foaling. Time, feet first out burst. the syntax could be changed i think.
Budding, swelling bursting forth. burst and bursting feels too much
Bright light, new day. Start.
Nurturing
Start right, richly veined.
Overflowing growing grass. i like the line a lot.
Soft breath nuzzling.
Breeding
Nuzzling, nipping. nuzzling in the last one as well
Leap, thrust, hold. Innocent eyes.
May pierce, slipped, held deep. i was a bit confused with this line
Growing.
Deep sleep, dappled shade. okay, i'm getting the gist now, the last/first line, forget my other comments on the repeat thing. it works
Bugs biting, raindrops kissing.
Play fighting, free running. perfect
Resting.
Running sweat, deep heat.
Matron guarded, siesta.
Refreshing dawn dew
Replenishing.
Due for a long drink. this is a bit of a cheat
Full fat gloaming, evening mist.
Dark green gathering.
Weaning.
Gathering clouds pile
Flanked deep, heaving gates aside.
Hard tack, ground to creep.
Learning.
Creep, cross over. Call
on the wing. Path flight first thought.
Restricted. Re-zoned.
Leaving.
Zoned in, colour cloned.
Leaching last connecting shades.
Last step, door is closed. another solid stanza.
Embryo.
Closed off, bagged bundle.
Fast expanding awareness.
Fruitful winter store.
Lockdown.
Store shed, bellies full.
Cracks plugged to mud and decay.
Main stay, straw and hay .
Waiting.
Hay prepped, full mangers.
Cloy clods, frost, sun, wind clearing.
Emerging bud time.
This was a sort of experiment of playing with the forms inspired by some poetry i viewed at this site: http://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.org.uk/...poems-2011 (In particular some of the 2007 poems). I was trying to combine the connecting word thread that holds a a crown of sonnets together into a series of Haiku (or senyru). So I've flung the thought down on paper without any editing to get some feed back on if the idea works, before i do any further work on this.
i like the idea of it. i particularly like the idea of the connections between each part. if i had one nit it would be that at present some of the stanza feels disjointed in the phrasing. other than that i think it's a great effort
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
Hi Billy, Thanks for the feedback. Thought it would be you who would pick up my cheat (darn it!). 
I have two questions (sort of directed at both you and Leanne as it involves both of your pet poetic forms)
My other idea on this one was to combine this form with another form that would run secondary (and sort of offset in presentation). So in effect there would be three poems in one:- A combined poem (Read as one continuous stream / piece) and then the two individual poems read separately...as they are set out on the page. Was entirely thinking of using a sonnet (but the sonnet would have to be line spread down the page). Wanted to capture my love for watching the seasons and every different stage of growth and development in the horses. So hence a love poem about nature in the seasons and Haiku for the horses. Assuming I can manage this...which I'm not sure I can....I wanted to sound people out on the idea (before I pull out all my hair trying)...so posted this section first....Leanne and you have both given favourable comments that the form idea works, for the first stage (and I’m not to bothered about the content at this stage...I know it is weak and highly flawed, but comments noted for when I get to it) ....I'm more interested in the concept / idea. So what is your view on this second application being added?
A second question: You mentioned some confusion over these lines:
Nuzzling, nipping.
Leap, thrust, hold. Innocent eyes. (Watching foal at foot)
May pierce, slipped, held deep.
This is describing a stallion covering a mare..Normally done around April / May....piercing - flagpoles and all that good stuff. The mare can then hold the covering or slip it...and some mares are so deep you need a snorkel if you are going in to examine them! 
Do you think this unreachable / too specific to the breeding industry or
having read the poem all the way through it becomes more apparent. I ask because I notice that sometimes you make a comment on the hoof as you read through and then edit this on reflection or completion of reading the whole poem....just wandering if I need to change this when I work on it?
Really appreciate your thoughts and comments on this one. Quite excited about the idea and seeing if I can make it work, but not sure if it is just a bit random and silly or not. So give it to me straight and put me out of my misery if this is a daft idea.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
all i can say about the nipping nuzzle is, now it's explained it works, but so does lots of stuff that gets explained. the question is; would most people get it. not being a horse person i'm not the one to answer personally i'd say make it more definable to the general reader.
there's a form called cleave poetry but i don't think the same as what you're suggesting. though i'm not sure. it's sometimes the experimental poetry that opens wider doors. i'd say go for it
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
I got the mating thing so it's either fairly clear or I'm just a bit of a pervert
As I said earlier, I think the sonnet matches the haiku form nicely and would probably work in parallel, but... they might actually be too close so the effect might not be all that spectacular. Plus, a sonnet has only 14 lines so there's not a lot of room for the seasons to fully turn. There's a longer form called a ballade that might do the trick though.
It's an ambitious undertaking but it's exciting to see people thinking outside the box -- sure there are rules and conventions, but there are no limits in poetry.
It could be worse
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
Sorry about this...it is kinda getting out of control.
Billy :- please feel free to move this if you wish, I know I've strayed miles from the intended Haiku thread. (Don't mind where...who knows what this should come under  )
Ok a few notes to help out....
Poem on left = Luc Bat
centre poem = Haiku (ish)
Poem on right = Sestina (of sorts...first effort at one of these)
I have a few questions.!!
Poem is now finished, but it looks like a huge block of text.....Is this going to make it off putting to the reader?
What do you think of the choice of poetic forms? (I decided I couldn't make the sonnet work because of the line count). Not sure I've really got the hang of the sestina, I think i might have miss a rule concerning iambic meter. The sites I looked at didn't agree on this. (...and I end up with the last tercet hanging at the bottom, which is a bit messy). My other options considered were a ghazal or pantoum....I personally think the Luc Bat is working quiet well. Particularly looking for opinions on this question please. (I'llm post the poetic form i used notes below to save people time looking them up)
My final question concerns the punctuation. Dose anyone have any opinions on this. Should i set it out with the punctuation correct for the overall poem...ie as it is presented on the page....or set up the punctuation for the individual...or does anyone think it should be written to be grammatically correct which ever way it is read? [ if the latter i think i will probably loose the will to live and give up because i don't think i'm clever enough to do that!]
Many thanks for your help
Don't worry I've nearly finished obsessing about this It's a long way from what i set out to do, but it has been fun.
SEASONAL
March sighing for her love. Timed out burst. Feet first. From new born to necrotic nurturing.
Of late, urgent opportunist, budding swelling, breaking dam. Weathering, the pains that are growing.
now loves’ unprejudiced, bright light, new day. Start. The clock is ticking on life, replenishing
April, gained through pained mist. Full of Start right, richly veined, every cell, a laden nurse in waiting.
Bourgeoning subterfuge, overflowing growing grass. Ever changing, outreaching, yet never leaving.
Springs the heavy deluge. Doe eyed, Soft breath nuzzling. The slender, tender touch of love resting.
May leaves the safe refuge, nuzzling, nipping. Freshly planted, sap rising, not resting,
rough and rude the buds are shaken! Leap, thrust, hold. Innocent eyes behold the glazed nuance of nurturing.
Taken. Lust awakened may pierce, slipped, held deep. Cleaving into clefts, dividing and leaving,
June all too soon, overtaken. Deep sleep, dappled shade, green and golden garlands growing,
sowing a veil of tears. Bugs biting, raindrops kissing. Soft voiced trees, whispering, waiting;
worn out by drought filled fears, played out. Play fighting, free running, cloud baiting. Dewy caress replenishing
July blue, high, dry, clear, running sweat, deep heat. Moisture reaching roots replenishing,
searching out the cool smoothing streams Matron guarded, siesta. The hived bees in honeyed ease resting,
Slip-streamed by a moon beam. Refreshing dawn dew, dropping nectar. The knowing in the waiting.
Ascending, slender dreams of mist. Due for a long drink. The blushing dog rose nurturing,
the final fling revealed. Full fat gloaming, evening mist, twining through the vines, growing.
Pensive August appeals. Concealed, Dark green gathering, falling curtain of swords cleaving, leaving,
September – reluctant. Congealed, gathering clouds pile; gentle cow-parsley graciously leaving,
bleeding beauty now takes the field, flanked deep, heaving gates aside. All moisture withdrawn, non-replenishing.
a fate caressed and sealed. Stone-ground, hard tack ground to creep, worm feed swelling, forever growing.
October refused to yield. Pierced lamb, creep, cross over. Call a turning clod aside, belly up, resting.
A nest bound, last swallow not yet on the wing. Path flight, first thought. A fatal kiss amid the nurturing.
Fully fledged, held in debt. Restricted. Re-zoned, abandoned, alone. The pointless waiting.
November plays roulette. Focussed Zoned in, colour cloned. Browned off, so very tired of waiting
for the final dozen. Leaching last connecting shades, the upper floor players are leaving.
The broken bridge. Orphan, sylvan last step, door is closed. Fully paid up, net gain in the nurturing.
Leaves December corban. Closed off, bagged bundle. A silver thread among the thorns, replenishing
The simple things that mean so much, Fast expanding awareness. A silver dagger for a tongue, resting,
dependant on love’s touch. Fruitful winter store. Yet ravenous and rapine. Still growing.
January will need a crutch. Store shed, bellies full. The winter wolf is growling and growing.
With darkened countenance, Cracks plugged to mud and decay, dependant on the benefice whilst waiting.
Provenance, luminance; best guess, Main stay, straw and hay. Upon which, the babe will soon be resting.
found in pre-eminence. Hay prepped, full mangers. Much vaunted harvest, southward leaving,
the growing grace, a fitted glove. Cloy clods, frost, sun, wind clearing and leading the grey away, replenishing
February’s white dove. Emerging bud time awakening, first loves’ natural nurturing.
Resting on the breast of growing love.
Held in the nurturing and ever waiting arms,
Once graven, never leaving, seasonally replenishing.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(leanne's on a road trip for two week)
this reads very much like cleave poetry. i'm not well enough up on luc bat to comment on that aspect. it seems to be working so far
Posts: 108
Threads: 32
Joined: Dec 2012
Hello AJ. I wont leave a full comment right now, as I'm far too sleepy. Just wanted to point out how I love the sound and feel of the part: running sweat, deep heat.
Matron guarded, siesta.
Refreshing dawn dew
Also great idea, you seem to have a good grip on it.
Posts: 522
Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
(Whole poem at bottom of page 1)
I intend to now start editing this poem.
I will dismantle the individual poems and post them in the mild section, before i reassemble it.
Form reminders
Luc bat is a 6 / 8 line, alternating syllable count. Rhyme appears in 3’s
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
Pattern repeats through the poem (as long as you like) then last 6 & 8 loop back in connected rhyme to first 6. (as above shown in bold italics).
Sestina is a 39 line poem consisting of 6 x 6 line stanza (6 sestets + 1 terset) Consistent, but any length line. The last words of the first six lines (in the 1st sestet) are repeated in different order for subsequent sestets. (I havn't done the iambic element of this form as I the site I looked it up on didn't mention this and I've only just read this on a different site...so not sure which is correct)
1 2 3 4 5 6 - End words of lines in first sestet.
6 1 5 2 4 3 - End words of lines in second sestet.
3 6 4 1 2 5 - End words of lines in third sestet.
5 3 2 6 1 4 - End words of lines in fourth sestet.
4 5 1 3 6 2 - End words of lines in fifth sestet.
2 4 6 5 3 1 - End words of lines in sixth sestet.
(6 2) (1 4) (5 3)
...And of course the Haiku which Billy instructs us on in this thread.
|
