the unseen

[Hurst]

I drive the empty streets,
From pool to pool of light.
Heartbeat slowed, in my chest,
Imagination altering line of sight
To see what isn't quite right.

I know what I fear does not exist,
That my enemy's my own mind,
That these winds are no more malicious
Than the stars when aligned
Or a lonely sea captain left behind.

Cars shreik through nearby streets,
Like vultures circling their prey.
These irrational fears of synapses,
For the moment stay, but
Will seem nothing in the light of day.

[Pete Ak]

I think I can understand what you're trying to do with this piece. The occasional line (eg L5) doesn't quite scan but it's a minor quibble. Maybe to consolidate the relief implicit in the last line the preceding lines could be a little scarier than circling vultures and shrieking cars but as I can't think of anything myself that may be unfair!

[billy]

Hi hurst. the rhyme scheme was going great till. prey/but/day, try and change the but to something that rhymes.
a constant meter would help with the flow of the thing. you're 2nd line is something we can see. instead of saying street light you say pool it add something more. it can be something sinister. you need more lines like that. word picture to show us the fear. but good effort nonetheless.

[arbil_poieo]

I enjoy the connection between stars with wind and cars with vultures, it's original. To me the vultures dont represent the fear, it represents the irrationality and enhances it for the reader to understand the person's irrational thinking better at least that's what I got from it. My only critique would be line 3, I think you can either describe the slow heartbeats for the sake of keeping it or just leave it out altogether because it isn't that necessary. I have another thought, it's mostly my preference...when starting a new line and capitalizing the first letter after ending the previous one with a comma, I don't know why but it throws me off, it might just be me. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this.

[Hurst]

Thanks everyone. First I'd like to say sorry for the late reply. I was driving through Tasmania and got a tad distracted. For the constructive criticism, thanks. I wasn't sure what kind of feedback I'd get here. (Some boards are a little too soft for my liking.)

Thanks for the critique and the compliments. I'll apply what I can.

-Hurst