:o

[Pigler]

Fear

I see the frown on the face of the queen,
I see the shattering crown on the head of the king,
I see the kingdom falling apart,
I see it falling to chaos and disregard.

I see a man staring in the distance,
I see a man taking a steel strong stance,
and with the hand of iron they forge
the faith of the fortress of St. George.

The simple peasant and his simple wife
defend against a sword with a knife,
and in all this hell and despair,
all hope seems to be bare.

No knight in shining armor,
to defend the fortress near the harbor.
The almighty ship's mast,
being cut down by fire swift and fast.

Fiery particles flying through the air,
every sailor on death's crosshair.
Many souls taken, many lives lost,
led from the inferno to a land icy frost.

And in this land, all that remains
is not hope, it's scars and pain.
The land, not for saints, but sinners,
the home of murder and sorrow,
the home of torture and hurt,
where lays the Devil's hut.

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome!
You did a good job with this. The lines flowed really well together, but I really didn't get the sense of fear from this. I got the sense of bravery actually.

Also, why did you change from abab to aabcde in the last stanza? It's longer and you changed rhyme. It's just completely different from the rest of the poem.

I like the line "I see a man taking a steel stance" very strong line.
I've also noticed that you while writing this it seemed that you got more comfortable with it and not using "I see" like you were, you completely changed the narrative, which isn't bad, it just makes it interesting and made the line after "I see" seem stronger.

[Pigler]

Welcome!
You did a good job with this. The lines flowed really well together, but I really didn't get the sense of fear from this. I got the sense of bravery actually.

Also, why did you change from abab to aabcde in the last stanza? It's longer and you changed rhyme. It's just completely different from the rest of the poem.

I like the line "I see a man taking a steel stance" very strong line.
I've also noticed that you while writing this it seemed that you got more comfortable with it and not using "I see" like you were, you completely changed the narrative, which isn't bad, it just makes it interesting and made the line after "I see" seem stronger.

Thank you

I'm not sure about the last stanza, this is a poem I kind of made months ago. I was sitting on the bathroom, inspired greatly and the lines just started writing themselves in my mind .

You just motivated me to post&write more.

Thanks for your input!

[arbil_poieo]

Good, I look forward to reading some more of your work....this was a great start.

[billy]

i think it feels a little too generic. who is the poem about, at present i see nameless and faceless people and places. because of this i feel locked out.

[TwistedAngel]

i really enjoyed this the only thing i didnt liek much wos the repetitive 'I see'..was a bit much, maybe one at the start of each of the first 3 stanzas instead ? (i would say 4 stanzas but am sure somone would have me for bad english at "I see no knight" ) tho sounds like it might work

i read this as the author is seeing the fall of his nation.. descending into chaos

[Leanne]

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