Ballincollig (rev. I)

[serge gurkski]

revision I: (ty Leanne!)

Baile an Chollaigh


Some gunpowderlesserly
attitude despite the 3d Munster fusiliers
would not have done you less good.
But on Saint Oliver's garden of dead
rests Rory Gallagher's grave
among kempt green cut into shape by asphalt,
so a less ferocious attitude -
be it even against Napoleon - ,
when pilgrimaging on these grounds
would be a close-eyed moment of sound
of your heart
before your voices dance again.

Original:

some gunpowderlesserly
attitude despite of the
3d Munster fusiliers
would not have done you less good.
But on Saint Oliver's garden of dead
rests Rory Gallagher's gravest grave
among parsley green and blue black asphalt
so a less supposedly ferociously
general attitude -
be it even against Napoleon - ,
when pilgrimaging on these grounds
could I dare to suggest
be a close-eyed moment of sound
of your heart

before your voices dance again
(soon to be dead too of course,).

Unless disproved.

Tatto'd Lady from his unforgettable Irish Tour

cheers to Rory!

[Leanne]

Much to like here. I'm only passingly familiar with Rory Gallagher, mostly through tributes by other artists whose work I admire, so if he's been their influence I should remedy that You evoke the senses nicely with colour and sound, even smell.

I do get a bit lost in all the adverbs though, and I think I'd be tempted to remove a few of them, especially "ferociously", which would work far better as "ferocious".

Now, away to Youtube!

[serge gurkski]

Thank you, Leanne. You are right about the adverbs. I ll look into those.
At youtube please don't miss: I wonder who and Bullfrog Blues ,-)

cheers
Serge

p.s.: I see that I must reformulate a bit in order to get rid of a couple of adverbs and will. ,-)
p.p.s: and of some of the somewhat forced wittiness too. ,-)

[Leanne]

I think that's a much better line to end on. More wistful. It's tighter -- though "despite of" is a bit odd, I'd say either just "despite" or "in spite of"

[serge gurkski]

I think that's a much better line to end on. More wistful. It's tighter -- though "despite of" is a bit odd, I'd say either just "despite" or "in spite of"

I prefer and go for just "despite" but must break the lines differently then.
Ok. it looks good to me now. I will look into it tmw again. Thank you once more!

cheers

serge

[Leanne]

nice

Did I mention how much I like "gunpowderlesserly"?

[serge gurkski]

nice

Did I mention how much I like "gunpowderlesserly"?

I was thinking about that too, but decided to keep it. (a gut feeling).

[Leanne]

It's very Saxon -- almost like kenning

[serge gurkski]

I use these "heavy" (polysyllabic) words because my little lament tries to imitate or mirror G.'s guitar sound. For a similar reason I use kempt (rory being unkempt). I feel honored you almost (lol) saxonize me. Blush. :-)