Horrendous Attempt at Blank Verse

[ambustharp]

I mentioned in my first thread that I made an attempt at blank verse last year and utterly failed. This is that attempt:

Unknown to me, awaiting patiently
In blinder's peripheral there did sit
A midsummer's dream, just here by my side.
Amber starring into endless sapphire:
Water that is flowing over the rocks,
Trickling along, not toward oceans' tides,
Billowing waves consume the sands of time.
Sparks are nothing, vapors are meaningless,
Yet sparks ignite and set asunder all,
Vapors condense, tempests rage ever on
Or gently lull life from earth's deepest depths:

Even furthest trees can grow intertwined.


I feel that my grasp of meter is... not a grasp at all. Help?

[billy]

I mentioned in my first thread that I made an attempt at blank verse last year and utterly failed. This is that attempt:

Unknown to me, awaiting patiently i think patiently awaiting might work
In blinder's peripheral there did sit feels forced
A midsummer's dream, just here by my side.
Amber starring into endless sapphire:
Water that is flowing over the rocks,
Trickling along, not toward oceans' tides,
Billowing waves consume the sands of time. cliche
Sparks are nothing, vapors are meaningless,
Yet sparks ignite and set asunder all,
Vapors condense, tempests rage ever on
Or gently lull life from earth's deepest depths: cliche

Even furthest trees can grow intertwined.


I feel that my grasp of meter is... not a grasp at all. Help?

to attempt is never to fail so it isn't a failed attempt, it's just an attempt.
heres a great thread about meter
one more line would have been needed for sonnet.
i'm going to do a general crit here because i see something in a lot of the lines connected with meter. a lot of the problems you have come from word reversal or trying to hard to make the meter fit the line.
imagine a steady drum beat;
da dum/da dum/da dum/da dum/da dum. that's what you're aiming for, that similar rhythmical sound, feel, or pulse. (to start with) there are other variations which can be use but the da dum is the easiest and best to learn at first.

well known phrases like 'sands of time and deepest depth are cliche and should be steered clear of when ever possible.

a few more attempts and you'll get the hang of it.

thanks for the read.

[Leanne]

It's not the worst I've ever read :p. Let's take a look

Unknown to me, awaiting patiently -- this line is good iambic pentameter, so let's try and stick with that meter for the rest of the piece
In blinder's peripheral there did sit -- this line isn't . I've tried to think of good alternatives but I'm stuck for the moment, except to say that we're probably going to have to use "blind spot" instead
A midsummer's dream, just here by my side. cut "a" from the start of the line first up... now, "just here by my side" is very mundane. Remember you don't need to worry about rhyme, just meter. da DUM/ da DUM / da DUM/ da DUM/ da DUM. It's a heartbeat
Amber starring into endless sapphire: -- how about "sweet amber starred through rivulets of blue"
Water that is flowing over the rocks, -- words like "that is" are fillers, get rid of them whenever possible. That way, you leave room for adjectives -- maybe "the water teasing past caressing rocks" -- ok, that might be a bit OTT
Trickling along, not toward oceans' tides, -- "it trickles through, away from ocean's tides"
Billowing waves consume the sands of time. -- this line's a little off-meter but not enough to worry about, it's only a slightly different stress on "billowing" and it's no problem
Sparks are nothing, vapors are meaningless,--"all sparks are nothing, vapors meaningless"
Yet sparks ignite and set asunder all, -- meter's good in this line but I'm not convinced "asunder" is the right word
Vapors condense, tempests rage ever on -- one too many vapors -- it doesn't work with the meter, so what about "the fogs condense; tempests rage ever on"? That's actually NOT perfectly iambic but by putting the semi-colon in as a caesura (break), it kind of resets the meter so the stresses aren't thrown out
Or gently lull life from earth's deepest depths: -- "deepest depths" makes me cringe! I'm not sure what to suggest just yet though

Even furthest trees can grow intertwined. -- I like the sentiment of this line a lot but the meter's off and I can't think of a solution at the moment, sorry[/b]


I feel that my grasp of meter is... not a grasp at all. Help?

[billy]

just keep trying, do a few edits and in no time you'll get a feel for meter, if you're like me you'll still make mistakes but not as many and nothing that can't be put right pretty easily