Not amused

[tectak]

Not amused (See version 2 at end of tread)

Beg as you sleep, she has no heart; yet deafness feigned
is so profound, that you may better pen your plea.
You start with one small word and wait; but you are dry
and void whilst she, the liquid lexicon, walks by.

Bye and bye, a drop will fall; the paper virgin, white but stained,
lies temptingly beside your soul. You dare but turn, to better see
what offering she makes; a dream! You turn and turn and turn awake,
cursing what has slipped away. Damn it, it was yours to take.

Where has she gone? The buffering pen holds still, restrained
by disconnected thoughts. How long before you meet and she
condescends to grant a sip. The wine of words will serve to slake
the thirst which comes in restless night and chokes until day break.

Tectak
2012

[Erthona]

A rhyme pattern of abcc, abdd, abee. Iambic* hexameter in Stanza 1. Stanzas 2 and 3 bounces between 7 and 8 foot lines. This is not too disruptive until stanza 3, at which point the inconsistent line becomes obviously disruptive. Consistent enjambment from the 1st to the 2nd lines in each stanza. Nice alliteration with "liquid lexicon". One very odd spot in S2L3 "You turn and turn and turn awake" seems a bit excessive. S3L1 has an extra syllable and is rhythmically awkward. The last line ends awkwardly "and chokes until day break", significantly weakening the poem.

As ungainly as the third stanza is, it would be better to leave it off entirely, and end with S2L4 which is a fairly nice ending, especially as the third stanza does not add anything new, and basically only restates what has been said already. This would have been a much stronger poem had the pattern established in stanza 1 been kept throughout. I think the difficulty of maintaining the rhyme pattern caused a loss of focus and allowed inconsistencies to creep into the poem.

There are some very nice parts to the poem, and with attention to consistency in form, this could be turned into a strong piece.


Dale

*with some trochee slipping in and out.

[tectak]

A rhyme pattern of abcc, abdd, abee. Iambic* hexameter in Stanza 1. Stanzas 2 and 3 bounces between 7 and 8 foot lines. This is not too disruptive until stanza 3, at which point the inconsistent line becomes obviously disruptive. Consistent enjambment from the 1st to the 2nd lines in each stanza. Nice alliteration with "liquid lexicon". One very odd spot in S2L3 "You turn and turn and turn awake" seems a bit excessive. S3L1 has an extra syllable and is rhythmically awkward. The last line ends awkwardly "and chokes until day break", significantly weakening the poem.

As ungainly as the third stanza is, it would be better to leave it off entirely, and end with S2L4 which is a fairly nice ending, especially as the third stanza does not add anything new, and basically only restates what has been said already. This would have been a much stronger poem had the pattern established in stanza 1 been kept throughout. I think the difficulty of maintaining the rhyme pattern caused a loss of focus and allowed inconsistencies to creep into the poem.

There are some very nice parts to the poem, and with attention to consistency in form, this could be turned into a strong piece.


Dale

*with some trochee slipping in and out.

---

[quote='Erthona' pid='90911' dateline='1329839982']
A rhyme pattern of abcc, abdd, abee. Iambic* hexameter in Stanza 1. Stanzas 2 and 3 bounces between 7 and 8 foot lines. This is not too disruptive until stanza 3, at which point the inconsistent line becomes obviously disruptive. Consistent enjambment from the 1st to the 2nd lines in each stanza. Nice alliteration with "liquid lexicon". One very odd spot in S2L3 "You turn and turn and turn awake" seems a bit excessive. S3L1 has an extra syllable and is rhythmically awkward. The last line ends awkwardly "and chokes until day break", significantly weakening the poem.

As ungainly as the third stanza is, it would be better to leave it off entirely, and end with S2L4 which is a fairly nice ending, especially as the third stanza does not add anything new, and basically only restates what has been said already. This would have been a much stronger poem had the pattern established in stanza 1 been kept throughout. I think the difficulty of maintaining the rhyme pattern caused a loss of focus and allowed inconsistencies to creep into the poem.

There are some very nice parts to the poem, and with attention to consistency in form, this could be turned into a strong piece.


Dale

*with some trochee slipping in and out.

[/
Hi erthona,
Back on form I see. This written on the hoof and laziness o'ertook me. I apologise. I am happy to do a rewrite on this but would like to save the last stanza as I was grateful to her for the "buffering pen".
That may not be a good enough reason to salvage the whole stanza.
The rhyme scheme I have used before but it led me up Gerund Crescent and I hoped never to go there again. I will refine.
Enjambment is a comfort to me and I admit to unintentional overuse. This comes from an influential english tutor at school who NEVER permitted more than one
punctuation mark at a line end per stanza. Bastard. I must get a life.
If this piece reappears please give it a grubbing. I will do the same for you one day.

Best,
Tectak

[Erthona]

Actually "The wine of words will serve to slake
the thirst which comes in restless night" is also worth saving, maybe

to

Wine of Words, slakes the thirst which comes in restless night.

Makes a nice line of 6.

grubaway

Dale

[tectak]

Actually "The wine of words will serve to slake
the thirst which comes in restless night" is also worth saving, maybe

to

Wine of Words, slakes the thirst which comes in restless night.

Makes a nice line of 6.

grubaway

Dale

Roger, erthona,tectak.

---

Actually "The wine of words will serve to slake
the thirst which comes in restless night" is also worth saving, maybe

to

Wine of Words, slakes the thirst which comes in restless night.

Makes a nice line of 6.

grubaway

Dale

Roger, erthona,tectak.

Not amused (v2)

Beg as you sleep, she has no heart; yet deafness feigned
is so profound, that you may better pen your plea.
You start with one small word and wait; but you are dry
and void whilst she, the liquid lexicon, walks by.

Where has she gone? The buffered pen holds still, restrained
by disconnected thoughts. How long you wait 'till she
decides to grant a sip. The wine of words will slake
the thirst which comes in restless nights, 'til each day break.

A drop will fall; the paper virgin, white but stained,
lies temptingly beside you and you turn to see
what offering she makes; a dream! You drift awake,
cursing what slipped away, and what was yours to take.


Tectak
2012

[Erthona]

Much better, much cleaner. Very good edit.

"daybreak" or "day breaks"


Dale

[tectak]

Much better, much cleaner. Very good edit.

"daybreak" or "day breaks"


Dale

Do not know. "daybreak", "day break" , "day's break", "day breaks"?

[Philatone]

hello tec
seems like a commentary on writing, one which I've been too familiar with (as I'm sure is true for most..)
what I thought as I read

Not amused (v2)

Beg as you sleep, she has no heart; yet deafness feigned
is so profound, that you may better pen your plea...personally, I wanted a stronger word than "may". not sure if the comma is entirely needed
You start with one small word and wait; but you are dry
and void whilst she, the liquid lexicon, walks by....I thought "dry" from the last line was accurate enough and "void" could be a little extra for what you're going for; again, a personal preference. at times, I debated if too much is given away already with "lexicon"

Where has she gone? The buffered pen holds still, restrained ...really like the "buffered". I felt as though I was watching a hunt for a moment, as though something just flashed by your eye and you want to see what it was
by disconnected thoughts. How long you wait 'till she ...not sure how I feel about "disconnected thoughts;" again, personal preference
decides to grant a sip. The wine of words will slake ...great flow with "wine of words"
the thirst which comes in restless nights, 'til each day break. ...like the line, think it could be enhanced with a stronger word than "comes"

A drop will fall; the paper virgin, white but stained,
lies temptingly beside you and you turn to see
what offering she makes; a dream! You drift awake, ...so used to drifting asleep that "drift awake" was refreshing
cursing what slipped away, and what was yours to take. ...certainly can relate; makes for a solid close

just some suggestions; maybe one or two will strike your fancy!

[tectak]

hello tec
seems like a commentary on writing, one which I've been too familiar with (as I'm sure is true for most..)
what I thought as I read

Not amused (v2)

Beg as you sleep, she has no heart; yet deafness feigned
is so profound, that you may better pen your plea...personally, I wanted a stronger word than "may". not sure if the comma is entirely needed
You start with one small word and wait; but you are dry
and void whilst she, the liquid lexicon, walks by....I thought "dry" from the last line was accurate enough and "void" could be a little extra for what you're going for; again, a personal preference. at times, I debated if too much is given away already with "lexicon"

Where has she gone? The buffered pen holds still, restrained ...really like the "buffered". I felt as though I was watching a hunt for a moment, as though 10something just flashed by your eye and you want to see what it was4
by disconnected thoughts. How long you wait 'till she ...not sure how I feel about "disconnected thoughts;" again, personal preference
decides to grant a sip. The wine of words will slake ...great flow with "wine of words"0@@
the thirst which comes in restless nights, 'til each day break. ...like the line, think it could be enhanced with a stronger word than "comes"

A drop will fall; the paper virgin, white but stained,
lies temptingly beside you and you turn to see
what offering she makes; a dream! You drift awake, ...so used to drifting asleep that "drift awake" was refreshing
cursing what slipped away, and what was yours to take. ...certainly can relate; makes for a solid close

just some suggestions; maybe one or two will strike your fancy!

Some do, some don't. The gentle "may" is because it is a suggestion to "you". If the line read "that I should better pen my plea" then yes, agreed. Come to think of it, which I didn't, perhaps the line is better as latter
I wanted "dry" to lead into the thirst metaphor and "void"to indicate the emptiness felt.
"buffered" as in waiting for information to download, "disconnected" as a reason why it doesn't. How fast is your broadband?
I realise it is a well worked theme but when it comes to cherché la femme we are not amused.
Best and thanks,
Tectak

[abu nuwas]

I see that elsewhere you have almost been begging to be thrashed on the Serious Board; your punishment from me, will be, that I won't. I think it a nice poem. In your last reply, you meant 'cherchez la femme'. Is that any good?

Did you ever trouble to ask you teacher why he thought that there should be such sparse punctuation? Did he have a Bumper Poetry Guide for Boys?

[tectak]

I see that elsewhere you have almost been begging to be thrashed on the Serious Board; your punishment from me, will be, that I won't. I think it a nice poem. In your last reply, you meant 'cherchez la femme'. Is that any good?

Did you ever trouble to ask you teacher why he thought that there should be such sparse punctuation? Did he have a Bumper Poetry Guide for Boys?

Merdre.
Now that is a howler worthy of a good thrashing. I am at your mercie....er...mercy. At the very least I shall turn off my predictive phonetic dumbed down texting facility.
Got me Abu!
Thanks for kind unkind words.
Best,
Tectak

[abu nuwas]

I see that elsewhere you have almost been begging to be thrashed on the Serious Board; your punishment from me, will be, that I won't. I think it a nice poem. In your last reply, you meant 'cherchez la femme'. Is that any good?

Did you ever trouble to ask you teacher why he thought that there should be such sparse punctuation? Did he have a Bumper Poetry Guide for Boys?

Merdre.
Now that is a howler worthy of a good thrashing. I am at your mercie....er...mercy. At the very least I shall turn of my predictive phonetic dumbed down texting facility.
Got me Abu!
Thanks for kind unkind words.
Best,
Tectak

I shall not ask you to examine the spellings in that comment--that would be petty. But that teacher?

[tectak]

I see that elsewhere you have almost been begging to be thrashed on the Serious Board; your punishment from me, will be, that I won't. I think it a nice poem. In your last reply, you meant 'cherchez la femme'. Is that any good?

Did you ever trouble to ask you teacher why he thought that there should be such sparse punctuation? Did he have a Bumper Poetry Guide for Boys?

Merdre.
Now that is a howler worthy of a good thrashing. I am at your mercie....er...mercy. At the very least I shall turn of my predictive phonetic dumbed down texting facility.
Got me Abu!
Thanks for kind unkind words.
Best,
Tectak

I shall not ask you to examine the spellings in that comment--that would be petty. But that teacher?

He was an excellent tutor and much respected. We are talking 5th year Grammar school. He ran an extra curriculum debating society and a poetry appreciation group. The tendency was to write our feeble efforts with ever decreasing line lengths as anything which by good fortune rhymed became relegated to a line end; the greatest sin of all was forcing. Rather than crush our loquatious tendencies, which were required for the debating society, he introduced Farrington's Second Law which simply put limited the use of the line end full stop to one per stanza. His first law was even more restrictive....no words at line end ending with the abhorrently frog "ation".
Oh. He was also the scout master and gave the favoured toasted stilton cheese.
I am alright now.
Best,
Tectak