Dark Obsession

[Philatone]

hey mark! I haven't read the other revisions/ editions/ originals that being said, i'm going to look at the latest version you have going

Revision 3

Daughter of lust claim me.
I expire in you
and breathe in your cloud
of jet black pain ...I think the opening is good. the "pain" felt to me as though it was both yours and this other's...

Pressing me down into a hole,
shovel in hand--
I dig you
down. ..Personally, I got a little caught up in who does the "pressing"; you? the other force?

Not drowning, worshiping the water I inhale . . ....wasn't sure what the ellipsis adds
I inhale you
and exhale all of me, ..like these two lines
but still you leave me
weaker than before.

in finishing, I wanted to go from this with one strong, strong image that I could really walk away with. I didn't get that. I think it's good to end something like this on a whimper (the last two lines make an effective close for the topic), but perhaps it could start with a bigger hammer or have a bit more substance/length. with the quick lines and only 3 stanzas, it gets easier to cruise through this

[Erthona]

"You mentioned obsessions being referred to as women commonly. Does this weaken my poem and make it cliche?"

No, since you are personifying "Obsession" and not addiction, I think it works well. Here you are talking about a specific aspect of addiction, obsession, and obsession can also refer to something outside of addition. Personally, I would like to see you flesh out "her" personality a little more as I think this could develop into something larger, but that may be something far a later time.

Dale

[Wildcard]

Philatone,
Thanks for your feedback (I get tired of typing that, but I swear I mean it every time )

I think what I got from your crit is that I haven't done enough to really get the feeling behind this one. I think you gave me some good ideas(like I may cut the first line of the last stanza and then add a couple of stanzas in between.) It might take me awhile, but this was my first poem that I posted and I want to accomplish what I set out to do if it takes me forever. Thanks again friend.

Dale,
Okay, good to know. I will try to detail the 'her's personality more and make my grammar more clear. Maybe I should just try to write it all in iambs as well? We'll see . . .