canyon

[Philatone]

V. 4 adjusted punctuation throughout (thanks to aish and leanne)

Canyon

sunken ark
of earth and bones of water,

what thought sprouted, blossomed
and withered in the head
of the first man to see cliffs
scraping trees on your sides?

Ideas of a bridge
must have died when he took
his first look down,

saw the chasm of your spine
devour everything but his footsteps,

heard the echo of sunlight
claw at prison walls.

Or maybe
he noticed none of this,
shrugged his shoulders
and looked for the safest place
to jump.

If only there
were a letter
written to his wife
--I can go no further from home
or initials
carved into a willing trunk;

but then would I
be able to imagine him,
legs draping the edge,
eyes lost gazing somewhere
towards the end of the earth

--until then,
something he did not expect to be found
for another thousand years.





V. 3 edited S. 3, moving "down" up a line (thanks to leanne). btw, "canyon" is just the title, not a line of poem.

Canyon

sunken ark
of earth and bones of water,

what thought sprouted, blossomed
and withered in the head
of the first man to see cliffs
scraping trees on your sides?

Ideas of a bridge
must have died when he took
his first look down,

saw the chasm of your spine
devour everything but his footsteps,

heard the echo of sunlight
claw at prison walls.

Or, maybe,
he noticed none of this,
shrugged his shoulders
and looked for the safest place
to jump.

If only there
were a letter
written to his wife
--I can go no further from home
or initials
carved into a willing trunk,

but then would I
be able to imagine him,
legs draping the edge,
eyes lost gazing somewhere
towards the end of the earth

--until then,
something he did not expect to be found
for another thousand years






V. 1


Canyon

sunken ark
of earth and bones of water,

what thought sprouted, blossomed
and withered in the head
of the first man to see cliffs
scraping trees on your side?

The idea of a bridge
must have died when he took
his first look
down,

saw the chasm of your spine
devour everything but his footsteps,

heard the echo of sunlight
claw at cellar walls.

Or, maybe,
he noticed none of this,
shrugged his shoulders
and looked for the safest place
to jump.

If only there
were a letter
written to his wife
--I can go no further from home
or initials
carved into a willing trunk,

but then would I
be able to imagine him,
legs draping the edge
like an empty pocket,
eyes lost somewhere
in the end of the earth

--until then,
something he did not expect to be found
for another thousand years


V. 2 (thanks to granny!)
changes: S. 2 "side" to "sides"
S. 3 "Idea" to "Ideas"
S. 5 "cellar" to "prison"
penultimate S. lost the simile; added word "gazing"; switched preposition "in" to "towards"


Canyon

sunken ark
of earth and bones of water,

what thought sprouted, blossomed
and withered in the head
of the first man to see cliffs
scraping trees on your sides?

Ideas of a bridge
must have died when he took
his first look
down,

saw the chasm of your spine
devour everything but his footsteps,

heard the echo of sunlight
claw at prison walls.

Or, maybe,
he noticed none of this,
shrugged his shoulders
and looked for the safest place
to jump.

If only there
were a letter
written to his wife
--I can go no further from home
or initials
carved into a willing trunk,

but then would I
be able to imagine him,
legs draping the edge,
eyes lost gazing somewhere
towards the end of the earth

--until then,
something he did not expect to be found
for another thousand years

[grannyjill]

Canyon

sunken ark
of earth and bones of water, I love this opening

what thought sprouted, blossomed
and withered in the head
of the first man to see cliffs
scraping trees on your side? sides

The idea of a bridge ideas of a bridge, no 'the'
must have died when he took
his first look
down,

saw the chasm of your spine another gem
devour everything but his footsteps, devouring reads better for me
heard the echo of sunlight 'lovely'
claw at cellar walls. cellar walls brings an image of a dark, damp place.But a canyon isn't like that. stellar walls (walls reaching up to the stars? perhaps not)

Or, maybe,
he noticed none of this,
shrugged his shoulders
and looked for the safest place
to jump. took me by surprise - I liked that
If only there
were a letter
written to his wife
--I can go no further from home
or initials
carved into a willing trunk, yep!

but then would I
be able to imagine him,
legs draping the edge
like an empty pocket, I can't connect this to the line above
eyes lost somewhere
in the end of the earth ? these last two lines too are little off..it sounds as if his eyes are lost somewhere....[b]or is that what you ARE saying?[/b

until then,
something he did not expect to be found [b]this doesn't work for me 'something' seems out of place.
for another thousand years

This is the first time I've done a critique like this...I have been learning from you! I loved this poem.....(with one reservation ...see at the end)
It had beautiful, unique phrases coupled with a strong story element, and contained much to make me think....."I can go no further from home" so much more evocative than 'I am far from home' - I'm thinking why is he trying to get as far away from home as possible, what has stopped him from doing so,- stuff like that.
I've taken away a very strong visual image of this poor man sitting in a magnificent place paused between life and death....the last verse allows me that....I'm assuming that he jumps but that isn't clear - intentional?
.....(reservation...the idea of the first man to see the canyon doesn't fit with the 'letter' bit...I wish I could talk with you about this poem it is difficult to convey what I want to say here, without writing an essay!)

[Philatone]

hey granny! how fortunate I am to have been your first 'experiment' of sorts! really useful feedback. I agreed with a number of your suggestions, most notably changing "cellar" to "prison" (stellar walls felt more abstract than I was going for). also removed that simile from the second to last adjusted. I adjusted the "eyes" bit so I hope it doesn't sound like they are literally lost anymore, and hopefully clearing up those issues from the first reading (though perhaps opening up another can?). with regards to "devour--devouring", I stuck with the former because I didn't want the -ing's to become a distraction, at least not yet. thanks again!

[grannyjill]

Not wishing to sound too Uriah Heepish - I am grateful that you have taken my suggestions seriously. I found your technique of paying close attention to each line extremely useful. I don't think I have ever done that before. Previously I would do a sweeping over-view....but, that way I missed a lot.

I look forward to getting out my magnifying glass again in the future.

[Leanne]

Canyon -- is this here as the first line of the poem, or the title? If it's the first line I'd lose it, but it's probably not

sunken ark
of earth and bones of water, -- "bones of water" is so incongruous, it's wonderful

what thought sprouted, blossomed -- nice use of the comma and enjambment
and withered in the head
of the first man to see cliffs
scraping trees on your sides? -- again, the inverted idea of "cliffs scraping trees" gives the image an entirely unique perspective

Ideas of a bridge
must have died when he took
his first look
down, -- In this strophe I'm not sure the enjambment works... it seems very staccato and the rhyme stands out a little too much for my taste. Were it mine to break, I'd be tempted to go with:

Ideas of a bridge must have
died when he took
his first look down


saw the chasm of your spine
devour everything but his footsteps, -- very dramatic! And I do like the break on a comma

heard the echo of sunlight
claw at prison walls.

Or, maybe, -- are the commas adding anything here?
he noticed none of this,
shrugged his shoulders
and looked for the safest place
to jump. -- this is a nice wry strophe

If only there
were a letter
written to his wife
--I can go no further from home
or initials
carved into a willing trunk,

but then would I
be able to imagine him,
legs draping the edge,
eyes lost gazing somewhere
towards the end of the earth

--until then,
something he did not expect to be found
for another thousand years -- this close gives the impression of the observer interrupting the eternal (or near-eternal) in almost voyeuristic fashion, I like it a lot!

This leaves me with a lot to ponder. I especially like those odd upside-down images you've peppered this with, and the poet's infernal curiosity about things that are none of his business The things we wonder about late at night, when sane people are dreaming about winning the lottery!

[Aish]

Canyon

sunken ark
of earth and bones of water, Truly inspired imagery here. Magnetically unusual, yet the organic appeal is undeniable.

what thought sprouted, blossomed
and withered in the head
of the first man to see cliffs
scraping trees on your sides? Indeed. You draw this thought in my own mind.

Ideas of a bridge
must have died when he took
his first look
down,

saw the chasm of your spine
devour everything but his footsteps, I find this strophe magnificent.

heard the echo of sunlight echo of sunlight is a wonderful juxtoposition.
claw at prison walls.

Or, maybe, I do not care for the stumbling pause of two commas here.
he noticed none of this,
shrugged his shoulders
and looked for the safest place
to jump.

If only there
were a letter
written to his wife
--I can go no further from home This statement should be parenthetical.
or initials
carved into a willing trunk, I think you need a semi-colon here.

but then would I
be able to imagine him,
legs draping the edge,
eyes lost gazing somewhere
towards the end of the earth You need a question mark here.

--until then,
something he did not expect to be found
for another thousand years You need a period. I am not sure I care for the ending strophe. The poem basically ended for me in the strophe above.


I really enjoyed this immensely, Philatone. I often survey my surroundings and wonder about impossible things.

[grannyjill]

Hey, just a briefy...in my present feverish state my eyes aren't functioning as they should....I just read 'heard the echo of sunlight' as 'heard the ache of sunlight'....and do you know? I really liked it....maybe I will use it somewhere - who knows.


ps - the revised poem works a treat.

[Philatone]

Aish--thanks for the critical yet supportive feedback. agreed with a number of the points you raised. I'm hesitant to add a question mark for fear of disrupting the transition to the last stanza (which I intend to leave for the moment but am certainly considering your suggestion)/

granny- glad you like the revision! also, am glad to have inspired something, however unintentionally; may it take you somewhere wonderful and if it doesn't...you can blame me

[billy]

just got to this. most things have been said already.

the edit works well and the grammar is improved. i did like some of the images in the poem. i enjoyd the 2nd line more than the others, it has an unearthly feel about it.
the leg's draping penultimate stanza was excellent.

at first i thought of noah then i remember the title (titles do have a use don't they) and the letter to the wife became clear.

sorry i haven't given any constructive stuff for you to chew over

[Wildcard]

Hi Geoff,
I intended to do a line-by-line, but it would have consisted of --good one, --nice one, --beautiful so I am just going to say that. Good one, nice one, beautiful.

I have to echo the sentiments on what I consider to be 'inverted' logic ('scraping trees', 'could go no further from home', etc.) Wonderful stuff that keeps it fresh. I did read the older revisions, but it's like hearing a song for the first time and then listening to an older version: I can only see the last revision because it's best imo.

Thanks for sharing.