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"Lively faced and meek
her cheeks stained Russian
pink. My baby girl stranger
from afar."
First Enclosure
Her eyes the still cold color
of freshly tilled earth, a leaky
pair of faucets, as they were.
Willing Patrons
Lips bitten deeply with a wonderous
confusion like no other, her head lay
in pieces on the already scattered floor.
Tipping the Waiter in the Sky
Trodden rows of teeth hooked and
lined romantically within her jaw,
she closes her favorite book again,
one last time.
"The soft willow bark sheds and falls,
soft blue doves float on the edges of
never, and so they shall be."
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This is a beautifully complex character piece which conveys the life of the subject in episodic fashion with surreal images yet a concise narrative style. The enjambment seems slightly random though and I'd like to see the beginning and end quotes have titles of their own. Perhaps "Prologue" and "Epilogue"?
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(05-14-2011, 10:00 AM)jadielue Wrote: "Lively faced and meek
her cheeks stained Russian
pink. My baby girl stranger
from afar."
First Enclosure
Her eyes the still cold color
of freshly tilled earth, a leaky
pair of faucets, as they were.
Willing Patrons
Lips bitten deeply with a wonderous
confusion like no other, her head lay
in pieces on the already scattered floor.
Tipping the Waiter in the Sky
Trodden rows of teeth hooked and
lined romantically within her jaw,
she closes her favorite book again,
one last time.
"The soft willow bark sheds and falls,
soft blue doves float on the edges of
never, and so they shall be."
i'm not sure if i read this as a single piece or as 5 individual pieces?
i'll take it as the former.
if i do then the carousel transitions from one verse to the next with ease.
i'm not sure the quotation marks are needed.
the piece is rife with great images, vignettes that leave the reader chilled. to many to mention any in particular.
the 'and so they shall be' feel superfluous to the poem for me.
other than the nits i mentioned i enjoyed it (jmo)
thanks for the read
Posts: 73
Threads: 30
Joined: May 2011
Jack, thank you! I agree, even to me this is beautiful, sometimes I feel like I don't even write this stuff.
The quotations are quotes, I suppose they're not needed but they make me secure.
Thank you, again.
Oh, and also, it is all apart of the same poem but imagine it really like a book with the separate but together pieces are the chapters.
