A Gardeners Fall

[Bunx]

A Gardeners Fall

I spend the day
kneeling on grass.
Bruised knuckles bent back
skin tanned by dirt.

Something feels nice about it.
Going hours with a single thought,
spotting weeds that don't belong
around flowers I've come to know.

Cuts on my hand blend old scars
from a past-life, camouflaged
in history I wish I could celebrate.
Trauma feels like a stone to shovel.

Picking rocks with my hands
then digging away the soil.
Sweat on sunned skin
cements change from then.

Then I think
it's not me I lament.

Sometimes it's takes cuts from a rose.
Planting flowers after digging up stones.
Trees knocking off your favorite hat.
Laughing in yards working with old friends.

Be open to letting shit degrade in soil,
hoping for the best this fall.

[matsunosuperfan]

A Gardeners Fall

I spend the day
kneeling on grass.
Bruised knuckles make her wonder
why I'm covered in dirt.

Something feels nice about it.
Going hours with a single thought,
spotting weeds that don't belong
around flowers raised by thorns.

Cuts on my hand hide old scars
from memories camouflaged
in a past I wish I could celebrate.
Trauma feels like a stone to shovel.

Picking rocks with my hands
then digging away the soil.
Sweat on sunned skin
with knees on cement. 

Then I think
it's not me I lament.

Sometimes it's takes pruning a rose.
Planting new flowers after digging up stones.
Trees knocking off your favorite hat.
Laughing with an old friend.

Be open to letting pain degrade in soil,
hoping for the best next season.

Hi Bunx! Don't know that I've read from you before. Nice to see you around here. 

I like this poem best when the narrator is being plainspoken, which seems to suit them: "Something feels nice about it" is easily the most compelling line for me. Such a blunt declarative, with no affectation whatsoever. There's humility and real vulnerability there, which contrasts nicely with the rough, tactile imagery of S1. 

The first moment I really question is "around flowers raised by thorns." The syntax gets a little complex in a way that is potentially confusing (does "around" modify "spotting" or "don't belong"?), and "flowers raised by thorns" strikes me as kinda cheezy (sorry). 

This dangerously cheeze-adjacent tone continues into S3, which I would just cut. "Trauma feels like a stone to shovel" is an interesting metaphor, but personally, I am gonna take a lot of convincing to accept "trauma" being used in earnest in a poem. It's such a loaded word, and I think we're often best served by avoiding words that do too much speaking for themselves (unless the goal is to confront and subvert those inherited semantic expectations). 

I like "picking... digging away the soil." Good sound there, IMO, and it's just a very clean, specific image with a lot of potential resonance - it invites implicature. "Sweat on sunned skin with knees on cement" is annoying poemy language, and it seems like mostly a restatement of scenic information I've already been given (see: S1). 

The cement/lament rhyme also strikes me as too cute/more distracting than productive. 

The run from "rose..." to "laughing with an old friend" is interesting. I feel like I would like it to have more weight somehow. "Sometimes it takes" what takes these things? Maybe the speaker could be a bit less coy about their interior world here. 

Final couplet needs to go; don't summarize your intentions. 

Thanks for letting me read <3

[Bunx]

Hey MSF,
All good feedback with solid suggestions to think through. I've had writers block for awhile now, it's weird like trying to find your voice again. I have tried to write a poem similar to this like three times before deleting and I think this one is at least workable, and I've been wanting to try and contribute more.

I used to write a lot about my mental health experiences, in hopes it might help someone. Often I feel guilty of trying to wrap to specific of ideas in a small space it's hard to get the point across. I'll definitely give this one another pass

[wasellajam]

Hi, Bunx!!!xo This is a good read, some notes:

A Gardeners Fall

I spend the day
kneeling on grass.
Bruised knuckles make her wonder
why I'm covered in dirt.
While I like the sonics of kneeling/knuckles it brings some confusion, the move from knees to hands and why the bruised knuckles would make her wonder, seems to me the bruised knuckles would help her understand why the N is covered in dirt. Maybe some tweak here.

Something feels nice about it.
Going hours with a single thought,
spotting weeds that don't belong
around flowers raised by thorns.
Love this zeroing in on the real joy of gardening, makes me miss it.

Cuts on my hand hide old scars
from memories camouflaged
in a past I wish I could celebrate.
Trauma feels like a stone to shovel.
"Memories" could be replaced with something more specific. As is I think a comma after memories would help, the cuts are camouflaged? I like the trauma line.

Picking rocks with my hands
then digging away the soil.
Sweat on sunned skin
with knees on cement. 
Cement changed my image of the N working in a garden, maybe if it was moved up I would have better understood the kneeling but the knuckles being bruised.

Then I think
it's not me I lament.
Interesting lines, lamenting oneself.

Sometimes it's takes pruning a rose.
Planting new flowers after digging up stones.
Trees knocking off your favorite hat. My favorite line, says so much.
Laughing with an old friend.

Be open to letting pain degrade in soil,
hoping for the best next season.
Possibly:
Pain (or past lives or something ) degrades in soil
then something evoking spring, or the hopeful result of work done.

Thanks for posting, Bunx, worth working on. Thanks for the read!

[matsunosuperfan]

Seconding the "trees knocking off favorite hat" bit. Should have highlighted that earlier. A standout line. So often I think when we find a less common use for a good hard Anglican/Germanic verb, it really helps to carry what might otherwise come off precious. Great tone there. Aim for that.

[Bunx]

Went for another pass at the poem taking suggestions from both of you.

Ella- hopefully the changes make a more vivid picture of the garden hustle. In the original I was trying to get the illusion of a worker going from spot to spot, but that is hard to get across.
Also hope all is well in your world!

MSF- hopefully you find more to like with this edit. I feel like I do want to write a similar poem that is more abstract and doesn't spell out the themes. That could wait for another time though. Thanks for the feedback