You ask me why. I tell you that

[matsunosuperfan]

You ask me why. I tell you that

today I saw a man around
my own age, from Afghanistan, fleeing through
the orphan desert to Iran. He found himself
caught short on water, felt the rain

of too much light against his head and knew
with any luck, he should be dead
by sundown. “Forgive me, mother—”
patchwork scarf ballooned a tent

around his head to block the glare, he gave his last
words to the sand’s miasma:
“and if he can, let my brother pay
my debts, or if he cannot, humbly I ask

my friends—forgive them, for God’s sake.” I will never
scrape across the desert for a second chance,
will never know what makes a man
spend his last breaths begging,

except to notice every time
I cross the street, that something in me
wants to stop midstream and wait
for rain to find me falling.

[RiverNotch]

(1) The speaker saw a man cross the desert in that fashion. Was the speaker a border guard, callously or helplessly watching someone be so slain by the wilderness? Had they been watching some video? Or were they just making the whole thing up? Then, with all this in mind, there is something rather off about that final sentiment: the speaker just saw a man die, or perhaps they just imagined a man die, and all they could derive from it is that sometimes they want to die like that too. There's also the matter of the setting, being Afghanistan and Iran---the death should be very politically charged---and yet, again, it all just revolves around some general notion relating solely to the individual, solely to the speaker. The speaker's ideas or imagination seem woefully limited for an image that should be more memorable.

(2) "patchwork scarf ballooned a tent around his head to block the glare" is a complete phrase, it can't just be subordinate to the sentence that goes "he gave his last words to the sun's miasma". it would make more sense to be "ballooning", even "ballooning too".

(3) The man from Afghanistan speaks to his mother about his brother as if he weren't also her son. Likewise, "forgive them, for God's sake" is ambiguous, only I don't discern any meaning behind the ambiguity: is he asking his mother to forgive his debts? to forgive his friends? is he asking his friends to forgive his debts?

Overall, it's mainly point one. For an image that should be so interesting---a man dying as he crosses the desert---what one gets is all too unsympathetic or at least unperceptive. Sure, some of the effects are nice, like the consistent employment of watery images or the decent command of line lengths, but it's all to an end either too cloudy or too dull.

[matsunosuperfan]

(1) The speaker saw a man cross the desert in that fashion. Was the speaker a border guard, callously or helplessly watching someone be so slain by the wilderness? Had they been watching some video? Or were they just making the whole thing up? Then, with all this in mind, there is something rather off about that final sentiment: the speaker just saw a man die, or perhaps they just imagined a man die, and all they could derive from it is that sometimes they want to die like that too. There's also the matter of the setting, being Afghanistan and Iran---the death should be very politically charged---and yet, again, it all just revolves around some general notion relating solely to the individual, solely to the speaker. The speaker's ideas or imagination seem woefully limited for an image that should be more memorable.

(2) "patchwork scarf ballooned a tent around his head to block the glare" is a complete phrase, it can't just be subordinate to the sentence that goes "he gave his last words to the sun's miasma". it would make more sense to be "ballooning", even "ballooning too".

(3) The man from Afghanistan speaks to his mother about his brother as if he weren't also her son. Likewise, "forgive them, for God's sake" is ambiguous, only I don't discern any meaning behind the ambiguity: is he asking his mother to forgive his debts? to forgive his friends? is he asking his friends to forgive his debts?

Overall, it's mainly point one. For an image that should be so interesting---a man dying as he crosses the desert---what one gets is all too unsympathetic or at least unperceptive. Sure, some of the effects are nice, like the consistent employment of watery images or the decent command of line lengths, but it's all to an end either too cloudy or too dull.

Hey, thanks for reading and offering such thoughtful feedback. I kept not really liking the way this came out, and I think you've done a good job identifying some of the reasons why.

[busker]

You ask me why. I tell you that

today I saw a man around
my own age, from Afghanistan, fleeing through
the orphan desert to Iran. He found himself
caught short on water, felt the rain

of too much light against his head and knew
with any luck, he should be dead
by sundown. “Forgive me, mother—”
patchwork scarf ballooned a tent

around his head to block the glare, he gave his last
words to the sand’s miasma:
“and if he can, let my brother pay
my debts, or if he cannot, humbly I ask

my friends—forgive them, for God’s sake.” I will never
scrape across the desert for a second chance,
will never know what makes a man
spend his last breaths begging,

except to notice every time
I cross the street, that something in me
wants to stop midstream and wait
for rain to find me falling.

This poem suffers from a lack of credibility
A man about to die of thirst in the desert doesn’t possess the sort of phlegmatic demeanour. Which tells me that there’s some symbolism afoot. Maybe there is, but the metaphor itself isn’t credible then.

The following lines are wonderful, though:

felt the rain
of too much light against his head

patchwork scarf ballooned a tent
around his head

---

“The sand’s miasma” is the weakest line in the poem IMO

[matsunosuperfan]

You ask me why. I tell you that

today I saw a man around
my own age, from Afghanistan, fleeing through
the orphan desert to Iran. He found himself
caught short on water, felt the rain

of too much light against his head and knew
with any luck, he should be dead
by sundown. “Forgive me, mother—”
patchwork scarf ballooned a tent

around his head to block the glare, he gave his last
words to the sand’s miasma:
“and if he can, let my brother pay
my debts, or if he cannot, humbly I ask

my friends—forgive them, for God’s sake.” I will never
scrape across the desert for a second chance,
will never know what makes a man
spend his last breaths begging,

except to notice every time
I cross the street, that something in me
wants to stop midstream and wait
for rain to find me falling.

This poem suffers from a lack of credibility
A man about to die of thirst in the desert doesn’t possess the sort of phlegmatic demeanour. Which tells me that there’s some symbolism afoot. Maybe there is, but the metaphor itself isn’t credible then.

The following lines are wonderful, though:

felt the rain
of too much light against his head

patchwork scarf ballooned a tent
around his head

---

“The sand’s miasma” is the weakest line in the poem IMO

Thank you for reading. The poem was inspired by a social media post, so the source material is actually very real. I think the young man was trying to enact a dignified end for himself hence the somewhat dramatized speechifying. But this was a mostly unsuccessful attempt to capture the energy of that moment. 

The lines you liked were also my favorite, and I cringe at the miasma :3 

Don't think I'll pick this one back up but it was a productive exercise and I appreciate the notes as always!