Consciousness Entering the Room

[tmanzano]

I think some people miss each other
by fractions, not oceans
or years–

not dramatic misunderstandings
from films

Just small alterations

A sentence said differently

Too much eye contact
or not enough

Someone laughs harder than usual
because for a moment
they forget to monitor themselves

Someone beautiful believes
they are difficult to love

Someone ordinary
mistakes ease for impossibility

I keep thinking about that girl from junior high

How easy it was
to exist around her

I had already decided
nothing would happen

So my personality moved freely
Like a dog let off a leash

I said stupid things

Interrupted myself

Told stories that wandered nowhere

I never edited my laughter
into something more acceptable

And because of that
she met me

Not the version arranging silverware
inside his mind trying to be seen

Just me

Or at least
the closest thing to it

I did not understand then
that attraction sometimes grows best
in rooms where nobody is trying to earn it

I wonder how many people
have unknowingly sat beside the love of their life

At bars

In classrooms

Near vending machines

In the ten quiet minutes before work begins

...but convenience intervened

or shame

or somebody became aware
of themselves too early

Maybe that is all heartbreak really is–

consciousness entering the room

[matsunosuperfan]

I think some people miss each other
by fractions, not oceans
or years–

not dramatic misunderstandings
from films

Just small alterations

A sentence said differently

Too much eye contact
or not enough

Someone laughs harder than usual
because for a moment
they forget to monitor themselves

Someone beautiful believes
they are difficult to love

Someone ordinary
mistakes ease for impossibility

I keep thinking about that girl from junior high

How easy it was
to exist around her

I had already decided
nothing would happen

So my personality moved freely
Like a dog let off a leash

I said stupid things

Interrupted myself

Told stories that wandered nowhere

I never edited my laughter
into something more acceptable

And because of that
she met me

Not the version arranging silverware
inside his mind trying to be seen

Just me

Or at least
the closest thing to it

I did not understand then
that attraction sometimes grows best
in rooms where nobody is trying to earn it

I wonder how many people
have unknowingly sat beside the love of their life

At bars

In classrooms

Near vending machines

In the ten quiet minutes before work begins

...but convenience intervened

or shame

or somebody became aware
of themselves too early

Maybe that is all heartbreak really is–

consciousness entering the room

This is a really effective and convincing voice. I like its combination of plain spoken vernacular and monkish meditation. Some bits do veer a bit talky, which I become more distractingly aware of when the content feels familiar in ways that aren't as strikingly figured, like the beautiful person feeling unlovable. The progression of images and ideas is well paced though... Title could be better as it spoils the ending a bit IMO

[tmanzano]

I think some people miss each other
by fractions, not oceans
or years–

not dramatic misunderstandings
from films

Just small alterations

A sentence said differently

Too much eye contact
or not enough

Someone laughs harder than usual
because for a moment
they forget to monitor themselves

Someone beautiful believes
they are difficult to love

Someone ordinary
mistakes ease for impossibility

I keep thinking about that girl from junior high

How easy it was
to exist around her

I had already decided
nothing would happen

So my personality moved freely
Like a dog let off a leash

I said stupid things

Interrupted myself

Told stories that wandered nowhere

I never edited my laughter
into something more acceptable

And because of that
she met me

Not the version arranging silverware
inside his mind trying to be seen

Just me

Or at least
the closest thing to it

I did not understand then
that attraction sometimes grows best
in rooms where nobody is trying to earn it

I wonder how many people
have unknowingly sat beside the love of their life

At bars

In classrooms

Near vending machines

In the ten quiet minutes before work begins

...but convenience intervened

or shame

or somebody became aware
of themselves too early

Maybe that is all heartbreak really is–

consciousness entering the room

This is a really effective and convincing voice. I like its combination of plain spoken vernacular and monkish meditation. Some bits do veer a bit talky, which I become more distractingly aware of when the content feels familiar in ways that aren't as strikingly figured, like the beautiful person feeling unlovable. The progression of images and ideas is well paced though... Title could be better as it spoils the ending a bit IMO

Thanks for taking the time to read and give feedback, Genuinely appreciate it.
I don't love the title either, honestly. Haven't mused up anything better yet, but I'll keep sitting with it.
And yeah, guilty as charged on the talky bits. I think I have a habit of using ten words where two would do. Which ones stood out to you as veering that way? I'd like to put this back under the knife.

[wasellajam]

Hi, an enjoyable read that rings true. For me it could use some reworking, I have some notes:

I think some people miss each other
by fractions, not oceans
or years–
Great opening, I love fractions/oceans/years, provokes thought about quantities.

not dramatic misunderstandings
from films

Just small alterations
I don't think the poem would suffer from losing "just films". If you want to keep that thought you might replace dramatic with cinematic and move the next line up.

A sentence said differently

Too much eye contact
or not enough

Someone laughs harder than usual
because for a moment I'm not sure you need this line.
they forget to monitor themselves This line does a lot of heavy lifting. There may be a title involving "monitor" or in some rewording of your final line.

Someone beautiful believes
they are difficult to love
This common thought needs to be said in a more interesting way.

Someone ordinary
mistakes ease for impossibility
I'm still having trouble parsing ordinary/ease/impossibility but it may yet click for me.

I keep thinking about that girl from junior high
Possibly something like That girl from junior high lurks or hovers or something else to condense this line a bit.

How easy it was
to exist around her

I had already decided
nothing would happen

So my personality moved freely
Like a dog let off a leash
Strong two lines.

I said stupid things

Interrupted myself

Told stories that wandered nowhere

I never edited my laughter Possibly My laughter unedited.
into something more acceptable
These five lines describe the friend zone well but I wonder if you could find a way to condense them.

And because of that
she met me
Might condense into So she met me

Not the version arranging silverware
inside his mind trying to be seen
Arranging silverware is an interesting way to look at it.

Just me

Or at least
the closest thing to it
Not sure you need these lines.

I did not understand then
that attraction sometimes grows best
in rooms where nobody is trying to earn it
A strong summation but I wonder if I would get there myself through the poem above.

I wonder how many people
have unknowingly sat beside the love of their life

At bars

In classrooms

Near vending machines

In the ten quiet minutes before work begins

...but convenience intervened

or shame

or somebody became aware
of themselves too early

Maybe that is all heartbreak really is–
I'm not convinced of the word "heartbreak" here

consciousness entering the room
Lovely line.

I hope something here helps a bit, please don't forget to leave feedback for someone else. Thanks for posting.

[matsunosuperfan]

Thanks for taking the time to read and give feedback, Genuinely appreciate it.
I don't love the title either, honestly. Haven't mused up anything better yet, but I'll keep sitting with it.
And yeah, guilty as charged on the talky bits. I think I have a habit of using ten words where two would do. Which ones stood out to you as veering that way? I'd like to put this back under the knife.

I gave it the old college try with the pruning shears: 

Consciousness Entering The Room



I think some people miss each other
by fractions, not oceans or years–

Not the dramatic misunderstandings
of films, but a sentence said differently,

Too much eye contact, or
not enough–

Someone laughs harder than usual
because they forgot themselves

Someone mistakes ease
for impossibility

How easy it was to exist
around that girl in junior high

I knew nothing would happen, so
the dog was off the leash.

I said stupid things, interrupted
myself, told stories that wandered nowhere and

because of that, she met me–
Not the version arranging silverware

in his mind. How many people have sat beside
the love of their life

In a classroom
At a dim-lit bar
Next to a vending machine

In the ten quiet minutes
before work begins, but

convenience intervened
or shame, or for a moment
they became aware of themselves