Hypersphere tattoo

[Michael]

you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach. 

You said each night it will ignite before the morning wakes. 

Yet rivers of silver galaxies entwine nature's fragile countenance, 
where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand  
when I look into your eyes. 
I remember how you moved within the gyres, 
tiny snowstorms, black on white, 
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time, 
stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise. 
Facing one another, will our voices intertwine? 
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky, 
past every roof beam, past the horizon line, 
with your laughter, my foolish pantomime, 
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile? 
I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight. 
I do not know how to begin the end, 
how to say goodbye.

Hello poets, I'm new here and sort of new to writing in this fashion but would like some criticism on this before I decide to give it to someone. Thank you very much! Michael.

[wasellajam]

Hi, Michael, a few notes.

you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach. You

You said each night it will ignite before the morning wakes. 

This is unclear, it was said each night or it will ignite each night?

Yet rivers of silver galaxies entwine nature's fragile countenance, 
"rivers of silver galaxies" is a beautiful image, the rest of the line seems unnecessarily abstract.

where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand  
when I look into your eyes. 
Wordy, and a change to current tense, you could consider "where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I saw in your eyes."

I remember how you moved within the gyres, 
tiny snowstorms, black on white, 
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time, 
I like "gyres", the next line I just don't get and wouldn't mind it gone. I like temple/trembles, the whole line seems over-alliterated, it might help to drop "in a tremble of time" to the next line.

stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise. 
Facing one another, will our voices intertwine? 
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky, 
past every roof beam, past the horizon line, 
These four lines achieve the feeling of movement but the first two have an immediacy that doesn't quite suit and "will our voices intertwine?' is cliche and unnecessary. You could probably condense these four lines into two.

with your laughter, my foolish pantomime, 
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile? 
These lines are sweet with the first sign of affection.

I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight. 
I do not know how to begin the end, 
End here.
how to say goodbye.

Hello poets, I'm new here and sort of new to writing in this fashion but would like some criticism on this before I decide to give it to someone. Thank you very much! Michael.

So, just some ideas that occurred to me for you to consider, others may take a different view. Try your hand at leaving comments for others, it's amazing how much you can learn about your own work by trying to help someone else. Welcome to the site, thanks for posting.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Michael- some in line notes, below:

you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach.  very interesting opening
You said each night it will ignite before the morning wakes.  a tad weak follow on with this line
Yet rivers of silver galaxies entwine nature's fragile countenance,  bolded image is very good
where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand once again, a tad weak with the follow on line 
when I look into your eyes. 
I remember how you moved within the gyres, 
tiny snowstorms, black on white, 
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time,  interesting change here- but less abstraction would help
stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise. 
Facing one another, will our voices intertwine? 
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky, 
past every roof beam, past the horizon line, 
with your laughter, my foolish pantomime, 
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile?  this section could be more concrete with its imagery
I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight.  nix the part I crossed through ?
I do not know how to begin the end,  very good penultimate line
how to say goodbye.

I think you're close with this one. I'd like to see less abstraction, and more concrete details to bring it down to earth and closer to the heart.
Solid effort here, and worth refining.
... Mark

[mark1tc]

[quote="Michael" pid='281214' dateline='1781362746']
you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach. 

You said each night it will ignite before the morning wakes. - might try to combine first two lines into a single sentence

Yet rivers of silver galaxies entwine nature's fragile countenance, - Don't need yet IMO, suggest describe, not tell, what you mean by 'nature's fragile countenance'
where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand  
when I look into your eyes. 
I remember how you moved within the gyres, - whirl?
tiny snowstorms, black on white, 
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time, 
stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise. 
Facing one another, will our voices intertwine? 
- intertwine sounds forced poetic IMO - what do voices sound like? or become? or impact? etc.
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky, 
past every roof beam, past the horizon line, - line not necessary IMO
with your laughter, my foolish pantomime, - foolish not necessary IMO - like this line btw shows not tells
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile? - nfinite not necessary imo, 'rainbow's singularity' is confusing to me, singularity alone might carry the image "and the way a singularity aligns in your smile"
I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight. 
I do not know how to begin the end, 
how to say goodbye.

For me this poem is about falling in love or not and committing to someone the writer has become infatuated with, but a turn at the end, and now for an unknown reason the writer must leave the relationship? An effort to describe moments of questions and desire and concern - do I really want to go through with this? is the feeling reciprocated? There is hope and despair.

We see a lot of a weather conceit in this poem - dawn, silver galaxies, snowstorms, open sky, rainbow. I feel like I'm jumping through multiple seasons/weather events that interrupt the flow and I can't figure out how that applies to what I am taking from the reading.

I think this a very good beginning with strong elements of truth - the tension in feelings, the questions I, too, have deeply felt, the limmerance. What are you afraid of? Being alone, or being in love? Or something I totally missed. I feel there is a gem in here that begs to be shaped and polished.

[matsunosuperfan]

you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach. compelling opener, pleasant soft internal rhyme

You said each night it will ignite before the morning wakes. less convinced by this night/ignite rhyme which for me calls too much attention to itself. "the morning wakes" is nice.

Yet rivers of silver galaxies entwine nature's fragile countenance, purple/poemy
where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand  it's interesting figuration, but I resist the Latinate diction 
when I look into your eyes. cliche
I remember how you moved within the gyres, 
tiny snowstorms, black on white, 
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time, I really like "a tremble of time"
stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise. not sure how effective this parallelism is - I'm pretty lost as to what it refers to
Facing one another, *will our voices intertwine?* purple/poemy
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky, feels cliche-adjacent 
past every roof beam, past the horizon line, this imagery fails to excite me, and it feels like I am meant to be excited
with your laughter, my foolish pantomime, "foolish pantomime" is compelling; I'd like to see this aspect of sense foregrounded more prominently in anticipation of this line
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile? overwritten/purple
I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight. think you're maybe a little too enamored of parallel structure  
I do not know how to begin the end, 
how to say goodbye. cliche

Hello poets, I'm new here and sort of new to writing in this fashion but would like some criticism on this before I decide to give it to someone. Thank you very much! Michael.

Hi Michael, welcome! Hope you enjoy your time here. I think this poem has strong parts and weak parts; recommend cutting the fat and reworking as you see fit. 
What I liked best: when the speaker makes new language to describe particular emotions
What I'm most unsure about: places where the speaker seems to get carried away and lose control of the diction, or risks becoming precious and gushy