Can anyone feel such sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished? Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
that smallest presence made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked–
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
them hard enough to trigger. Still he lurked:
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through chips’ Mylar wrap...
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
original version;
It’s possible to feel sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished. Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
companionable, made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked -
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
it hard enough to snap. And still he lurked:
made my den his, disdained a live-catch trap,
watched DVDs with me, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through the Mylar wrap
of chips and croutons, showing his good taste.
I miss him now, for in my and his haste
for solitude and food we laid him waste.
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that’s what’s best for him and me, I lie.
(06-13-2026, 04:49 AM)dukealien Wrote: Small Memoriam
It’s possible to feel sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished. Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house companionable, made me feel a louse not sure this word works
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked -
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
it hard enough to snap. And still he lurked:
made my den his, disdained a live-catch trap,
watched DVDs with me, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through the Mylar wrap
of chips and croutons, showing his good taste. I miss him now, for in my and his haste for solitude and food we laid him waste.I would leave this implied, ie cut these lines
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that’s what’s best for him and me, I lie.
This is raw, little edited. A sonnet and a half?
Hi Duke,
I enjoyed this one. I just have some basic suggestions at this point. First, consider making your opening lines a question rather than a statement. Second, I would recommend trying to streamline the middle focusing on how the mouse became a reluctant (on narrator's part) companion and make the evasion of the narrator's traps light. It's a good story with a lot of potential which you have mostly realized and made better with a little honing. I like the ending very much. I look forward to seeing how you revise.
Take care,
Bryn
Can anyone feel such sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished? Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
that smallest presence made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked–
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
them hard enough to trigger. Still he lurked:
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through chips’ Mylar wrap...
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
Thanks to @brynmawr1 for the critique and suggestions. I've tried to implement them as best I can - including not hitting the reader over the head with the fact that I got him in the eind. (The business with the live trap is real - I thought at the time, looking at the clanky metal thing, "I'm giving him his own @#$% room!")
Can anyone feel such sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished? Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
that smallest presence made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked–
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
them hard enough to trigger. Still he lurked:
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through chips’ Mylar wrap...
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
Thanks to @brynmawr1 for the critique and suggestions. I've tried to implement them as best I can - including not hitting the reader over the head with the fact that I got him in the eind. (The business with the live trap is real - I thought at the time, looking at the clanky metal thing, "I'm giving him his own @#$% room!")
Hi, duke, beautiful job with the rhyme here, really well done and inspiring. Strong edit, I like the addition of private room but wonder if you could slip in "of" before (my live-catch trap) and drop the parentheses.
(06-13-2026, 04:49 AM)dukealien Wrote: Small Memoriam
Can anyone feel such sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished? Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
that smallest presence made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked–
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
them hard enough to trigger. Still he lurked:
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through chips’ Mylar wrap...
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
Think this is quite strong already. The rhyme is mostly well-handled, and the theme while a common one is approached with enough particularity and voice that it doesn't feel tiresome or rote. Nice work
The few places that did feel a bit forced-to-form really stick out for me, because the rest is so smooth: made me feel a louse - this doesn't feel idiomatic or vernacular to my ear, and distracts as such he'd sit and view - "view" doesn't feel like a natural verb to use here. "sit and" feels like filling beats. but never jerked - unnatural diction again chips' Mylar wrap - I wouldn't capitalize, even if that's technically correct, as it calls too much undeserved attention to the word. chips' Mylar wrap is awkward to read aloud.
I really dig the last three lines, usually I resist a summative ending but this strikes me as apt epilogue. The poem presents as a parable, so to end by making the moral explicit works for me.
I'm less convinced that the prologue - the opening question in the first three lines - is necessary. I think it possibly prejudices us too much as to the arc of the narrative we're about to receive. If we're going to know how the speaker feels about it all before anything even happens, then I think to balance this we need more "middle" - right now, the PHILOSOPHY of the occasion is spelled out at beginning and end. But the actual action of how the mouse dies is left implied. If anything, I'm inclined to think it would be more powerful to reverse that.
(Today, 06:09 AM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: (snip)
But the actual action of how the mouse dies is left implied. If anything, I'm inclined to think it would be more powerful to reverse that.
Thanks for sharing your work with me <3
Thank you for the very good critique. I'll work on applying the advice, though it may take a bit of time.
But believe me, and I tell you three times, you do *not* want to know how this mouse died. I've killed animals (including mice) without regret, but this one upset me.
(Today, 06:09 AM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: (snip)
But the actual action of how the mouse dies is left implied. If anything, I'm inclined to think it would be more powerful to reverse that.
Thanks for sharing your work with me <3
Thank you for the very good critique. I'll work on applying the advice, though it may take a bit of time.
But believe me, and I tell you three times, you do *not* want to know how this mouse died. I've killed animals (including mice) without regret, but this one upset me.
Damn... instinct confirmed then - we simply MUST hear about it! Don't shy away from the trouble, this is the heart!
As a whole - for mechanics - it would be easy enough at this point now that you have chiseled the idea into shape - to remove the inversions and obvious padding for them to not be so distracting. That being said - as a whole - I feel it could be doing more, or at least more interesting. It feels like a solid enough sentiment in its own right but it cries out for a more interesting statement, a shock value, a turn - something more. The bones are here and they are good. In my opinion it needs something more to make it more interesting.
Of course, it is just my opinion, but I feel like there could be something more here
Thanks for posting
(06-13-2026, 04:49 AM)dukealien Wrote: Small Memoriam
Can anyone feel such sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished? Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
that smallest presence made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked–
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
them hard enough to trigger. Still he lurked:
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through chips’ Mylar wrap...
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
original version;
It’s possible to feel sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished. Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
companionable, made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked -
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
it hard enough to snap. And still he lurked:
made my den his, disdained a live-catch trap,
watched DVDs with me, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through the Mylar wrap
of chips and croutons, showing his good taste.
I miss him now, for in my and his haste
for solitude and food we laid him waste.
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that’s what’s best for him and me, I lie.
Non-practicing atheist
