He was no pet: a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow, but in my house
that little presence made me feel unkind
for plotting his demise. He’d watch behind
me as I typed until I saw him, too,
then flee when noticed. Though I hatched a few
ideas how to catch him, he was smart–
he’d lick the bait from traps but always dart
away on weightless feet, uncaught and free,
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on floors, chewed into food up on a shelf
above my head. I couldn’t help myself,
and, being human, bought technology:
glue pads eluded prey psychology.
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
edit1;
Small Memoriam
Can anyone feel such sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished? Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
that smallest presence made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked–
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
them hard enough to trigger. Still he lurked:
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through chips’ Mylar wrap...
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
original version;
It’s possible to feel sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished. Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
companionable, made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked -
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
it hard enough to snap. And still he lurked:
made my den his, disdained a live-catch trap,
watched DVDs with me, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through the Mylar wrap
of chips and croutons, showing his good taste.
I miss him now, for in my and his haste
for solitude and food we laid him waste.
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that’s what’s best for him and me, I lie.
(06-13-2026, 04:49 AM)dukealien Wrote: Small Memoriam
It’s possible to feel sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished. Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house companionable, made me feel a louse not sure this word works
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked -
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
it hard enough to snap. And still he lurked:
made my den his, disdained a live-catch trap,
watched DVDs with me, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through the Mylar wrap
of chips and croutons, showing his good taste. I miss him now, for in my and his haste for solitude and food we laid him waste.I would leave this implied, ie cut these lines
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that’s what’s best for him and me, I lie.
This is raw, little edited. A sonnet and a half?
Hi Duke,
I enjoyed this one. I just have some basic suggestions at this point. First, consider making your opening lines a question rather than a statement. Second, I would recommend trying to streamline the middle focusing on how the mouse became a reluctant (on narrator's part) companion and make the evasion of the narrator's traps light. It's a good story with a lot of potential which you have mostly realized and made better with a little honing. I like the ending very much. I look forward to seeing how you revise.
Take care,
Bryn
Can anyone feel such sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished? Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
that smallest presence made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked–
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
them hard enough to trigger. Still he lurked:
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through chips’ Mylar wrap...
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
Thanks to @brynmawr1 for the critique and suggestions. I've tried to implement them as best I can - including not hitting the reader over the head with the fact that I got him in the eind. (The business with the live trap is real - I thought at the time, looking at the clanky metal thing, "I'm giving him his own @#$% room!")
Can anyone feel such sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished? Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
that smallest presence made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked–
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
them hard enough to trigger. Still he lurked:
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through chips’ Mylar wrap...
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
Thanks to @brynmawr1 for the critique and suggestions. I've tried to implement them as best I can - including not hitting the reader over the head with the fact that I got him in the eind. (The business with the live trap is real - I thought at the time, looking at the clanky metal thing, "I'm giving him his own @#$% room!")
Hi, duke, beautiful job with the rhyme here, really well done and inspiring. Strong edit, I like the addition of private room but wonder if you could slip in "of" before (my live-catch trap) and drop the parentheses.
(06-13-2026, 04:49 AM)dukealien Wrote: Small Memoriam
Can anyone feel such sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished? Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
that smallest presence made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked–
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
them hard enough to trigger. Still he lurked:
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through chips’ Mylar wrap...
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
Think this is quite strong already. The rhyme is mostly well-handled, and the theme while a common one is approached with enough particularity and voice that it doesn't feel tiresome or rote. Nice work
The few places that did feel a bit forced-to-form really stick out for me, because the rest is so smooth: made me feel a louse - this doesn't feel idiomatic or vernacular to my ear, and distracts as such he'd sit and view - "view" doesn't feel like a natural verb to use here. "sit and" feels like filling beats. but never jerked - unnatural diction again chips' Mylar wrap - I wouldn't capitalize, even if that's technically correct, as it calls too much undeserved attention to the word. chips' Mylar wrap is awkward to read aloud.
I really dig the last three lines, usually I resist a summative ending but this strikes me as apt epilogue. The poem presents as a parable, so to end by making the moral explicit works for me.
I'm less convinced that the prologue - the opening question in the first three lines - is necessary. I think it possibly prejudices us too much as to the arc of the narrative we're about to receive. If we're going to know how the speaker feels about it all before anything even happens, then I think to balance this we need more "middle" - right now, the PHILOSOPHY of the occasion is spelled out at beginning and end. But the actual action of how the mouse dies is left implied. If anything, I'm inclined to think it would be more powerful to reverse that.
(06-15-2026, 06:09 AM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: (snip)
But the actual action of how the mouse dies is left implied. If anything, I'm inclined to think it would be more powerful to reverse that.
Thanks for sharing your work with me <3
Thank you for the very good critique. I'll work on applying the advice, though it may take a bit of time.
But believe me, and I tell you three times, you do *not* want to know how this mouse died. I've killed animals (including mice) without regret, but this one upset me.
(06-15-2026, 06:09 AM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: (snip)
But the actual action of how the mouse dies is left implied. If anything, I'm inclined to think it would be more powerful to reverse that.
Thanks for sharing your work with me <3
Thank you for the very good critique. I'll work on applying the advice, though it may take a bit of time.
But believe me, and I tell you three times, you do *not* want to know how this mouse died. I've killed animals (including mice) without regret, but this one upset me.
Damn... instinct confirmed then - we simply MUST hear about it! Don't shy away from the trouble, this is the heart!
As a whole - for mechanics - it would be easy enough at this point now that you have chiseled the idea into shape - to remove the inversions and obvious padding for them to not be so distracting. That being said - as a whole - I feel it could be doing more, or at least more interesting. It feels like a solid enough sentiment in its own right but it cries out for a more interesting statement, a shock value, a turn - something more. The bones are here and they are good. In my opinion it needs something more to make it more interesting.
Of course, it is just my opinion, but I feel like there could be something more here
Thanks for posting
(06-13-2026, 04:49 AM)dukealien Wrote: Small Memoriam
Can anyone feel such sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished? Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
that smallest presence made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked–
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
them hard enough to trigger. Still he lurked:
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through chips’ Mylar wrap...
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
original version;
It’s possible to feel sincere regret
for acts which cannot be undone and yet
on balance had to be accomplished. Pet
he was not, just a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow... but in my house
companionable, made me feel a louse
for plotting his demise. He’d sit and view
computer movies ‘til I saw him, too,
then run when noticed. Though I had a few
ideas how to catch him, nothing worked -
he’d lick the bait from traps but never jerked
it hard enough to snap. And still he lurked:
made my den his, disdained a live-catch trap,
watched DVDs with me, left tiny crap
on pantry floors, chewed through the Mylar wrap
of chips and croutons, showing his good taste.
I miss him now, for in my and his haste
for solitude and food we laid him waste.
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that’s what’s best for him and me, I lie.
He was no pet: a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow, but in my house
that little presence made me feel unkind
for plotting his demise. He’d watch behind
me as I typed until I saw him, too,
then flee when noticed. Though I hatched a few
ideas how to catch him, he was smart–
he’d lick the bait from traps but always dart
away on weightless feet, uncaught and free,
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on floors, chewed into food up on a shelf
above my head. I couldn’t help myself,
and, being human, bought technology:
glue pads eluded prey psychology.
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
Thanks to all the additional critics. I'm reserving the first edit (partly because @wasellajam like it), but have tried to implement the criticisms and suggestions here. Including a modified limited hang-out of how I got the little guy but reserving the ugly details.
Frankly, I liked this better when it was a bit lighter - that's probably why I put it in Basic. It now seems kind of flat, though there's still some padding in evidence.
He was no pet: a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow, but in my house
that little presence made me feel unkind
for plotting his demise. He’d watch behind
me as I typed until I saw him, too,
then flee when noticed. Though I hatched a few
ideas how to catch him, he was smart–
he’d lick the bait from traps but always dart
away on weightless feet, uncaught and free,
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on floors, chewed into food up on a shelf
above my head. I couldn’t help myself,
and, being human, bought technology:
glue pads eluded prey psychology.
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
Thanks to all the additional critics. I'm reserving the first edit (partly because @wasellajam like it), but have tried to implement the criticisms and suggestions here. Including a modified limited hang-out of how I got the little guy but reserving the ugly details.
Frankly, I liked this better when it was a bit lighter - that's probably why I put it in Basic. It now seems kind of flat, though there's still some padding in evidence.
Going to go through it a few times but you are latching on to something I think we have discussed a few times here before without much resolution: There is a spark that sometimes births a poem and it feels (certainly to the creator) to embody that energy - that spark of creation. Many times when we revise (especially since we may be taking the input of others further from that spark) it starts to feel flat.
As a writer, I have certainly felt it myself when I get too far from what first ignited the desire to write it. Fortunately, you never really lose the earlier version and you can go back, you can have both, etc. My opinion - if you don't enjoy reading it yourself, it will never work.
Also, you can pluralize both crap and trap to eliminate that grammar error.
@milo - I'll be offline for a week, but busily working on this with pencil and paper when I'm not driving. I had another one in the works that I thought had more potential (reworking a literary cliche) but a week's time for both.
Concerning the grammar trap(s), here's the facts: I have four (lethal) spring traps and one live-catch trap. He ate the bait from each of the spring traps and wouldn't enter the live-catch trap (baited or not). Which explains the use of singular vs. plural, but of course to the reader it looks wrong because he has no reason to know the traps and the trap are two different entities. Now, to finesse this without making the poem clunkier than it is...
(06-13-2026, 04:49 AM)dukealien Wrote: Small Memoriam II
He was no pet: a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow, but in my house
that little presence made me feel unkind
for plotting his demise. He’d watch behind
me as I typed until I saw him, too,
then flee when noticed. Though I hatched a few
ideas how to catch him, he was smart–
he’d lick the bait from traps but always dart
away on weightless feet, uncaught and free,
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on floors, chewed into food up on a shelf
above my head. I couldn’t help myself,
and, being human, bought technology:
glue pads eluded prey psychology.
I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.
Yeah it's a little boring now, I agree. It got flattened. Now it feels too expository, too directly mimetic of the occasion. "Explainy." There's no room between subject and form for the aesthetic shudder to occur. My previous gripes aside, I liked the original better.
Non-practicing atheist
