When dawn had broken through
the shroud of cooking smoke
which lay over the township,
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold.
A young man stepped down from a bus,
and joined a line that snaked
towards a tin-roofed school-house
set in a field more dirt than grass.
The long line shimmied forward,
people sang and toyi-toyied,
bare feet slapped the hard-packed earth.
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable.
A sign above the door read “Polling Station”.
The young man went inside and made his choice.
A pencilled cross, so simple to make,
so hard to win the right to make.
After, he stood on the school steps,
raised his arms and cried, Amandla! (power).
And those in the line responded, Awethu! (to us).
When the morning sun broke through
the smoke from the cooking fires
which lay like a blanket over the township,
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold.
Daniel stepped down from the bus,
and joined a line that snaked sinuously
towards the tin-roofed school house
sitting below the kopje,
in a field more dirt than grass.
The line shimmied forward,
as people sang and toyi-toyied,
bare feet slapping the hard-packed earth.
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable.
A sign above the door - polling station.
Daniel made his choice.
A cross - so simple to make,
so hard to win the right to make.
After, Daniel stood on the school house steps,
raised his arms and cried,
Amandla! (power)
And those in the line responded,
Awethu! (to us)
(05-12-2026, 10:46 PM)JohnS Wrote: When the morning sun broke through
the smoke from the cooking fires could one "the" be cut here? Not sure which.
which lay like a blanket over the township, perhaps "on" vice "over" - might also consider ending the sentence here, or a semicolon
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold. very effective image
Daniel stepped down from the bus,
and joined a line that snaked sinuously see how much better "a" is here than another "the?"
towards the tin-roofed school house
sitting below the kopje, perhaps "waiting" vice "sitting" - also, "kopje" could be italicized to indicate a non-English word
in a field more dirt than grass. another good image, some would say cliche but it fits very well here.
The line shimmied forward, not sure about "shimmied," something like "budged" but better?
as people sang and toyi-toyied, consider italicizing non-English words?
bare feet slapping the hard-packed earth. cutting "the" here would give a rhythm
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable. Another word which also has 4 syllables? Though this is well enough.
A sign above the door - polling station. perhaps quotes around "polling station" and perhaps capitalized
Daniel made his choice.
A cross - so simple to make, perhaps a different word to avoid repeating "make" and its variants - "draw?"
so hard to win the right to make. and perhaps "choose" here, though I see the point of repetition in a different sense.
After, Daniel stood on the school house steps, again, better without "the?" Which would also emphasize that he has a lot to learn about democracy
raised his arms and cried,
Amandla! (power) Again, foreign (to the English reader) words could (should?) be italicized for clarity
And those in the line responded,
Awethu! (to us) Could also put the words actually spoken in double quotes, and a period is required here.
It was April 26, 1994.
Of such moments history is made - but its curve toward justice is too often misdirected. But, to work!
In mild critique, I have some suggestions above, mostly minor. This is well done, and that we look back on the day with regret is not for the day itself, but missed opportunities which followed. You need not include them, of course: This is a landmark point in time, suitably memorialized.
(05-12-2026, 10:46 PM)JohnS Wrote: When the morning sun broke through
the smoke from the cooking fires could one "the" be cut here? Not sure which.
which lay like a blanket over the township, perhaps "on" vice "over" - might also consider ending the sentence here, or a semicolon
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold. very effective image
Daniel stepped down from the bus,
and joined a line that snaked sinuously see how much better "a" is here than another "the?"
towards the tin-roofed school house
sitting below the kopje, perhaps "waiting" vice "sitting" - also, "kopje" could be italicized to indicate a non-English word
in a field more dirt than grass. another good image, some would say cliche but it fits very well here.
The line shimmied forward, not sure about "shimmied," something like "budged" but better?
as people sang and toyi-toyied, consider italicizing non-English words?
bare feet slapping the hard-packed earth. cutting "the" here would give a rhythm
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable. Another word which also has 4 syllables? Though this is well enough.
A sign above the door - polling station. perhaps quotes around "polling station" and perhaps capitalized
Daniel made his choice.
A cross - so simple to make, perhaps a different word to avoid repeating "make" and its variants - "draw?"
so hard to win the right to make. and perhaps "choose" here, though I see the point of repetition in a different sense.
After, Daniel stood on the school house steps, again, better without "the?" Which would also emphasize that he has a lot to learn about democracy
raised his arms and cried,
Amandla! (power) Again, foreign (to the English reader) words could (should?) be italicized for clarity
And those in the line responded,
Awethu! (to us) Could also put the words actually spoken in double quotes, and a period is required here.
It was April 26, 1994.
Of such moments history is made - but its curve toward justice is too often misdirected. But, to work!
In mild critique, I have some suggestions above, mostly minor. This is well done, and that we look back on the day with regret is not for the day itself, but missed opportunities which followed. You need not include them, of course: This is a landmark point in time, suitably memorialized.
Thank you for the thoughtful critique, I'll certainly look at incorporating your suggestions.
Hi, John, this reads beautifully and gives a real sense of time and place. Some notes:
(05-12-2026, 10:46 PM)JohnS Wrote: When the morning sun broke through
the smoke from the cooking fires Something is a little clunky here, possibly a descriptor before cooking, breakfast, dying, banked, something.
which lay like a blanket over the township,
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold. Strong images throughout S1.
Daniel stepped down from the bus,
and joined a line that snaked sinuously "snaked sinuously" seems a little predictable if not cliched, I'm on the fence with it, it's "sinuously" that's not sitting quite right.
towards the tin-roofed school house
sitting below the kopje,
in a field more dirt than grass. Great last line, again strong images throughout.
The line shimmied forward, Love "the line shimmied".
as people sang and toyi-toyied,
bare feet slapping the hard-packed earth. I can hear it.
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable. The list suits the long wait.
A sign above the door - polling station. Not a fan of the dash, possibly read, declared, announced or something stronger.
Daniel made his choice.
A cross - so simple to make,
so hard to win the right to make.
After, Daniel stood on the school house steps,
raised his arms and cried,
Amandla! (power)
And those in the line responded,
Awethu! (to us) I'd like the poem to end here in strength, maybe add the date to the title.
It was April 26, 1994.
So, i really had no recommendations at first, I just wanted to make sure 'shimmied" didn't get cut.
It's very effective as is, thanks for the read.
(05-15-2026, 04:09 AM)wasellajam Wrote: Hi, John, this reads beautifully and gives a real sense of time and place. Some notes:
(05-12-2026, 10:46 PM)JohnS Wrote: When the morning sun broke through
the smoke from the cooking fires Something is a little clunky here, possibly a descriptor before cooking, breakfast, dying, banked, something.
which lay like a blanket over the township,
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold. Strong images throughout S1.
Daniel stepped down from the bus,
and joined a line that snaked sinuously "snaked sinuously" seems a little predictable if not cliched, I'm on the fence with it, it's "sinuously" that's not sitting quite right.
towards the tin-roofed school house
sitting below the kopje,
in a field more dirt than grass. Great last line, again strong images throughout.
The line shimmied forward, Love "the line shimmied".
as people sang and toyi-toyied,
bare feet slapping the hard-packed earth. I can hear it.
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable. The list suits the long wait.
A sign above the door - polling station. Not a fan of the dash, possibly read, declared, announced or something stronger.
Daniel made his choice.
A cross - so simple to make,
so hard to win the right to make.
After, Daniel stood on the school house steps,
raised his arms and cried,
Amandla! (power)
And those in the line responded,
Awethu! (to us) I'd like the poem to end here in strength, maybe add the date to the title.
It was April 26, 1994.
So, i really had no recommendations at first, I just wanted to make sure 'shimmied" didn't get cut.
It's very effective as is, thanks for the read.
Thank, Ella. I think I'll just delete "sinuously", "snaked" can stand on its own.
Good suggestion to end at Awethu, the title could be that date.
(05-12-2026, 10:46 PM)JohnS Wrote: When the morning sun broke through
the smoke from the cooking fires
which lay like a blanket over the township,
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold.
Daniel stepped down from the bus, ... I would prefer to have a couple of lines about Daniel's background that justify giving him a name in this poem. The name shows up twice, but the ... person may as well be anonymous
and joined a line that snaked sinuously ... tautological towards the tin-roofed school house sitting below the kopje, in a field more dirt than grass.
The line shimmied forward, as people sang and toyi-toyied, bare feet slapping the hard-packed earth. ...these are some good lines
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable.
A sign above the door - polling station.
Daniel made his choice.
A cross - so simple to make,
so hard to win the right to make.
After, Daniel stood on the school house steps,
raised his arms and cried,
Amandla! (power)
And those in the line responded,
Awethu! (to us)
It was April 26, 1994. ... This could be the title instead of an 'explanation' at the bottom
Hi JohnS - some great lines in the middle. You could polish this up into something quite nice.
(05-12-2026, 10:46 PM)JohnS Wrote: When the morning sun broke through
the smoke from the cooking fires
which lay like a blanket over the township,
the skyline of distant Johannesburg
glowed like molten gold.
Daniel stepped down from the bus, ... I would prefer to have a couple of lines about Daniel's background that justify giving him a name in this poem. The name shows up twice, but the ... person may as well be anonymous
and joined a line that snaked sinuously ... tautological towards the tin-roofed school house sitting below the kopje, in a field more dirt than grass.
The line shimmied forward, as people sang and toyi-toyied, bare feet slapping the hard-packed earth. ...these are some good lines
For hour after hour it moved,
determined,
unstoppable,
inevitable.
A sign above the door - polling station.
Daniel made his choice.
A cross - so simple to make,
so hard to win the right to make.
After, Daniel stood on the school house steps,
raised his arms and cried,
Amandla! (power)
And those in the line responded,
Awethu! (to us)
It was April 26, 1994. ... This could be the title instead of an 'explanation' at the bottom
Hi JohnS - some great lines in the middle. You could polish this up into something quite nice.
Thank you, Busker,
I appreciate your comments, which I'll take into account when editing.
