Tock - edit

[dukealien]

Tock


Have you ever walked into a room
or simply found yourself alone in one,
unable to remember why you’re there
or what it was you were supposed to do?

But then an inkling comes and you recall
a reason you’d have gone there and a smile
of self-congratulation forms until
you recollect that she should be there, too.

original version;

Have you ever walked into a room
or simply found yourself alone in one,
unable to remember why you came there
or what it was you were supposed to do?

But then an inkling comes and you recall
a reason you’d have gone there and a glow
of self-congratulation warms your heart
until your head reminds you she has died.

Trying to get back into iambic, and away from geography.

[RiverNotch]

First line is technically not iambic; missing a syllable either in the first or the second foot, I think.

"There" in third line unnecessary, I think.

There's two turns, the one between the two stanzas and the one at the very end, and I find the second turn somewhat dissatisfying. It's maybe one too many recollections, or "your head reminds" is too "written-for-the-meter"---or maybe the whole line is written for the meter, I'm not really sure how "she died" is that intentional, since it doesn't feel like it connects with any of the earlier lines. Would have it be something completely different, or just pruned entirely.

[dukealien]

edit;

Have you ever walked into a room
or simply found yourself alone in one,
unable to remember why you’re there
or what it was you were supposed to do?

But then an inkling comes and you recall
a reason you’d have gone there and a smile
of self-congratulation forms until
you recollect that she should be there, too.

---

@RiverNotch - Thanks for the good critique.  I've tried to respond to each of your points (including a less sharp second turn)... except the one about the first line.

This is something I find myself doing from time to time in IP:  going back over the first line and finding that first unstressed syllable is just filler no matter what I do with it.  So I just leave it off and begin on the downbeat.  Conversationally, someone would naturally begin with "So" or "Well" or "Hey!" as an opening gambit, but it seems wrong in print.  A salesman would, of course, insert his interlocutor's name there.

If it's a serious flaw, I'll be happy to reconsider.

[milo]

edit;

Have you ever walked into a room
or simply found yourself alone in one,
unable to remember why you’re there
or what it was you were supposed to do?

But then an inkling comes and you recall
a reason you’d have gone there and a smile
of self-congratulation forms until
you recollect that she should be there, too.

---

@RiverNotch - Thanks for the good critique.  I've tried to respond to each of your points (including a less sharp second turn)... except the one about the first line.

This is something I find myself doing from time to time in IP:  going back over the first line and finding that first unstressed syllable is just filler no matter what I do with it.  So I just leave it off and begin on the downbeat.  Conversationally, someone would naturally begin with "So" or "Well" or "Hey!" as an opening gambit, but it seems wrong in print.  A salesman would, of course, insert his interlocutor's name there.

If it's a serious flaw, I'll be happy to reconsider.

It is perfectly acceptable in IP - used by every one of the past masters and it even has a name - "headless IP"

[dukealien]

It is perfectly acceptable in IP - used by every one of the past masters and it even has a name - "headless IP"

Well   , that's a relief.  Does it have another name when it comes about in mid-poem because the extra unstressed syllable of the previous line is actually the first of the following, when read aloud?

[milo]

It is perfectly acceptable in IP - used by every one of the past masters and it even has a name - "headless IP"

Well   , that's a relief.  Does it have another name when it comes about in mid-poem because the extra unstressed syllable of the previous line is actually the first of the following, when read aloud?

I am sure there is a name - post a example, I may know it

[JohnS]

Tock


Have you ever walked into a room
or simply found yourself alone in one,
unable to remember why you’re there
or what it was you were supposed to do?

But then an inkling comes and you recall
a reason you’d have gone there and a smile
of self-congratulation forms until
you recollect that she should be there, too.

original version;

Have you ever walked into a room
or simply found yourself alone in one,
unable to remember why you came there
or what it was you were supposed to do?

But then an inkling comes and you recall
a reason you’d have gone there and a glow
of self-congratulation warms your heart
until your head reminds you she has died.

Trying to get back into iambic, and away from geography.

This version reads well to me. However, the meter is controlling the dialogue a bit too obviously in places. I suppose this is inevitable when writing in iambic. How would I know, I'm a poetry babe in arms?!
The payoff line in this version is a huge improvement, but I do feel it's a stretch to connect the "why did I come into this room" idea with a missing loved one so directly. I think there's an opportunity for another stanza, adding another instance where the loss is remembered.
Sorry, I'm prattling on inexpertly.

[RiverNotch]

It is perfectly acceptable in IP - used by every one of the past masters and it even has a name - "headless IP"

TIL. When I find myself starting with a stressed foot I always try to default to a trochee xD

But treating that first line as a puzzle....

Have you once walked into some (quiet?) room
Have you set foot into some (quiet?) room
Have you perambulated to a room (okay, this is a bit ridiculous xD)