Narcissus In Venusian Clothes

[wasellajam]

Narcissus In Venusian Clothes  (after Magpie)

How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
The shell will crack and out will ooze
the suffocated residue
of who you were before the sham.

How long before she hates herself
for falling for a surface laid
upon a turd of misery
who wooed her with a sticky net
disguised as loving empathy?

But you won’t fret about her fall,
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself, relieved to fly away?

Narcissus In Venusian Clothes  (after Magpie)

How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
The shell will crack and out will ooze
the suffocated residue
of who you were before the sham.

How long before she hates herself
for falling for a surface laid
upon a turd of misery
who wooed her with a sticky net
disguised as loving empathy?

But you won’t fret about her fall,
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself and flies away towards joy?

[Magpie]

Really well executed... Brilliant title

I particularly like the lines 'the suffocated residue' and 'upon a turd of misery'

no biggy but - is there an extra beat in the last line? Could change 'towards' into 'to'

[wasellajam]

Really well executed... Brilliant title

I particularly like the lines 'the suffocated residue' and 'upon a turd of misery'

no biggy but - is there an extra beat in the last line? Could change 'towards' into 'to'

Thanks for the read and inspiration, I googled from yours, guessing you googled from elsewhere.
Yeah, I know someone who just shed one of those after 30 years, all is light and joy in the world now.

Ugh, I just had this discussion with duke, that troublemaker "towards", one syllable but always bumping into someone's read, I vow to avoid it in the future, maybe I'll edit it here.

See this interesting clip:
what do you mean I mispronounced it?

[Bunx]

Damn this is good. I just am impressed with what and how much this poem covers in three stanzas. I feel like the poem would resonate with most people at some point of their lives.

" Upon a turd of misery" is chefs kiss. Thanks for the read

[wasellajam]

Damn this is good. I just am impressed with what and how much this poem covers in three stanzas. I feel like the poem would resonate with most people at some point of their lives.

" Upon a turd of misery" is chefs kiss. Thanks for the read

Bunx!!! Thanks for reading and posting. This is what happens when I spit it out instead of trying to write a poem, lol, I hope it has some value in spite of its nastiness.

[Magpie]

Ugh, I just had this discussion with duke, that troublemaker "towards", one syllable but always bumping into someone's read, I vow to avoid it in the future, maybe I'll edit it here.

See this interesting clip:
what do you mean I mispronounced it?

 ooops i did it again

I look fward twards a time when I get pronunciation 

[wasellajam]

Ugh, I just had this discussion with duke, that troublemaker "towards", one syllable but always bumping into someone's read, I vow to avoid it in the future, maybe I'll edit it here.

See this interesting clip:
what do you mean I mispronounced it?

 ooops i did it again

I look fward twards a time when I get pronunciation 

Nah, a bump is still a bump, a convenient word but I'm done with it. 

---

This last line is better anyway, thanks for making me look at it.

[rowens]

Maybe:

for falling for a surface lay,
upon a turd of misery


Here's what you should tell your newly single friend:

First Impressions are for Prom Night Dumpsters

True colors come out
when there is no doubt.

A creep from the start
comes clean with clear heart.

[wasellajam]

Maybe:

for falling for a surface lay,
upon a turd of misery


Here's what you should tell your newly single friend:

First Impressions are for Prom Night Dumpsters

True colors come out
when there is no doubt.

A creep from the start
comes clean with clear heart.

Thanks for reading and posting, rowens, I'll think about lay vs laid, thanks.
Yeah, best behavior isn't all it's cracked up to be.
My friend will soar, not worried.

[rowens]

Who said anything about worrying?

[wasellajam]

Who said anything about worrying?

Just saying my friend doesn't need my advice. And who mentioned advice? You.

[rowens]

Maybe what I said was: Add vice.

---

Besides, just because you tell somebody something, doesn't make it advice.

[wasellajam]

Maybe:

for falling for a surface lay,
upon a turd of misery


Here's what you should tell your newly single friend:

First Impressions are for Prom Night Dumpsters

True colors come out
when there is no doubt.

A creep from the start
comes clean with clear heart.

Delayed reaction. Poking around the practice threads I read Leanne's intro into Narrative:

"Lays: The lay is most commonly a long romantic tale, made popular by the French troubadours but probably of Celtic origins, as revived by W.B. Yeats in “The Wanderings of Oisin” or “The Lay of the Last Minstrel” by Walter Scott."

New to me, went above my head, I'll think about your suggestion again, thanks.

[jeanelyking]

Narcissus In Venusian Clothes  (after Magpie)

How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
The shell will crack and out will ooze
the suffocated residue
of who you were before the sham.

How long before she hates herself
for falling for a surface laid
upon a turd of misery
who wooed her with a sticky net
disguised as loving empathy?

But you won’t fret about her fall,
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself, relieved to fly away?

Narcissus In Venusian Clothes  (after Magpie)

How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
The shell will crack and out will ooze
the suffocated residue
of who you were before the sham.

How long before she hates herself
for falling for a surface laid
upon a turd of misery
who wooed her with a sticky net
disguised as loving empathy?

But you won’t fret about her fall,
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself and flies away towards joy?

woah this hits a little too close to home.

“who wooed her with a sticky net, disguised as loving empathy?” encapsulates such an elaborate experience, that i’ve struggled to name, in so few words. i feel seen; no notes !

[Mark A Becker]

How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
I'm glad you kept the opening in the revision


The shell will crack and out will ooze
the suffocated residue
of who you were before the sham.
hmm? a different word for sham?


How long before she hates herself
for falling for a surface laid
upon a turd of misery
who wooed her with a sticky net
disguised as loving empathy?
The bolded part may be the strongest lines in this poem


But you won’t fret about her fall,
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself, relieved to fly away?
Solid ending, from the persspective of the N.

Sometimes poems just write themselves, eh?

[wasellajam]

How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
I'm glad you kept the opening in the revision


The shell will crack and out will ooze
the suffocated residue
of who you were before the sham.
hmm? a different word for sham?


How long before she hates herself
for falling for a surface laid
upon a turd of misery
who wooed her with a sticky net
disguised as loving empathy?
The bolded part may be the strongest lines in this poem


But you won’t fret about her fall,
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself, relieved to fly away?
Solid ending, from the persspective of the N.

Sometimes poems just write themselves, eh?

I've thought about sham with every read, scam? Doesn't seem worth the change. I've haven't figured out what's wrong there but good catch, it catches me too. I've only changed the last line, my last lines usually fall flat, sum up too much or not enough, (we need a shrugging smilie). Yep, wrote itself, I just had to be there, here, to catch it. Thanks for the read and comments, much appreciated.

---

Narcissus In Venusian Clothes  (after Magpie)

How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
The shell will crack and out will ooze
the suffocated residue
of who you were before the sham.

How long before she hates herself
for falling for a surface laid
upon a turd of misery
who wooed her with a sticky net
disguised as loving empathy?

But you won’t fret about her fall,
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself, relieved to fly away?

Narcissus In Venusian Clothes  (after Magpie)

How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
The shell will crack and out will ooze
the suffocated residue
of who you were before the sham.

How long before she hates herself
for falling for a surface laid
upon a turd of misery
who wooed her with a sticky net
disguised as loving empathy?

But you won’t fret about her fall,
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself and flies away towards joy?

woah this hits a little too close to home.

“who wooed her with a sticky net, disguised as loving empathy?” encapsulates such an elaborate experience, that i’ve struggled to name, in so few words. i feel seen; no notes !

Thanks for reading and commenting!

[Mark A Becker]

how bout:

the egg will crack...
...
... before the shell

[wasellajam]

how bout:

the egg will crack...
...
... before the shell

So intersting, creates a stronger, inescapable image, eggs are so oozy.
My concern is that there's so much life and hope in an egg, none here.
Gonna let that brew a while.

Thanks for thinking with me.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again-
Even with one bad eye I've come back to this one because I can see some issues that may need addressing. Chief among those is the shift between second and third pserson.

Narcissus In Venusian Clothes perhaps Soft Boiled as a title, to strengthen the shell metaphor?

How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
The egg will crack and out will ooze EGG here instead of SHELL?
the suffocated residue
of who she was before the shell . SHE ? I think third person works better if carried through. SHELL here instead of SHAM?

How long before she hates herself Clearly third person now.
for falling for a surface lay perhaps LAY instead of LAID ?
upon a turd of misery Not a fan of this line. Perhaps something like web of lies?
which wooed her with a sticky net WHICH instead of WHO ?
disguised as loving empathy?

But you won’t fret about her fall, YOU and HER indicate a couple that N knows/knew, possibly knowing the YOU better.
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself, relieved to fly away?

If I didn't like this poem so much I wouldn't have continued to comment. There does seem to be a disconnect between 2nd and 3rd person. In the end I get the feeling that the N knows this couple well, as the N observes that he's still around, while she is busy extricating herself. The poem, for me, is addressed to the guy in the relationship.

All in all, some things need a bit of tightening.
... Mark

[wasellajam]

Hello again-
Even with one bad eye I've come back to this one because I can see some issues that may need addressing. Chief among those is the shift between second and third pserson.

Narcissus In Venusian Clothes perhaps Soft Boiled as a title, to strengthen the shell metaphor?

How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
The egg will crack and out will ooze EGG here instead of SHELL?
the suffocated residue
of who she was before the shell . SHE ? I think third person works better if carried through. SHELL here instead of SHAM?

How long before she hates herself Clearly third person now.
for falling for a surface lay perhaps LAY instead of LAID ?
upon a turd of misery Not a fan of this line. Perhaps something like web of lies?
which wooed her with a sticky net WHICH instead of WHO ?
disguised as loving empathy?

But you won’t fret about her fall, YOU and HER indicate a couple that N knows/knew, possibly knowing the YOU better.
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself, relieved to fly away?

If I didn't like this poem so much I wouldn't have continued to comment. There does seem to be a disconnect between 2nd and 3rd person. In the end I get the feeling that the N knows this couple well, as the N observes that he's still around, while she is busy extricating herself. The poem, for me, is addressed to the guy in the relationship.

All in all, some things need a bit of tightening.
... Mark

Mark, thanks so much for the arrows to confusion. Yes, the poem is addressing the "you", I'll have to go through and try to clarify, I think I need to stop reading it for a bit to get a fresh eye, Thanks for giving me something to work with for an edit, always great to get your detailed critique.