A Cheater’s Dance

[ilovewomenandbeer]

Been working on tightening my imagery while keeping metaphors alive throughout a poem and not being cliché.

Edit Revision(#1)

A Cheater’s Dance

I just wanted a calm waltz.
Lyrical lopes,
my partner likes to krump—
I don’t like it rough.

She’s the world, I know,
tempting, onlooking,
wanting to truly waltz.

Make dancing delicate again.

Cinderelian ball—
kissing, telling, and dancing—

I lied about the tango,
the delectable, unforgettable touch.

I pursued, persuaded, and
lied about my dance.

Then guests knew—quietly.

Kissing, whispering, and waltzing.

Still, a bachata
wouldn’t spin my world.

Stuck between two spinning worlds.

As for the restless confession—
I’ll leave it on the cold floor.

Alone,

I’ll never know
what it’s like
to truly dance.

[Richard]

Been working on tightening my imagery while keeping metaphors alive throughout a poem and not being cliché.

Hey ilovewomenandbeer, 
I get a sense you made a conscious effort here to be tight with you dancing imagery, but I feel like it could be tighter. 


A Cheater’s Dance

I just wanted to dance
at a normal pace.-Maybe change from "normal" to "slow" pace to create a greater contrast with the speaker and their love interest.

My partner likes to go— This feels like a missed opportunity to compare her dancing speed or mismatched dancing speeds to something that connects to the idea of cheating. 
I don’t like her spin.

She’s the world, I know, -"She's the world" borders on cliche and doesn't keep with the dancing motif. 
but a normal date -"Normal" is too plain of a word, and I don't know if it's strong enough to get your meaning across. 
might make me truly waltz. -The idea of waltz would go better if you used the slow pace back at the start.

Maybe make it delicate again. -This line says enough but is also just vague enough to make me interested.

like a normal date— -I feel like "usual" or "typical" might work better than normal. You could also play around with what those words mean besides being normal. 
Kissing, telling, and dancing—

I lied about the tango,
the delectable, unforgettable touch. -If the speaker lied, maybe describe the tango as tasteless, forgettable, which would be a good way to stress the pointlessness of the cheating.

I pursued, persuaded, and
lied about my dance, -If the speaker is the cheater, I feel like this needs to be stronger. How did they pursue, how did they persuade? Create an image by going into detail. Describe them watching the other person, picking just the right moment to ask them to dance, even though they know it's wrong. 

The guests knew—quietly. -How would the guests know? Are they friends? 

Kissing, whispering, and waltzing.-What are they whispering? This is a missed opportunity to give a detail that could really hammer home how questionable this all is, like mentioning "I love you's" as fake as the speaker's love of tango.

Still, a normal date
wouldn’t spin my world.-Maybe say "wouldn't give me the embrace/ of a tango"? I'm a sucker for enjambment.

Stuck between tangos—
two spinning worlds. -The image of two spinning worlds sounds too cosmic to me. Maybe leave the first line as its own stanza.

As for the restless confession—
I’ll leave it on the cold floor. -Why is the floor cold? 

I’ll never know
what it’s like
to truly dance. -I like this ending, but feel like you could be built up to it more. 

Overall, there's definitely something here worth exploring in a second draft. Hopefully, I wasn't too harsh here.

Cheers,
Richard

[ilovewomenandbeer]

Been working on tightening my imagery while keeping metaphors alive throughout a poem and not being cliché.

Hey ilovewomenandbeer, 
I get a sense you made a conscious effort here to be tight with you dancing imagery, but I feel like it could be tighter. 


A Cheater’s Dance

I just wanted to dance
at a normal pace.-Maybe change from "normal" to "slow" pace to create a greater contrast with the speaker and their love interest.

My partner likes to go— This feels like a missed opportunity to compare her dancing speed or mismatched dancing speeds to something that connects to the idea of cheating. 
I don’t like her spin.

She’s the world, I know, -"She's the world" borders on cliche and doesn't keep with the dancing motif. 
but a normal date -"Normal" is too plain of a word, and I don't know if it's strong enough to get your meaning across. 
might make me truly waltz. -The idea of waltz would go better if you used the slow pace back at the start.

Maybe make it delicate again. -This line says enough but is also just vague enough to make me interested.

like a normal date— -I feel like "usual" or "typical" might work better than normal. You could also play around with what those words mean besides being normal. 
Kissing, telling, and dancing—

I lied about the tango,
the delectable, unforgettable touch. -If the speaker lied, maybe describe the tango as tasteless, forgettable, which would be a good way to stress the pointlessness of the cheating.

I pursued, persuaded, and
lied about my dance, -If the speaker is the cheater, I feel like this needs to be stronger. How did they pursue, how did they persuade? Create an image by going into detail. Describe them watching the other person, picking just the right moment to ask them to dance, even though they know it's wrong. 

The guests knew—quietly. -How would the guests know? Are they friends? 

Kissing, whispering, and waltzing.-What are they whispering? This is a missed opportunity to give a detail that could really hammer home how questionable this all is, like mentioning "I love you's" as fake as the speaker's love of tango.

Still, a normal date
wouldn’t spin my world.-Maybe say "wouldn't give me the embrace/ of a tango"? I'm a sucker for enjambment.

Stuck between tangos—
two spinning worlds. -The image of two spinning worlds sounds too cosmic to me. Maybe leave the first line as its own stanza.

As for the restless confession—
I’ll leave it on the cold floor. -Why is the floor cold? 

I’ll never know
what it’s like
to truly dance. -I like this ending, but feel like you could be built up to it more. 

Overall, there's definitely something here worth exploring in a second draft. Hopefully, I wasn't too harsh here.

Cheers,
Richard

Thank you, I really appreciate the thoughtful feedback—it wasn’t harsh at all, it actually helped me sharpen the poem and see where I was being too vague or safe.

Here are some of the revisions I made based on your suggestions:

* **“a calm waltz”** — I leaned into a specific dance instead of “normal/slow” to strengthen the metaphor from the start.
* **“my partner likes to krump—”** — I added a contrasting dance style to better show mismatch and tension instead of just saying pace.
* **Removed “She’s the world”** — I cut this to avoid cliché and keep everything grounded in the dance motif.
* **“Cinderelian ball—”** — I replaced “normal date” with something more symbolic to reflect illusion and performance rather than something plain.
* **Kept “the delectable, unforgettable touch”** — I chose to keep this because I wanted the temptation to feel real, not empty, to better justify the internal conflict.
* **“Then guests knew—quietly.”** — I kept this ambiguous on purpose to make the exposure feel subtle and social rather than explained.
* **“Kissing, whispering, and waltzing.”** — I left the whispers unsaid to keep that sense of quiet dishonesty instead of making it too explicit.
* **“Still, a bachata / wouldn’t spin my world.”** — I replaced “normal date” with another dance to stay consistent with the metaphor system.
* **“Stuck between two spinning worlds.”** — I kept this line because I liked the slightly larger, disorienting feeling it gives.
* **“I’ll leave it on the cold floor.”** — I kept “cold” to reflect emotional distance and avoidance.

Your feedback really pushed me to make the metaphor more consistent and intentional, so I appreciate it a lot.

A Cheater’s Dance
I just wanted a calm waltz.
Lyrical lopes,
my partner likes to krump—
I don’t like it rough.
She’s the world, I know,
tempting, onlooking,
wanting to truly waltz.
Make dancing delicate again.
Cinderelian ball—
kissing, telling, and dancing—
I lied about the tango,
the delectable, unforgettable touch.
I pursued, persuaded, and
lied about my dance.
Then guests knew—quietly.
Kissing, whispering, and waltzing.
Still, a bachata
wouldn’t spin my world.
Stuck between two spinning worlds.
As for the restless confession—
I’ll leave it on the cold floor.
Alone,
I’ll never know
what it’s like
to truly dance.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi ilovewomenandbeer,

There is an interesting idea here, the metaphor being a comparison of a relationship to a dance and exploring how infidelity would factor into such a dance. After reading, I feel the poem might benefit from some condensing. I'll go line-by-line and show you what I mean.

A Cheater’s Dance
I just wanted a calm waltz.
Lyrical lopes,
my partner likes to krump—
I don’t like it rough. This line doesn't give the reader much beyond what the first line already gives
She’s the world, I know,
tempting, onlooking,
wanting to truly waltz. Writing this sentence w/o line breaks: She's the world, I know, tempting, onlooking, wanting to truly waltz. I'm left wondering how is she tempting and onlooking and what does it mean to the partner to want to truly waltz, especially when a previous line mentions that she likes to krump while the N wants a calm waltz. I get lost in the abstractions and I don't have a concrete image to hold on to yet.
Make dancing delicate again. This is a bit distracting because its phrasing when read aloud does echo certain political slogans, which i'm not sure is intentional. If it is, I'm now wondering what would be the intent.
Cinderelian ball— This may be a better spot to begin the poem but the idea needs further exploring
kissing, telling, and dancing— I'm not completely convinced of "cinderelian" by this line
I lied about the tango, How did the speaker lie? What about the tango did they lie about? That they liked to tango? That they can't tango? That they can?
the delectable, unforgettable touch. Unforgettable how? This question can be answered by describing the intimate subtleties of the tango, and you would only need one detail in one line.
I pursued, persuaded, and
lied about my dance. I think these lines can be cut; if you must replace them, I would give details of the speaker's experience with their pursuing and persuading as opposed to simply stating it.
Then guests knew—quietly. There's intrigue here that is ripe for exploring.
Kissing, whispering, and waltzing.
Still, a bachata The N lists four different dances throughout the poem: bachata, tango, waltz, and krumping. It can be a little disorienting because they all seem vastly different, which is fine. I understand that there's probably a part of the poem that is trying to show this disparity in people who are caught up in an affair. But I think a much better job can be done at illustrating this disparity by condensing the poem. I think the length (which can be attributed to lines that can be omitted) allows an idea of one dance to stew too long in a reader's mind before they are introduced to the next dance style and by then it's jarring in a way that subtracts from the reading experience
wouldn’t spin my world. This is nice phrasing, though I would just make this one line as I'm not seeing the purpose of the enjambment
Stuck between two spinning worlds. This line makes me wonder if the poem is actually from the perspective of an affair partner (ap), which would make the idea of this poem all the more novel, but still leaves a lot to be explored
As for the restless confession— The confession that the ap lied about the tango? Which confession? Why is the confession restless? How is it left on a floor? What would that look like? I'm sorry for the fusillade of questions, but I think it's important to at least answer some of these in the verse.
I’ll leave it on the cold floor. I feel like you have an ending here. The next lines can be cut and implied in other lines that the poem will keep
Alone, 
I’ll never know
what it’s like
to truly dance.

I hope I didn't overload my critique with questions. Or if I did, I hope they are digestible in a way that allows you to see the poem you want to write.

[ilovewomenandbeer]

Hey, I really appreciate you taking the time to go line-by-line like this. That helped a lot more than general feedback.

I think you’re right about the compression—looking back, I was trying to stack different dances to show mismatch and instability, but I let each one sit too long instead of letting them interact more tightly. That probably made the shifts feel more jarring than intentional.

A lot of your questions about the tango/confession are fair too. I was leaning into ambiguity, but I can see where it becomes more unclear than suggestive. I’ll probably go back and replace some of those statements with more concrete detail so the reader has something to hold onto.

The note about “make dancing delicate again” is helpful—I didn’t intend that echo, so I’ll either rework or cut it.

I do like your point about the intrigue in “Then guests knew—quietly.” That’s something I might expand instead of some of the more abstract lines.

Honestly, your critique also made me step back and look at my other poems—I can see I tend to compress ideas quickly and rely on abstraction where I could be giving more grounded detail. So this was helpful beyond just this piece.

Overall this gives me a clearer direction—less explanation, more specific moments, and tighter structure. I really appreciate the depth of your feedback, thank you.