Silver Lining

[wizzpower]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways

:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting


I tired improving it. hopefully its better

Silver Lining

yesterday was a sunny day

the sky was void of clouds
sunbeams flooding the nearby fields
but i was going home anyways

today was a cloudy day

cool crisp air like a blanket
the world was tinted grey
but i was staying inside anyways

tonight is a rainy night

dripping clouds dissolve
unveiling the sparkling stars

tucked in my sheets
tossing and turning

but i was sleeping anyways

[Magpie]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways


:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

Hi wizz, welcome to the Pigpen this is a nice enough little ditty here with some nice rhymes.
Some might say that the title is a cliche especially when the poem mentions clouds.
If I were to be really pedantic I would ask how you knew it was cloudy when you were asleep, but it's no big deal.
Could you use 'today is a cloudy day' as a refrain and then change it to 'today was a cloudy day' at the end?

Just a couple of thoughts.

Cheers for posting

[wizzpower]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways


:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

Hi wizz, welcome to the Pigpen this is a nice enough little ditty here with some nice rhymes.
Some might say that the title is a cliche especially when the poem mentions clouds.
If I were to be really pedantic I would ask how you knew it was cloudy when you were asleep, but it's no big deal.
Could you use 'today is a cloudy day' as a refrain and then change it to 'today was a cloudy day' at the end?

Just a couple of thoughts.

Cheers for posting

im not tryna argue or anything but just share my thought process and reasoning behind what i do

the title is suppoused to subvert things because the silver lining here (usually positive) is (at least suppoused to be) dismissive and not actually postive
from my writing perspective it does seem abit forced sometimes when i try to apply devices or do things like this (subverting) , especially if it doesnt come natural
i think i tried to not make it cliche ig ? but now i can see how the dismissive and somewhat pessimistic view isnt the most obvious lol

I feel like adding "today was a cloudy day" end would sort of give it closure and circular kinda thing ( as a lit student that has a unseen poetry test tmr its pretty concerning i dont know how to express this properly lol) which might ruin the "ugh" feel that im tryna go for. maybe it sort of allows the" it was a cloudy day" to dwell for too long and not show how it is dismissed quickly.  I was tryna make it feel like a fleeting thought that shows unmotivation and abit of pessimism

I do see how adding that extra line makes it sound better and more musical i think? but im not sure if it impacts the effect im trying to go for

Thx for commenting btw. new perspectives are always great

[wasellajam]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways


:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

Hi, wiz, I haven't read the previous comments, some notes:

I don't think you need the first line when both strophes are cloudy.
All I can get from this is that it's a blessing not having to go out when it's cloudy, not even storming, but cloudy. There may be a metaphor in there but I can't find it. Hopefully someone else will be more helpful. Good luck with it, welcome to the Pen and thanks for posting.

[Magpie]

Yeah I was wanting the title to be ironic, it was the only way to go with it.

Don't worry about explaining your thought process it can only help with further critique of a poem so it's not a problem.

I will say that I think that the 'but i ... anyways' lines are disarming. To me they give the impression of someone who is quite happy to be inside because that's what they were doing 'anyways'... it's the 'but' and the 'anyways' that seem to give that impression, perhaps if it were worded slightly differently it may convey it better. 

Also the melody and rhythm of the first few lines may lull the reader into a nicer interpretation than what you had wanted.

Thanks

[milo]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

now, I am unreasonably concerned about our water quality.  Ella!!! - when was the last time the water was tested?

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways


:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

So, it is a simple little thing which isn't bad in and of itself.  The "but" and the "anyways" suggest a turn from the expected but the expected is delivered so they just seem poorly placed.  The transition between S1 and 2 is abrupt and inexplicably so.  I thought you forgot the time of day for a minute!  

I think the most interesting part is the end where you state "but I was sleeping anyway".  It might be interesting to wrap a poem around just that metaphor.

Thanks for posting, welcome to the Pen!

[wizzpower]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

now, I am unreasonably concerned about our water quality.  Ella!!! - when was the last time the water was tested?

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways


:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

So, it is a simple little thing which isn't bad in and of itself.  The "but" and the "anyways" suggest a turn from the expected but the expected is delivered so they just seem poorly placed.  The transition between S1 and 2 is abrupt and inexplicably so.  I thought you forgot the time of day for a minute!  

I think the most interesting part is the end where you state "but I was sleeping anyway".  It might be interesting to wrap a poem around just that metaphor.

Thanks for posting, welcome to the Pen!

thanks for the suggestions and explanation
i really couldve been more succint with my word choices esp since i was trying to do a simple and short one (if you read my other comments youd see why i put the" but"
didnt work out thought)
and i probably shoulve transition better between 2nd and 3rd stanza yeah
it feels hard to be subtle from a writers perspective, i think its because i already have the tone and idea in my head without establishing it properly in the poem and i might just put things too ambigious that only make sense from my specific viewpoint only

i have some idea of improvements, thanks.

---

Yeah I was wanting the title to be ironic, it was the only way to go with it.

Don't worry about explaining your thought process it can only help with further critique of a poem so it's not a problem.

I will say that I think that the 'but i ... anyways' lines are disarming. To me they give the impression of someone who is quite happy to be inside because that's what they were doing 'anyways'... it's the 'but' and the 'anyways' that seem to give that impression, perhaps if it were worded slightly differently it may convey it better. 

Also the melody and rhythm of the first few lines may lull the reader into a nicer interpretation than what you had wanted.

Thanks

yeah i agree that its not be as obvious as i want it to be
i really like that you guys can point out specific things about the poem that makes it worse
way better whatever chatgpt has been saying

thanks

---

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways


:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

Hi, wiz, I haven't read the previous comments, some notes:

I don't think you need the first line when both strophes are cloudy.
All I can get from this is that it's a blessing not having to go out when it's cloudy, not even storming, but cloudy. There may be a metaphor in there but I can't find it. Hopefully someone else will be more helpful. Good luck with it, welcome to the Pen and thanks for posting.

there was suppoused to be some irony in there but terrible executed (it wasnt suppoused to be a blessing but the speaker just not doing anything with it)
i think i have explained enough in other comments for you to understand if you decided to read
that it's a blessing not having to go out when it's cloudy, not even storming, but cloudy.--> this was really helpful perspective even if others did say it already

thanks

[wasellajam]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways

:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting


I tired improving it. hopefully its better

Silver Lining

yesterday was a sunny day

the sky was void of clouds
sunbeams flooding the nearby fields
but i was going home anyways

today was a cloudy day

cool crisp air like a blanket
the world was tinted grey
but i was staying inside anyways

tonight is a rainy night

dripping clouds dissolve
unveiling the sparkling stars

tucked in my sheets
tossing and turning

but i was sleeping anyways

Now I'm getting a clear feeling of "The world goes on without me, do I matter?"
The language is lovely, "dripping clouds dissolve"

Also, it's okay to bump a thread to announce a new edit if you are looking for addition crit.

[wizzpower]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways

:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting


I tired improving it. hopefully its better

Silver Lining

yesterday was a sunny day

the sky was void of clouds
sunbeams flooding the nearby fields
but i was going home anyways

today was a cloudy day

cool crisp air like a blanket
the world was tinted grey
but i was staying inside anyways

tonight is a rainy night

dripping clouds dissolve
unveiling the sparkling stars

tucked in my sheets
tossing and turning

but i was sleeping anyways

Now I'm getting a clear feeling of "The world goes on without me, do I matter?"
The language is lovely, "dripping clouds dissolve"

Also, it's okay to bump a thread to announce a new edit if you are looking for addition crit.

thanks for the comments

how do i bump a thread? in other platforms i often just reply to the message 
i dont create a new thread and link this old one or something right?

[wasellajam]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways

:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting


I tired improving it. hopefully its better

Silver Lining

yesterday was a sunny day

the sky was void of clouds
sunbeams flooding the nearby fields
but i was going home anyways

today was a cloudy day

cool crisp air like a blanket
the world was tinted grey
but i was staying inside anyways

tonight is a rainy night

dripping clouds dissolve
unveiling the sparkling stars

tucked in my sheets
tossing and turning

but i was sleeping anyways

Now I'm getting a clear feeling of "The world goes on without me, do I matter?"
The language is lovely, "dripping clouds dissolve"

Also, it's okay to bump a thread to announce a new edit if you are looking for addition crit.

thanks for the comments

how do i bump a thread? in other platforms i often just reply to the message 
i dont create a new thread and link this old one or something right?

You did put your edit where we prefer it, in the OP, just it's best on top of the old one so it's the first thing readers see. Then you can just do a new reply on this thread saying you've put an edit up and welcome further feedback, that will put this thread on top of the main page list.

[wizzpower]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways

:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting


I tired improving it. hopefully its better

Silver Lining

yesterday was a sunny day

the sky was void of clouds
sunbeams flooding the nearby fields
but i was going home anyways

today was a cloudy day

cool crisp air like a blanket
the world was tinted grey
but i was staying inside anyways

tonight is a rainy night

dripping clouds dissolve
unveiling the sparkling stars

tucked in my sheets
tossing and turning

"but i was sleeping anyways"

Now I'm getting a clear feeling of "The world goes on without me, do I matter?"
The language is lovely, "dripping clouds dissolve"

Also, it's okay to bump a thread to announce a new edit if you are looking for addition crit.

Also idk why i didnt say this earlier but although it is nice that my poem has improved, do i matter wasnt really the effect i was going for. It was rather that being unable to find joy in the world through the weather despite how beautiful or comforting it is, and the speaker is just dismissing engaging amd finding that joy quickly. I had the idea of putting the quotations on the last line already but im not sure if it was too direct. I thought the repitition was enough but apparantly not. Do you think there are other ways to make this clearer and what makes the "do i matter" stand out more than my intended outcome? Though on the other hand i like the openess of it too...

[wasellajam]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways

:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

I tired improving it. hopefully its better

Silver Lining

yesterday was a sunny day

the sky was void of clouds
sunbeams flooding the nearby fields A beautiful scene
but i was going home anyways This implies that the N is just going about his business, not staying out longer to enjoy the sunny day.

today was a cloudy day

cool crisp air like a blanket
the world was tinted grey
but i was staying inside anyways Again a beautiful scene but the N is not going out to enjoy it.

tonight is a rainy night

dripping clouds dissolve
unveiling the sparkling stars Even though it's raining there's beauty out there.

tucked in my sheets Tucked implies comfort
tossing and turning.  But the N is not comfortable

"but i was sleeping anyways" The N doesn't care, shrugging it all off.

Now I'm getting a clear feeling of "The world goes on without me, do I matter?"
The language is lovely, "dripping clouds dissolve"

Also, it's okay to bump a thread to announce a new edit if you are looking for addition crit.

Also idk why i didnt say this earlier but although it is nice that my poem has improved, do i matter wasnt really the effect i was going for. It was rather that being unable to find joy in the world through the weather despite how beautiful or comforting it is, and the speaker is just dismissing engaging amd finding that joy quickly. I had the idea of putting the quotations on the last line already but im not sure if it was too direct. I thought the repitition was enough but apparantly not. Do you think there are other ways to make this clearer and what makes the "do i matter" stand out more than my intended outcome? Though on the other hand i like the openess of it too...

So I've walked you through my read, not every reader gets the same thing out of a poem, my interpretation is my own.

was rather that being unable to find joy in the world through the weather despite how beautiful or comforting it is, and the speaker is just dismissing engaging and finding that joy quickly.

I'm not getting the joy, it reads as resignation for me, the N sees all the beauty but isn't part of it. I'll think about how you might get joy into it but really it's for you to figure how to express the narrator's joy, it's not an easy thing to pull off. I hope this answers your questions, keep at it.

[wizzpower]

Now I'm getting a clear feeling of "The world goes on without me, do I matter?"
The language is lovely, "dripping clouds dissolve"

Also, it's okay to bump a thread to announce a new edit if you are looking for addition crit.

Also idk why i didnt say this earlier but although it is nice that my poem has improved, do i matter wasnt really the effect i was going for. It was rather that being unable to find joy in the world through the weather despite how beautiful or comforting it is, and the speaker is just dismissing engaging amd finding that joy quickly. I had the idea of putting the quotations on the last line already but im not sure if it was too direct. I thought the repitition was enough but apparantly not. Do you think there are other ways to make this clearer and what makes the "do i matter" stand out more than my intended outcome? Though on the other hand i like the openess of it too...

So I've walked you through my read, not every reader gets the same thing out of a poem, my interpretation is my own.

was rather that being unable to find joy in the world through the weather despite how beautiful or comforting it is, and the speaker is just dismissing engaging and finding that joy quickly.

I'm not getting the joy, it reads as resignation for me, the N sees all the beauty but isn't part of it. I'll think about how you might get joy into it but really it's for you to figure how to express the narrator's joy, it's not an easy thing to pull off. I hope this answers your questions, keep at it.

I meant dismissing finding the joy in that sentence. my bad if it was unclear

[wasellajam]

I meant dismissing finding the joy in that sentence. my bad if it was unclear

So in the end is there a big difference between what I read and what you meant?

[wizzpower]

I meant dismissing finding the joy in that sentence. my bad if it was unclear

So in the end is there a big difference between what I read and what you meant?

Not really tbh. Is this the question i should be asking myself if im confused if my lines are too weak to express what i mean or it allows room for interpretation? because i sometimes face this problem sometimes and might ruin the subtley of something or make it too unclear

[wasellajam]

I meant dismissing finding the joy in that sentence. my bad if it was unclear

So in the end is there a big difference between what I read and what you meant?

Not really tbh. Is this the question i should be asking myself if im confused if my lines are too weak to express what i mean or it allows room for interpretation? because i sometimes face this problem sometimes and might ruin the subtley of something or make it too unclear

We all struggle with that, I certainly do. That's the great benefit of workshopping, getting all the different views. And it's the fascinating thing about poetry. Where is that line? The sweet spot is when the poem gives just enough to evoke the intended (or not) response in the reader. It's not unusual for a reader to get something from a poem that the writer didn't even see there, every reader brings their own experiences with them. Personally, I'm just happy when it's something they are glad they read.

[wizzpower]

So in the end is there a big difference between what I read and what you meant?

Not really tbh. Is this the question i should be asking myself if im confused if my lines are too weak to express what i mean or it allows room for interpretation? because i sometimes face this problem sometimes and might ruin the subtley of something or make it too unclear

We all struggle with that, I certainly do. That's the great benefit of workshopping, getting lal the different views. And it's the fascinating thing about poetry. Where is that line? The sweet spot is when the poem gives just enough to evoke the intended (or not) response in the reader. It's not unusual for a reader to get something from a poem that the writer didn't even see there, every reader brings their own experiences with them. Personally, I'm just happy when it's something they are glad they read.

Yeah thats fair. Balancing everything in language is what poetry is about. I think as long as i can make someone feel something while reading my poem thats nice. Thanks for all the help