a clearing

[Mark A Becker]

a clearing

lost off-trail, a dense tangle
of brambles confuse my path
along an icy creek

white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears
to vanish like vapor

crows issue terse commands
from an ancient oak that stands
sentinel among the pines

nothing I notice
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in

I followi the creek
around the bend until
I reach a clearing

raise a finger to test
the wind, take a long
slow breath

ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field

a clearing

lost off-trail, in thickets
of brambles
along an icy creek

white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears
to vanish like vapor

crows caw commands
from a tall oak that stands
sentinel among the pines

nothing I notice
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in

following the creek
around the bend until
I reach a clearing

raise a finger
the wind, take a long
slow breath

ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field

[milo]

a clearing

lost off-trail, in thickets
of brambles
along an icy creek

white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears
to vanish like vapor

crows caw commands
from a tall oak that stands
sentinel among the pines

nothing I notice
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in

following the creek
around the bend until
I reach a clearing

raise a finger
to the wind, take a long
slow breath

ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field

I have only read it a couple times but I can't help but notice in the first half there are several places where you choose a good phrase and then don't seem to trust it so you adorn it.  For example:

"thickets of brambles"  - brambles is probably fine
" crows caw commands" - everyone knows crows caw, "crows command" is so much stronger without
"tall oak that stands sentinel" - would anyone think an oak standing sentinel was small?  Stronger without "tall"

Anyway, enjoying the read, will read it a few more times and return if anything calls out

Thanks

[Mark A Becker]

I have only read it a couple times but I can't help but notice in the first half there are several places where you choose a good phrase and then don't seem to trust it so you adorn it.  For example:

"thickets of brambles"  - brambles is probably fine
" crows caw commands" - everyone knows crows caw, "crows command" is so much stronger without
"tall oak that stands sentinel" - would anyone think an oak standing sentinel was small?  Stronger without "tall"

Anyway, enjoying the read, will read it a few more times and return if anything calls out

Thanks

Good eyes milo- I appreciate that you point out the unnecessary areas of emphasis, and will address those.
Thanks,
Mark