coincidence

[Roggen]

Distant connection,
Illusory closeness.

Against my will, 
I grow numb. 

Hints flickering slight-
of an infolding road.

Keeping my feelings away,
While our dim eyes won’t meet.    

Despite it —

You look more than jolly.
It still makes me feel sick, 
And yet content.

Some meaningless words, 
I can’t control this moment.

The loss passing through me.

You’re gone. 

I move. 

[milo]

Distant connection,
Illusory closeness.

Against my will, 
I grow numb. 

Hints flickering slight-
of an infolding road.

Keeping my feelings away,
While our dim eyes won’t meet.    

Despite it —

You look more than jolly.
It still makes me feel sick, 
And yet content.

Some meaningless words, 
I can’t control this moment.

The loss passing through me.

You’re gone. 

I move. 

So, I don't think I understand the need for the short lines with frequent breaks here.  A line should in most cases, represent a thought.  Much of it is rather abstract with not really a lot of imagery or metaphor.  It is fine enough for what it is.  Could you think of a way to speak to this metaphorically or using figurative language?  I think that would be nice.  This feels a little expository.

Thanks

[whisperer]

So here's where poetry gets subjective. Personally, I love the line breaks and the heavy imagery. It alludes to a deeper and heavier emotion. I particularly appreciate the single word and finalization of the last line/word. It gives closure to the piece, but maybe not to the emotion. Moving away can also refer to carrying this with yourself. I think it is well done. It's vague enough to allow the reader to fill in the blanks with our own imagination, yet it tells enough of a story to guide us along. Well done. Thank you for sharing.

[David_Kaine]

Distant connection,
Illusory closeness.

Against my will, 
I grow numb. 

Hints flickering slight-
of an infolding road.

Keeping my feelings away,
While our dim eyes won’t meet.    

Despite it —

You look more than jolly.
It still makes me feel sick, 
And yet content.

Some meaningless words, 
I can’t control this moment.

The loss passing through me.

You’re gone. 

I move. 

I can tell theres a desire to express yourself through poetry, but I feel like youre holding back.  Too many vague flashes of feeling. I think you could fill in all those spacings between lines with details, where were they jolly, how were you sick, describe the moment how its out of control, what makes the words meaningless.  I think you have a lot of opportunity here for a stronger poem but that could just be me.  Good luck!

[josie_loves_poems]

Distant connection,
Illusory closeness.

Against my will, 
I grow numb. 

Hints flickering slight-
of an infolding road.

Keeping my feelings away,
While our dim eyes won’t meet.    

Despite it —

You look more than jolly.
It still makes me feel sick, 
And yet content.

Some meaningless words, 
I can’t control this moment.

The loss passing through me.

You’re gone. 

I move. 

while i understand the idea, i feel like the contradictory lines throw off the main message of the piece. i feel like the mood you're trying to display with this work is conflicted but resigned, but having too many conflicting lines feels disjointed and like you're trying to force these battling emotions into the reader's mind. also, i know you mentioned in a previous response that you like the frequent line breaks but i think arranging them into a more organized/pattern structure would guide the reader better! as with any critique, take this with a grain of salt! great poem!

[N.A.]

Distant connection,
Illusory closeness.

Against my will, 
I grow numb. 

Hints flickering slight-
of an infolding road.

Keeping my feelings away,
While our dim eyes won’t meet.    

Despite it —

You look more than jolly.
It still makes me feel sick, 
And yet content.

Some meaningless words, 
I can’t control this moment.

The loss passing through me.

You’re gone. 

I move. 

Despite the other feedback I read, I quite like the contradicting emotions of this poem. I think it adds emotional complexity which is great. I do think if you focus your imagery on one specific moment it might make the poem easier to understand and picture. For example if you connect the "hints flickering sight... infolding road" and "dim eyes won't meet" by describing the whole moment of seeing them again, it'll really hit. Good job!!

[matsunosuperfan]

Distant connection,
Illusory closeness.

Against my will, 
I grow numb. 

Hints flickering slight-
of an infolding road.

Keeping my feelings away,
While our dim eyes won’t meet.    

Despite it —

You look more than jolly.
It still makes me feel sick, 
And yet content.

Some meaningless words, 
I can’t control this moment.

The loss passing through me.

You’re gone. 

I move. 

I can get down with the sentiment. The execution at present leaves much to be desired, I think. Someone said "expository" - co-sign hard. The poem is at present mostly just "telling it like it is," which is to say, it's fairly flat and directly editorial. The speaker seems to mostly explain how they feel in no uncertain terms. The instinct that poetry should complicate or reconfigure lived experience is present, but manifests as scattered vagueness, as if to compensate for too much "telling" by counterbalancing with flashes of obscure allusion. This strikes me as a common impulse and one to be closely watched. 

My suggestion, speaking with my usual unearned conviction: rethink the project with regard to syntax. Much of the way sentences are forming and utterances are emerging here feels familiar to me - the dreaded "I wrote the poem this way because something in my mind has learned this is what poems should sound like." The unattached absolute phrases - "hints flickering," "keeping my feelings away," "The loss passing through me." These structures give the piece an airy quality, and combined with a lot of abstract nouns (will, feelings, control, loss) the effect for me is that I badly want more concreteness to latch onto. 

I can't name the occasion, and the subject feels overfamiliar - these are the foundational concerns I would move to address first. 

Tonally, we seem to be dangerously close to the hinterland of "emo." I run into this problem a lot myself when I turn to similar subjects, so I empathize.

I think this poem is gesturing to a lot of significance that right now, only the speaker and the presumptive addressee really have access to. The reader is left on the outside looking in, understanding that something significant has happened, but mostly disoriented as to what that is and what to make of it. Give us more of that interiority of feeling, preferably by way of particular image and tangible figuration, and we'll have an easier time climbing on board and going along for the ride.