Dust (Edit)

[Roggen]

Ten decades of occasions,
at the same blunt edge.
 
I tip forward–
My breath thins, and hands freeze.
Your Face, Mirrored in the rivers black
early enough to practice the break.
 
Maybe a hundred times more,
And I go blind–
 
Every step is calculated.
It’s the evening that decides–
While I slipe of the edge.






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------///

Ten decades of occasions at the same dull edge,

One hundred times more and I swear.

I lean forward.

I hold on.

I resist.

I let go.

Every step is routine.

the evening decides —
It settles like dust,

all over.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------///


One hundred times at the same edge 
One hundred times more and I swear
I lean forward 
I hold on 
I resist 
I let go
Every step is routine 
The evening decides 
Like dust 
It’s all over 




—-




This is the first poem I ever wrote, and it’s quite personal, so please be harsh. Changed it a few times, still not happy.

[whisperer]

I can appreciate your message here and the short punchy lines give to the severity of it. I'm not entirely sure about the last 3 lines, though. Is it the evening that decides that its all over? or does the evening decide that it's like dust? Play with some punctuation too. It can definitely add to the emotion. Who knows, in playing with this central idea, you might expand this and there's no telling where you'll end up. I don't think we're ever truly happy with anything we ever create. Any creation is an extension of ourselves and we are always our own worst critic. the point is that you're reaching out to others to look at your creation from a different point of view and asking for feedback. That is a major milestone that takes a ton of courage. So good on you for that. Keep writing. Keep exploring different ways and devices of expressing yourself creatively. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to seeing more work from you.

[busker]

It's a good start. You've certainly got something going in the first two lines.
One of the things to watch out for is consistency of metaphor: 'like dust / it's all over' doesn't actually work, because 'dust' itself cannot be 'over'. If your point was that 'the evening is like dust. It is all over', it would make literal sense (the phrasing would need to be more elegant), but that's not what you're saying.

Placing the implied punctuation marks elsewhere, 'The evening decides it's dust' would be fine too, but not 'the evening decides LIKE dust', which doesn't make sense.

[Roggen]

1766652869[/url]']
It's a good start. You've certainly got something going in the first two lines.
One of the things to watch out for is consistency of metaphor: 'like dust / it's all over' doesn't actually work, because 'dust' itself cannot be 'over'. If your point was that 'the evening is like dust. It is all over', it would make literal sense (the phrasing would need to be more elegant), but that's not what you're saying.

Placing the implied punctuation marks elsewhere, 'The evening decides it's dust' would be fine too, but not 'the evening decides LIKE dust', which doesn't make sense.

Thanks for your comment, the thing with dust makes sense.
I also changed some other things in this version like punctuation. Also the first line because I think it has a heavier sound 

Ten decades of occasions at the same dull edge,

One hundred times more and I swear.

I lean forward.

I hold on.

I resist.

I let go.

Every step is routine.

the evening decides —
It settles like dust,

all over.

[busker]

1766652869[/url]']
It's a good start. You've certainly got something going in the first two lines.
One of the things to watch out for is consistency of metaphor: 'like dust / it's all over' doesn't actually work, because 'dust' itself cannot be 'over'. If your point was that 'the evening is like dust. It is all over', it would make literal sense (the phrasing would need to be more elegant), but that's not what you're saying.

Placing the implied punctuation marks elsewhere, 'The evening decides it's dust' would be fine too, but not 'the evening decides LIKE dust', which doesn't make sense.

Thanks for your comment, the thing with dust makes sense.
I also changed some other things in this version like punctuation. Also the first line because I think it has a heavier sound 

Ten decades of occasions at the same dull edge,

One hundred times more and I swear.

I lean forward.

I hold on.

I resist.

I let go.

Every step is routine.

the evening decides —
It settles like dust,

all over.

To post edits, do it in the original post.
Push the original piece to the bottom and post your edit on top
That’s the practice here - it helps keep track of changes for the reader

[milo]

Hello

Ten decades of occasions at the same dull edge,

It is an intriguing start and on the initial read I assumed it would be explained later in the poem but it never was.  Is this possibly and event or a common allusion which I am unaware of?  I don't know, I wracked my brain but I couldn't come up with the answer so I checked with my friend Chattel GraepTorian and he say

" The phrase ten decades exaggerates time—far more than a human life. This signals subjective time, not literal time: the feeling that something has gone on forever.
The same dull edge suggests a place of constant tension or risk, but drained of excitement—standing at a precipice that no longer scares you."


Ok, fair enough.  As a human reader, I think I would prefer something a little more specific and concrete.  Abstract concepts are fine but can be stronger or more effective if they are tied to concrete examples from the real world.

One hundred times more and I swear.

I lean forward.

I hold on.

I resist.

I let go.

Every step is routine.

So here we have the body of the poem.  It seems to refer to some specific task but one again, I feel like an outsider looking in .  What could this task be?  Is it another example of using the concept rather than the specific?  It is tough to reconcile.  Metaphorically, our narrator could be exerting effort toward a pursuit (leaning forward), enduring a pursuit (holding on), rejecting a pursuit( I resist) and then giving up (I let go).  

Were I to apply this to a passion project found within the human condition, I would say I have experienced these steps in pursuits, perhaps like poetry, where I lean in at the beginning, work through the challenges, resist, perhaps my own development and then finally give up.

This unfortunately does not reconcile at all with the penultimate line of the section "Every step is routine" so, once again I am a little lost.  Let's see what the brilliant mind of AI says-

This is the poem’s core. These are contradictory actions, placed side by side without explanation. The speaker cycles through opposing impulses—engagement and withdrawal, effort and surrender. The simplicity of the sentences mirrors how automatic these motions have become.
Notice the rhythm: short, blunt lines. No flourish. Almost mechanical. This suggests habit rather than choice.


Well, the AI seems to really understand this poem.

the evening decides —
It settles like dust,

all over.

I like the idea of the evening deciding and the evening settles like dust reminds me of a very famous passage, perhaps one it was meant to allude to from Eliot:

"Let's go then, you and I
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon the table"

Unfortunately, I have difficulty reconciling this inevitability with the previous section.  As a human and sometimes poetry reader, I might suggest examining the consistency of your central metaphor and considering the intent of each individual line and whether is properly and clearly points to your metaphor.  Still, what is a puny human brain good for when we have the modern wonders of silicon-think:

"Evening traditionally symbolizes closure, decline, or the end of a cycle. The key word is decides: not the speaker, not fate—time itself makes the choice.
Dust is crucial here. Dust doesn’t arrive dramatically. It accumulates silently, evenly, inevitably. It covers everything without discrimination. This suggests a final emotional state of numbness or quiet suffocation, rather than despair or hope."

Oh, well, there you have it then

Thanks for posting
"Let us go then, you and I, / When the evening is spread out against the sky / Like a patient etherized upon a table".

"Let us go then, you and I, / When the evening is spread out against the sky / Like a patient etherized upon a table".

————————————————————////


One hundred times at the same edge 
One hundred times more and I swear
I lean forward 
I hold on 
I resist 
I let go
Every step is routine 
The evening decides 
Like dust 
It’s all over 




—-




This is the first poem I ever wrote, and it’s quite personal, so please be harsh. Changed it a few times, still not happy.
[/quote]

[Roggen]

Hello

[quote="Roggen" pid='276319' dateline='1766447264']
Ten decades of occasions at the same dull edge,

It is an intriguing start and on the initial read I assumed it would be explained later in the poem but it never was.  Is this possibly and event or a common allusion which I am unaware of?  I don't know, I wracked my brain but I couldn't come up with the answer so I checked with my friend Chattel GraepTorian and he say

" The phrase ten decades exaggerates time—far more than a human life. This signals subjective time, not literal time: the feeling that something has gone on forever.
The same dull edge suggests a place of constant tension or risk, but drained of excitement—standing at a precipice that no longer scares you."


Ok, fair enough.  As a human reader, I think I would prefer something a little more specific and concrete.  Abstract concepts are fine but can be stronger or more effective if they are tied to concrete examples from the real world.

[quote]

I think the reference is very specific to people who grew up in similar circumstances. But I understand your point.

Perhaps it's growing up in a small town in East Germany that's foreign to you. The constant feeling of being trapped in the same places with the same memories, which makes you numb.
I chose it because it's something very personal. Here, months sometimes feel like years and years like decades.


So here we have the body of the poem.  It seems to refer to some specific task but one again, I feel like an outsider looking in .  What could this task be?  Is it another example of using the concept rather than the specific?  It is tough to reconcile.  Metaphorically, our narrator could be exerting effort toward a pursuit (leaning forward), enduring a pursuit (holding on), rejecting a pursuit( I resist) and then giving up (I let go).  

Were I to apply this to a passion project found within the human condition, I would say I have experienced these steps in pursuits, perhaps like poetry, where I lean in at the beginning, work through the challenges, resist, perhaps my own development and then finally give up.

This unfortunately does not reconcile at all with the penultimate line of the section "Every step is routine" so, once again I am a little lost.  Let's see what the brilliant mind of AI says-

This is the poem’s core. These are contradictory actions, placed side by side without explanation. The speaker cycles through opposing impulses—engagement and withdrawal, effort and surrender. The simplicity of the sentences mirrors how automatic these motions have become.
Notice the rhythm: short, blunt lines. No flourish. Almost mechanical. This suggests habit rather than choice.


Well, the AI seems to really understand this poem.

Your comment from here on feels like an attack suggesting that either the poem was written by AI or that I am not human enough to convey feelings. But again, I understand your criticism. The list is quite vaguely worded, which was my intention at first, but for an outsider who is neither in the situation nor has any experience with it, this may seem strange and uncreative.


I'm curious to see what you think of the revised version.

[milo]

1767062482[/url]']
[quote="milo" pid='276347' dateline='1766672712']
Hello

[quote="Roggen" pid='276319' dateline='1766447264']
Ten decades of occasions at the same dull edge,

It is an intriguing start and on the initial read I assumed it would be explained later in the poem but it never was.  Is this possibly and event or a common allusion which I am unaware of?  I don't know, I wracked my brain but I couldn't come up with the answer so I checked with my friend Chattel GraepTorian and he say

" The phrase ten decades exaggerates time—far more than a human life. This signals subjective time, not literal time: the feeling that something has gone on forever.
The same dull edge suggests a place of constant tension or risk, but drained of excitement—standing at a precipice that no longer scares you."


Ok, fair enough.  As a human reader, I think I would prefer something a little more specific and concrete.  Abstract concepts are fine but can be stronger or more effective if they are tied to concrete examples from the real world.

I think the reference is very specific to people who grew up in similar circumstances. But I understand your point.

Perhaps it's growing up in a small town in East Germany that's foreign to you. The constant feeling of being trapped in the same places with the same memories, which makes you numb.
I chose it because it's something very personal. Here, months sometimes feel like years and years like decades.


So here we have the body of the poem.  It seems to refer to some specific task but one again, I feel like an outsider looking in .  What could this task be?  Is it another example of using the concept rather than the specific?  It is tough to reconcile.  Metaphorically, our narrator could be exerting effort toward a pursuit (leaning forward), enduring a pursuit (holding on), rejecting a pursuit( I resist) and then giving up (I let go).  

Were I to apply this to a passion project found within the human condition, I would say I have experienced these steps in pursuits, perhaps like poetry, where I lean in at the beginning, work through the challenges, resist, perhaps my own development and then finally give up.

This unfortunately does not reconcile at all with the penultimate line of the section "Every step is routine" so, once again I am a little lost.  Let's see what the brilliant mind of AI says-

This is the poem’s core. These are contradictory actions, placed side by side without explanation. The speaker cycles through opposing impulses—engagement and withdrawal, effort and surrender. The simplicity of the sentences mirrors how automatic these motions have become.
Notice the rhythm: short, blunt lines. No flourish. Almost mechanical. This suggests habit rather than choice.


Well, the AI seems to really understand this poem.

Your comment from here on feels like an attack suggesting that either the poem was written by AI or that I am not human enough to convey feelings. But again, I understand your criticism. The list is quite vaguely worded, which was my intention at first, but for an outsider who is neither in the situation nor has any experience with it, this may seem strange and uncreative.


I'm curious to see what you think of the revised version.

Hello

Let me apologize if my comment seemed like an attack as that was not my intention. I did not, either intend to insinuate you used AI to write but, rather, referred to AI to contrast the different understandings of the poem.

If you feel the poem communicates what and how you want then you should leave it as is, I can only comment to my own meager ability

[Roggen]

Hello

Let me apologize if my comment seemed like an attack as that was not my intention. I did not, either intend to insinuate you used AI to write but, rather, referred to AI to contrast the different understandings of the poem.

If you feel the poem communicates what and how you want then you should leave it as is, I can only comment to my own meager ability
[/quote]

 Maybe I misinterpreted it, sorry about that. And I'm open to criticism, and your points were more than valid. I just wanted to explain my idea behind it.