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Ichthyol Odyssey
If you wish to pull a rarefish from the sea
don’t cast your line from beaches
the water is too shallow, you’ll disrupt
the bathers lying in pale sand
washed up – too soft for the sea
or wandering along the shore catching
castoff shells passing castles
before entropy pulls them down,
melts them back into the shore.
Oh, I suppose that you could charter
some aging schooner wretch to take you out
Beyond
the sulking wharfs where ships are moored
like rotting teeth
out past reefs reaching up like beldam fingers
out to the murky thunder of the seas
and drop your line
down past where a wan sunlight strains
then deeper still into a trench that’s never
tasted the small seed pearls of oxygen
that get sucked in by undertow.
But that is not the way to catch a rarefish.
No, hear me now, you need to turn
your sights away from coral
colored buildings and travel through the valleys
then past the crowded cities and then
through the valleys once again
and then again until even changing seasons
seem to match the cadence of your footfalls.
And over time and time and time
and you will reach a mountain range that dwarfs
the long horizon. The air grows thin as you climb
and grows so cold that rough crystals form
and scratch along your skin until it stings.
When you have climbed so far that limbs
begin to fail and you are more alone
than a single whisper in a cave
you will find a pool so still and isolated
that your reflected face
is the same face as that pool
and you will find the rarefish.
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(01-01-2026, 06:55 AM)milo Wrote: If you wish to pull a rarefish from the sea
don’t cast your line from beaches
the water is too shallow, you’ll disrupt
the bathers lying in pale sand
washed up – too soft for the sea
or wandering along the shore catching
castoff shells passing castles
before entropy pulls them down,
melts them back into the shore. .... this is a masterful montage
Oh, I suppose that you could charter
some aging schooner wretch to take you out
Beyond
the sulking wharfs where ships are moored .. maybe it's specific to my Antipodean experience, but I'd expect boats, not ships here
like rotting teeth
out past reefs reaching up like beldam fingers
out to the murky thunder of the seas
and drop your line
down past where a wan sunlight strains
then deeper still into a trench that’s never
tasted the small seed pearls of oxygen ... wow
that get sucked in by undertow.
But that is not the way to catch a rarefish.
No, hear me now, you need to turn
your sights away from coral
colored buildings and travel through the valleys
then past the crowded cities and then
through the valleys once again
and then again until even changing seasons
seem to match the cadence of your footfalls.
And over time and time and time
and you will reach a mountain range that dwarfs
the long horizon. The air grows thin as you climb
and grows so cold that rough crystals form
and scratch along your skin until it stings.
When you have climbed so far that limbs
begin to fail and you are more alone
than a single whisper in a cave
you will find a pool so still and isolated
that your reflected face
is the same face as that pool
and you will find the rarefish. ... nice
I can't think of how to improve this piece except the minor niggle about boats vs ships. It is perfect as it is. It's also one of the best things I've ever read.
Posts: 1,371
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(01-03-2026, 02:03 AM)busker Wrote: (01-01-2026, 06:55 AM)milo Wrote: If you wish to pull a rarefish from the sea
don’t cast your line from beaches
the water is too shallow, you’ll disrupt
the bathers lying in pale sand
washed up – too soft for the sea
or wandering along the shore catching
castoff shells passing castles
before entropy pulls them down,
melts them back into the shore. .... this is a masterful montage
Oh, I suppose that you could charter
some aging schooner wretch to take you out
Beyond
the sulking wharfs where ships are moored .. maybe it's specific to my Antipodean experience, but I'd expect boats, not ships here
You are definitely correct here. I don't think boats is good enough either. Ideally, I would like a vessel type that would point to average, mediocre, insignificant, etc. I considered "junks" but I felt it anchored the poem in China which I did not want. Any thoughts on a type of boat?"
Quote:
like rotting teeth
out past reefs reaching up like beldam fingers
out to the murky thunder of the seas
and drop your line
down past where a wan sunlight strains
then deeper still into a trench that’s never
tasted the small seed pearls of oxygen ... wow
that get sucked in by undertow.
But that is not the way to catch a rarefish.
No, hear me now, you need to turn
your sights away from coral
colored buildings and travel through the valleys
then past the crowded cities and then
through the valleys once again
and then again until even changing seasons
seem to match the cadence of your footfalls.
And over time and time and time
and you will reach a mountain range that dwarfs
the long horizon. The air grows thin as you climb
and grows so cold that rough crystals form
and scratch along your skin until it stings.
When you have climbed so far that limbs
begin to fail and you are more alone
than a single whisper in a cave
you will find a pool so still and isolated
that your reflected face
is the same face as that pool
and you will find the rarefish. ... nice
I can't think of how to improve this piece except the minor niggle about boats vs ships. It is perfect as it is. It's also one of the best things I've ever read.
The is very encouraging to hear. It is the first thing I wrote unprompted in over 5 years and I felt rusty, like I was struggling to find the language or the metaphors so it feels ver good that it worked for you 
Thanks for commenting.
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This is indeed really good, I like it a lot.
Every stanza is anchored by a solid lucid scene (entropy melting castles, rotting teeth of ships, pearls of oxygen, seasons matching footfalls), the ending warps back to the beginning in a nice and casual twist, the language is imaginative and retains the particular appeal-styled narrative through the whole text.
(01-03-2026, 02:13 AM)milo Wrote: You are definitely correct here. I don't think boats is good enough either. Ideally, I would like a vessel type that would point to average, mediocre, insignificant, etc. I considered "junks" but I felt it anchored the poem in China which I did not want. Any thoughts on a type of boat?"
It wholly depends on what kind of scenery you were intending it to be. Personally, I don't see any issues with the wording here, because I can show you photos that match it precisely. But if ships weren't your idea, then try something like yacht, schooner, yawl, seine, clipper, or just fishing boat. There's also cutter.
(01-03-2026, 02:13 AM)milo Wrote:
It is the first thing I wrote unprompted in over 5 years and I felt rusty, like I was struggling to find the language or the metaphorsI feel you, the last time I wrote something extempore was in 2023, the penultimate one in 2012. The stability of everyday life feels like the death of inspiration. Reminds me of these song lyrics:
Quote:"Five hundred songs and nothing to say;
The sky is turning into a locked cage.
Same old words on a different paper.
A comical verse for those falling in an elevator."
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(01-04-2026, 02:10 AM)Nachtfrost Wrote: This is indeed really good, I like it a lot.
Every stanza is anchored by a solid lucid scene (entropy melting castles, rotting teeth of ships, pearls of oxygen, seasons matching footfalls), the ending warps back to the beginning in a nice and casual twist, the language is imaginative and retains the particular appeal-styled narrative through the whole text.
(01-03-2026, 02:13 AM)milo Wrote: You are definitely correct here. I don't think boats is good enough either. Ideally, I would like a vessel type that would point to average, mediocre, insignificant, etc. I considered "junks" but I felt it anchored the poem in China which I did not want. Any thoughts on a type of boat?"
It wholly depends on what kind of scenery you were intending it to be. Personally, I don't see any issues with the wording here, because I can show you photos that match it precisely. But if ships weren't your idea, then try something like yacht, schooner, yawl, seine, clipper, or just fishing boat. There's also cutter.
(01-03-2026, 02:13 AM)milo Wrote:
It is the first thing I wrote unprompted in over 5 years and I felt rusty, like I was struggling to find the language or the metaphors I feel you, the last time I wrote something extempore was in 2023, the penultimate one in 2012. The stability of everyday life feels like the death of inspiration. Reminds me of these song lyrics:
Quote:"Five hundred songs and nothing to say;
The sky is turning into a locked cage.
Same old words on a different paper.
A comical verse for those falling in an elevator."
Thank you for reading and commenting on this. I am still considering different boat types. Cutter almost works but the sonics are too crisp for the muddled image I am trying to paint at that spot
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(01-04-2026, 02:33 AM)milo Wrote: Thank you for reading and commenting on this. I am still considering different boat types. Cutter almost works but the sonics are too crisp for the muddled image I am trying to paint at that spot There's also smack, skiff, drifter. Trawler as well, but it sounds too much like professional vocabulary to my ear.
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(01-01-2026, 06:55 AM)milo Wrote: If you wish to pull a rarefish from the sea
don’t cast your line from beaches
the water is too shallow, you’ll disrupt
the bathers lying in pale sand
washed up – too soft for the sea
or wandering along the shore catching
castoff shells passing castles
before entropy pulls them down,
melts them back into the shore. << Echoing previous feedback; this stanza drew me in right away. I also found some of the imagery/metaphor here (and elsewhere) seemed to grow with subsequent reads, which I particularly enjoyed.
Oh, I suppose that you could charter
some aging schooner wretch to take you out
Beyond << I'm not always a fan of lines broken for single words this way. It caught me a bit on the first reading, but I ended up thinking it works perfectly here - I'm converted.
the sulking wharfs where ships are moored
like rotting teeth
out past reefs reaching up like beldam fingers
out to the murky thunder of the seas
and drop your line
down past where a wan sunlight strains
then deeper still into a trench that’s never
tasted the small seed pearls of oxygen << Echoing previous feedback again; this also got a wow from me
that get sucked in by undertow.
But that is not the way to catch a rarefish.
No, hear me now, you need to turn
your sights away from coral
colored buildings and travel through the valleys << I also liked the the choice of "coral colored buildings" to transition from the sea, back in to the land here
then past the crowded cities and then
through the valleys once again
and then again until even changing seasons
seem to match the cadence of your footfalls.
And over time and time and time << I think this is the only spot I'm even a little uncertain with - the exaggerated three repeats of time then dropping back into another and - I feel like "and" should be raised a line or changed so not to repeat in the next; but only if I think (perhaps too much) about it.
and you will reach a mountain range that dwarfs
the long horizon. The air grows thin as you climb << The voice seems to change a little here for me, with "The air grows ..." It works fine as is, but I wandered if another line break might work well. It seems like an important step of the journey is being crossed.
and grows so cold that rough crystals form
and scratch along your skin until it stings.
When you have climbed so far that limbs
begin to fail and you are more alone
than a single whisper in a cave
you will find a pool so still and isolated
that your reflected face
is the same face as that pool
and you will find the rarefish.
Hello
I've read this through a few times today, and will be reading again.
Other than to echo the sentiments above, it's hard to find comment. If you don't change a word, I think you have a great poem. However, that doesn't seem enough to leave as critique, so I've tried to add a few things that came to mind while reading above.
I also noticed "ships" was being questioned. While it didn't seem out of place to me, if you're looking for alternatives, perhaps something like "wrecks" might still have enough of the ship image and play into the rotting teeth - depending on the image you're looking for.
Thanks for sharing. I've enjoyed reading and thinking about this one.
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(01-05-2026, 04:24 AM)gruff Wrote: (01-01-2026, 06:55 AM)milo Wrote: If you wish to pull a rarefish from the sea
don’t cast your line from beaches
the water is too shallow, you’ll disrupt
the bathers lying in pale sand
washed up – too soft for the sea
or wandering along the shore catching
castoff shells passing castles
before entropy pulls them down,
melts them back into the shore. << Echoing previous feedback; this stanza drew me in right away. I also found some of the imagery/metaphor here (and elsewhere) seemed to grow with subsequent reads, which I particularly enjoyed.
Oh, I suppose that you could charter
some aging schooner wretch to take you out
Beyond << I'm not always a fan of lines broken for single words this way. It caught me a bit on the first reading, but I ended up thinking it works perfectly here - I'm converted.
the sulking wharfs where ships are moored
like rotting teeth
out past reefs reaching up like beldam fingers
out to the murky thunder of the seas
and drop your line
down past where a wan sunlight strains
then deeper still into a trench that’s never
tasted the small seed pearls of oxygen << Echoing previous feedback again; this also got a wow from me
that get sucked in by undertow.
But that is not the way to catch a rarefish.
No, hear me now, you need to turn
your sights away from coral
colored buildings and travel through the valleys << I also liked the the choice of "coral colored buildings" to transition from the sea, back in to the land here
then past the crowded cities and then
through the valleys once again
and then again until even changing seasons
seem to match the cadence of your footfalls.
And over time and time and time << I think this is the only spot I'm even a little uncertain with - the exaggerated three repeats of time then dropping back into another and - I feel like "and" should be raised a line or changed so not to repeat in the next; but only if I think (perhaps too much) about it.
and you will reach a mountain range that dwarfs
the long horizon. The air grows thin as you climb << The voice seems to change a little here for me, with "The air grows ..." It works fine as is, but I wandered if another line break might work well. It seems like an important step of the journey is being crossed.
and grows so cold that rough crystals form
and scratch along your skin until it stings.
When you have climbed so far that limbs
begin to fail and you are more alone
than a single whisper in a cave
you will find a pool so still and isolated
that your reflected face
is the same face as that pool
and you will find the rarefish.
Hello
I've read this through a few times today, and will be reading again.
Other than to echo the sentiments above, it's hard to find comment. If you don't change a word, I think you have a great poem. However, that doesn't seem enough to leave as critique, so I've tried to add a few things that came to mind while reading above.
I also noticed "ships" was being questioned. While it didn't seem out of place to me, if you're looking for alternatives, perhaps something like "wrecks" might still have enough of the ship image and play into the rotting teeth - depending on the image you're looking for.
Thanks for sharing. I've enjoyed reading and thinking about this one.
Hello and thank you for commenting
Your internal sense might be working pretty good because the "Beyond" line was brand new, I actually edited it in after reading it on the forum. For me, it felt like it needed it but I am not completely sure either and may change it back.
As for the repeats over time, I have experimented with repetition a bit and I liked it but that doesn't mean it is correct. In its current form I like it but the answer might be to remove the "and" before you on the proceding line. (of course that will introduce a caesura which I am not sure I am fond of)
Thank you for your feedback, it has given me some things to think aoubt
Thanks
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Hi Milo, long time away, but saw your message and wanted to stop by to say thanks.
Quite simply i love this. Completely out of practice with both writing and critique - I have been hibernating what little creativity i once disported and reverted once more to being a darling bud of nervous quivers and a decided lack of substance - spring is coming to this part of world soon - I'm sure if i returned the site, growth and development would follow, because this is the best poetry site for growth.
So this is supposed to be feed back and you have specifically mention the ship alternatives.
I have always liked the word sound and imagery of a coracle - a one man, small and crap vessel carried on the back and launched whenever water is chanced upon; it drifts in circles of indeterminate vagueness, whilst somehow achieving it's desired destination. (Added bonus points from the title - the woven or hide covering is covered in pitch / bitumen). AJ
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(01-05-2026, 05:26 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Hi Milo, long time away, but saw your message and wanted to stop by to say thanks.
Quite simply i love this. Completely out of practice with both writing and critique - I have been hibernating what little creativity i once disported and reverted once more to being a darling bud of nervous quivers and a decided lack of substance - spring is coming to this part of world soon - I'm sure if i returned the site, growth and development would follow, because this is the best poetry site for growth.
Hello!! It is so good to see you again! I certainly sympathize with being out of practice, both on the reading and the writing front. It feels like an old blanket though - maybe not as pretty as the newer blanket and it has a couple holes but the feeling and the smell - it cannot be matched.
Yes, I remember, you don't care for the anxiety of posting on public forums (and I certainly wasn't much help there  ). Still, I also remember a fierceness you had and the site is much more of a safe space now.
Couldn't you at least stay for a couple words and a spot of tea? After all, spring time brings the buds, the new growth. Ether way, it is most appreciated you stopped by.
Quote:So this is supposed to be feed back and you have specifically mention the ship alternatives.
I have always liked the word sound and imagery of a coracle - a one man, small and crap vessel carried on the back and launched whenever water is chanced upon; it drifts in circles of indeterminate vagueness, whilst somehow achieving it's desired destination. (Added bonus points from the title - the woven or hide covering is covered in pitch / bitumen). AJ
Oh, yes, right, still have to pay the bills. I actually like this a lot. Not probably for here due to the image I am going for but there is definitely a poem trapped right here in your description.
Once again, all the best to you!
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Quote:Oh, yes, right, still have to pay the bills. I actually like this a lot. Not probably for here due to the image I am going for but there is definitely a poem trapped right here in your description.
I was thinking on this last night. My mind turned to the return journey - once the "Rarefish" has been acquired. Then what?
What would the freshly emerged ...and presumably healed of all ailments, (now the Ichthyol the mountain pond has done it's work) ... Rarefish do with this vitality?
Do the cares of life drop away at the summit as the face is revealed and yet the descent back home expose one to attacks? I fear the full sailed galleon of discovery and destiny is hardly appropriate to one so enlightened and endowed with inner knowledge. Perhaps a coracle is the vessel of choice to navigate the angular intrusions of worldliness. To allow yourself to drift in unconnected circles of vagueness in fast flowing currents of worldliness, would be the antithesis to the drive of self discovery.
As to your allusion that my tender parts were previously pricked by your rough and rude mannerisms - is there no end to your boasting
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(01-06-2026, 07:44 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Quote:Oh, yes, right, still have to pay the bills. I actually like this a lot. Not probably for here due to the image I am going for but there is definitely a poem trapped right here in your description.
I was thinking on this last night. My mind turned to the return journey - once the "Rarefish" has been acquired. Then what?
What would the freshly emerged ...and presumably healed of all ailments, (now the Ichthyol the mountain pond has done it's work) ... Rarefish do with this vitality?
Do the cares of life drop away at the summit as the face is revealed and yet the descent back home expose one to attacks? I fear the full sailed galleon of discovery and destiny is hardly appropriate to one so enlightened and endowed with inner knowledge. Perhaps a coracle is the vessel of choice to navigate the angular intrusions of worldliness. To allow yourself to drift in unconnected circles of vagueness in fast flowing currents of worldliness, would be the antithesis to the drive of self discovery.
Oh, you've been bit by the bug now - there's no escaping it! Looking forward to the poem
Quote:As to your allusion that my tender parts were previously pricked by your rough and rude mannerisms - is there no end to your boasting
oh dear
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