My first poem

[Yes89]

They say Life is like a rollercoaster,
That's what they all say
The faithful men, the cut-throats through to the meaningless existences
But may it be ever so prevelant, unbearably so

As we arise up the chain lift, slowly and anxiously,
With our slowly depreciating, once keen intent
I looked far into the distance, out of the loop to come
Staring at the unremarkable pedestrians, and the serene imagery in the birds, 
Who freely soar, 
Instead of facing head on, what is genuine and present more,

Once we finally crest with the tip of the perpetual drop,
Every irritant we bear gets lost to the suspense of time,
As our arms arise, our existence has just begun
As for me, I still clutched mine, weighing an uncomfortable tonne
In hopes of some comfort, or some guidance to where i find myself painfully unprepared

As we fall, down what is not infinite, but true
I silently subcome to what I have paved
As the others Scream in pursuit of what they have craved, 
Along with farewells of where they once felt enslaved

Through the relentlessness of the loops, 
The unwanted change of pace contained In turns,
Or the short, but equally distressing Hills,
And through all this I hear the sound of what is to achieve, as I am overbeared by the flash of the camera marking my unremarkable voyage as a moment to remember, where I cope in formation of a nihilistic ritual
Knowing this grudge won't last forever, 

As we all reach the end, a fufflling wave encloses upon our seats, but missing me, in the very back
What reaches me is a different wave, one in contrast to what I envisioned would await on the grueling chain lift ride we all must take

A wave of disappointment fills my despondent figure,
From my toes to where earth meets the voident glade above,
Life is a rollercoaster, 
That's what they all say,
My rid
e was unpleasant, oh unbearably so.

For a first poem written in an hour is this good.

[tweetywrites]

I love the opening! I would say the poem could be strengthened by tightening the language. Phrases like "And through all this" make the poem stray away from your extended metaphor. I think this line "And through all this I hear the sound of what is to achieve, as I am overbeared by the flash of the camera marking my unremarkable voyage as a moment to remember, where I cope in formation of a nihilistic ritual" contains too many ideas. Using line breaks and silence to your advantage more could really elevate this poem ! For the ending, I think instead of just repeating the beginning, you should take it further or transform it to add more depth.

[Yes89]

I love the opening! I would say the poem could be strengthened by tightening the language. Phrases like "And through all this" make the poem stray away from your extended metaphor. I think this line "And through all this I hear the sound of what is to achieve, as I am overbeared by the flash of the camera marking my unremarkable voyage as a moment to remember, where I cope in formation of a nihilistic ritual" contains too many ideas. Using line breaks and silence to your advantage more could really elevate this poem ! For the ending, I think instead of just repeating the beginning, you should take it further or transform it to add more depth.

Thanks so much for replying. This is still sort of a rough cut, there are definitely tweaks to be made. The line your mentioned is something I definitely wanted to change, i may try to split some of the ideas up or remove or shorten them. I originally did have the ending as an extention, but I personally prefered the blunter ending of what I have now. Thanks for your words!

[brynmawr1]

For a first poem written in an hour is this good.
[/quote]

Hi Yes89,

First, welcome to the Pen.  Congratulations on posting  your first poem.  That takes a lot of courage.  It's not easy to put yourself out there.

Once we finally crest with the tip of the perpetual drop,
Every irritant we bear gets lost to the suspense of time,
As our arms arise, our existence has just begun
As for me, I still clutched mine, weighing an uncomfortable tonne
In hopes of some comfort, or some guidance to where i find myself painfully unprepared

We crest, at the tip  see how 'tip' has two meanings here?
where every irritant is lost,
where time suspends
arms rise,
we feel alive.

still, I clutch mine, each weighing
an uncomfortable tonne. I hope
for comfort, or guidance, anything
before the perpetual drop.

To answer your question, no the poem is not good.  Nothing written in an hour will be good, especially a poem of this length.  The best poet you can think of would have spent weeks, if not months working on such a poem agonizing over every word, every punctuation, every line break.  I've spent more than an hour reading the poem and thinking of comments.

There's a lot of potential in what you've written.  I took one stanza and edited it to what I see in what you've written.  I mostly just rearranged your words cutting some, occasionally adding, but sparingly.  I don't mean to suggest that this is the best version, only an improvement and something to consider.

So edit your poem and repost.
I'll read it again and offer my input.
Keep writing,
Bryn

[Yes89]

For a first poem written in an hour is this good.

Hi Yes89,

First, welcome to the Pen.  Congratulations on posting  your first poem.  That takes a lot of courage.  It's not easy to put yourself out there.

Once we finally crest with the tip of the perpetual drop,
Every irritant we bear gets lost to the suspense of time,
As our arms arise, our existence has just begun
As for me, I still clutched mine, weighing an uncomfortable tonne
In hopes of some comfort, or some guidance to where i find myself painfully unprepared

We crest, at the tip  see how 'tip' has two meanings here?
where every irritant is lost,
where time suspends
arms rise,
we feel alive.

still, I clutch mine, each weighing
an uncomfortable tonne. I hope
for comfort, or guidance, anything
before the perpetual drop.

To answer your question, no the poem is not good.  Nothing written in an hour will be good, especially a poem of this length.  The best poet you can think of would have spent weeks, if not months working on such a poem agonizing over every word, every punctuation, every line break.  I've spent more than an hour reading the poem and thinking of comments.

There's a lot of potential in what you've written.  I took one stanza and edited it to what I see in what you've written.  I mostly just rearranged your words cutting some, occasionally adding, but sparingly.  I don't mean to suggest that this is the best version, only an improvement and something to consider.

So edit your poem and repost.
I'll read it again and offer my input.
Keep writing,
Bryn
[/quote]

Thanks so much for your input. Looking back at this after a few days, I definitely see fault in many ideas I have included. I'm just wondering if the core concept itself of an expansion of a cliche line works. I could definitely re make or refine this poem if I would have given myself more time. Thanks for your dedication to read my poem for an hour, and the edits you have made have definitely given me insight on cutting some of my language down to appropriate levels.