Jeffersonian Olympics (CW: Slavery, racism, white supremacy)

[Mostly Holy]

“Jeffersonian Gymnastics”

We hold these truths to be self-evident:
Colored folk just lack our white endowment.
Inferior in body and in mind,
Best housed apart, as Nature has designed.
Tyrant's blood feeds the tree of Liberty;
Slaves bear lashes in Roman dignity.

I proclaim all men to be my equal,
Yet my children are dark, skin like treacle.
They share my blood, but not my soul or name;
I claim their flesh, unmoved by guilt or shame.
I tremble, for God may be stern and just,
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust.

Some say I preach liberty whilst holding chains,
They don't know the dark races have no brains.
Our stern rule is kind, their lives a darkness,
So I sold fellow men in labour's harness.
Freedom spoke through me; The voice of others?
Bought by the silence of my brothers.

In God's book it is writ, "let slaves be freed,"
But let my chattel work, or let them bleed!

---

earlier version:

---

We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That Colored folk lack our white endowment.
Inferior in body and in mind,
Best housed apart, as Nature has assigned.
Liberty's tree is washed in tyrants’ blood,
While slaves bear lashes, as before the Flood.

Though I proclaim all men to be my equal,
Yet my own children are dark, skin like treacle.
I tremble, for God may be stern and just,
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust.
They share my blood, but not my soul nor name;
I claim their flesh, unmoved by guilt or shame.

Some say I preach liberty whilst holding chains,
But they just lack my noble white man’s brains.
They say my words were light, my deeds were darkness,
That I sold fellow men in labour's harness.
Freedom spoke through me; The voice of others?
Bought by the silence of my brothers.

In Fate's book it is writ, "men must be freed"
But let my chattel work, or let them bleed.

---

earlier version

---

We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That Colored folk lack our white endowment.
Inferior in body and in mind,
Best housed apart, as Nature has assigned.
Liberty's tree is washed in tyrants’ blood,
While slaves wear lashes, as before the Flood.

Though I proclaim all men to be my equal,
Yet my own child is dark, skin like treacle.
I tremble, for God may be stern and just,
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust.
We share blood, but my soul I don't observe;
To own them is the justice I deserve.

Some say I preach liberty whilst holding chains,
But they just lack my noble white man’s brains.
They say my words were light, my deeds darkness,
That I sold fellow men to labour's harness.
Freedom spoke through me: The voice of others--
Bought by the silence of my brothers.

In Fate's book is writ, "all men are to be freed;"
So let my chattel work, or let them bleed.

---

earlier version

---

“Jeffersonian Gymnastics”

We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That Black folk lack our white endowment.
Inferior still in body and in mind,
Best housed apart, as Nature hath designed.
The tree of liberty drinks tyrants’ blood,
While slaves drink lashes, and I call it good.

I proclaim all men to be my equal,
Yet my own child’s skin is dark, near treacle.
I tremble still that God is stern and just,
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust.
They bear my blood, but not my name’s reserve,
To own them is the justice I deserve.

They claim I preach of liberty holding chains;
But they just lack my noble white man’s brains.
They say my words were light, my deeds a shadow,
That I sold fellow men to labour’s gallows.
Freedom spoke through me: The voice of others--
My comforts built on weeping backs of mothers.

The earth belongs to life and not the dead,
So let my dark-skinned chattel bake my bread.

---

earlier version

---

“Jeffersonian Gymnastics”

We hold these truths to be self-evident
That Black folk lack our white endowment
Inferior still in body and in mind
Best housed apart, as Nature hath designed
The tree of liberty drinks tyrants’ blood
While slaves drink lashes, and I call it good

I proclaim all men to be my equal
Yet my own child’s skin is dark, near treacle
I tremble still that God is stern and just
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust
They bear my blood, but not my name’s reserve
To own them is the justice I deserve

They claim I preach of liberty holding chains
But they just lack my noble white man’s brains
They say my words were light, my deeds a shadow
That I sold fellow men to labour’s gallows
Freedom spoke through me: The voice of others
My comforts built on weeping backs of mothers

The earth belongs to life and not the dead
So let my dark-skinned chattel bake my bread

[dukealien]

“Jeffersonian Gymnastics”

We hold these truths to be self-evident  Good start
That Black folk lack our white endowment  ouch - missing foot
Inferior still in body and in mind  "still" is meter-defeating filler
Best housed apart, as Nature hath designed  "hath" implies a religious rationalization Jefferson (a theist) doesn't exemplify
The tree of liberty drinks tyrants’ blood  another good start
While slaves drink lashes, and I call it good  aside from the eye-rhyme, the image doesn't work

I proclaim all men to be my equal  missing first (unstressed) foot - could be OK stressing "I" but a filler might work - "So I..."
Yet my own child’s skin is dark, near treacle meter problems again - sug. "Yet my own child's a darky, skin like treacle

I tremble still that God is stern and just  perhaps a filler other than "still" - "now" perhaps
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust  "familiar" suggests family - good.  But more emphasis - "untrammeled," perhaps
They bear my blood, but not my name’s reserve  a forward-looking forced rhyme.  Also, need punctuation (see below) - a colon here, for example
To own them is the justice I deserve

They claim I preach of liberty holding chains meter is kind of a mess here... maybe, "Do I preach liberty while holding chains?"
But they just lack my noble white man’s brains
They say my words were light, my deeds a shadow could perfect rhyme (to "shadows") with "my deeds their shadows"
That I sold fellow men to labour’s gallows  again, the image doesn't work here
Freedom spoke through me: The voice of others  excellent first clause, but the rest of this couplet is incoherent
My comforts built on weeping backs of mothers

The earth belongs to life and not the dead  This line is effectively filler leading into the (good) concluding one... could it use "dread?"
So let my dark-skinned chattel bake my bread

---

---

Is the intended tone coming across from this? It is part of a series about historical monsters, the same series my poem about Cicero belongs to, but idk if this one is too much.

In intensive critique (which your P.S. suggests you may not quite have wished), your theme and tone do come across as, I think, you intended - contrast between Jefferson's public statements (and actions), and his private sins.  The recitation of modern talking points on this subject is reasonably complete.

But, as Hawkman said in that vein, "You've got to do better."  Use of line-leading capitalization gets a pass, but lack of line-end punctuation is a serious problem when some thoughts need to be set off as consequences of others, and some as new beginnings.

Meter is made to be (seldom) broken once you've established it.  Like the phrasing punctuation would define if you used it, meter is worth doing and would enhance the work and its impact.

So, as a framework for what you intend (description of a monster) this is not bad.  As a completed work, even as part of a series, it needs considerable refinement.  I hope the above suggestions help.

[Mostly Holy]

Thank you so much,that is ever so helpful! I have a blind spot for punctuation, when you spend too much time online proper punctuation starts to look wrong, but ofc I should have used it in this! I put it in, and just that alone actually made a lot of the flow issues more apparent. Your thoughtful notes will be a big help for the next revision. Now if only I could get a handle on meter ::pray::

[Mostly Holy]

I have updated it to the best of my ability. I cannot think of a good replacement for "wink at my familiar lust", and I do not like the line "We share blood, but my soul I don't observe;", seems awkward and vague. The original closer was based on something ironic Jefferson said, “The earth belongs always to the living generation. The dead have neither powers nor rights over it.”, but I found a better line to riff on, "Nothing is more certainly written in the book of fate than that these people are to be free;" a line whihc actually refers to black slaves, altho ofc he meant "eventually" and was talking about sending them back to Africa, not making them citizens.

[dukealien]

“Jeffersonian Gymnastics”

We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That Colored folk lack our white endowment.  perhaps em-dash here instead of period
Inferior in body and in mind,
Best housed apart, as Nature has assigned.
Liberty's tree is washed in tyrants’ blood,
While slaves wear lashes, as before the Flood.  Good changes here!  Perhaps "bear lashes" or if it's "wear," something to do with chains?

Though I proclaim all men to be my equal,
Yet my own child is dark, skin like treacle.  perhaps "her skin like..." to fill in the meter
I tremble, for God may be stern and just,
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust.
We share blood, but my soul I don't observe;  good try, but the inversion says this line isn't there yet
To own them is the justice I deserve.  I wonder if this could be "privilege" rather than "justice"

Some say I preach liberty whilst holding chains,
But they just lack my noble white man’s brains.
They say my words were light, my deeds darkness,  a word between "deeds" and "darkness" - 
That I sold fellow men to labour's harness.  how about "in" rather than "to" - forms a picture?
Freedom spoke through me: The voice of others--  how would this look with a semicolon after "me" and a question mark at the end?
Bought by the silence of my brothers.

In Fate's book is writ, "all men are to be freed;"  pardon the rewrite, but "In Fate's book it is writ, "men must be freed"
So let my chattel work, or let them bleed.  tempted to say "But" here, but to dark-Jefferson, his slaves weren't men.  So stet.

Much improved - admire your inventive changes; suggestions above are just that (hesitate to interfere by rewriting).  There are some lines which don't need any punctuation at the end, even a comma, since the next is a natural continuation of the sentence; these work better when that next line is not capitalized.

Only suggestion on meter is to read your poem out loud and notice where you have to backtrack or break rhythm.

[Mostly Holy]

Oh wonderful, thank you so much, your ideas for my poem are so much better than mine ::joy::

I will get to work on the next version right away.

[Mostly Holy]

Okay I have revised it again, and think this latest version is getting close. I went with most of your suggestions, but while I was doing more research I discovered that Jefferson did not let his slave children use his surname, they were "Hemings" until after his death. I felt I had to include this in my poem, so I re-wrote that couplet I could not get to flow, I think this version "They share my blood, but not my soul nor name; / I claim their flesh, unmoved by guilt or shame." is better but I suspect the meter is off, but eh.

I thought a lot about the last line, whether it should be "So" or "But". Originally, the last line mirrored the line about the earth being for the living not the dead by calling his slaves "half-dead", so the "So" was more obvious, then when I changed that I kept the "So" because Jefferson did not think of them as people, but on reflection it does scan oddly, so I am trying the "But". The idea about changing the punctuation in the line about "the voice of others" is just perfect, it gives the poem a moment where he almost achieves self-awareness and is such a small and clever change that I would have never thought of myself.

[dukealien]

“Jeffersonian Gymnastics”

We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That Colored folk lack our white endowment.  see below
Inferior in body and in mind,
Best housed apart, as Nature has assigned.
Liberty's tree is washed in tyrants’ blood,
While slaves bear lashes, as before the Flood.

Though I proclaim all men to be my equal,
Yet my own children are dark, skin like treacle.
I tremble, for God may be stern and just,
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust.
They share my blood, but not my soul nor name;  just "or" - or could be "neither soul nor name" but better just with "or"
I claim their flesh, unmoved by guilt or shame.

Some say I preach liberty whilst holding chains,
But they just lack my noble white man’s brains.
They say my words were light, my deeds were darkness,
That I sold fellow men in labour's harness.
Freedom spoke through me; The voice of others?
Bought by the silence of my brothers.

In Fate's book it is writ, "men must be freed"
But let my chattel work, or let them bleed.

Improving steadily.  There remain infelicities of meter/rhythm that are hard to spot unless read out loud - for example, your line 2

      That Colored folk lack our white endowment.

Your first line established a beat (or meter) of  ./././././

but since "endowment" is"  ./.   (en-DOW-ment)  - (I looked it up to be sure   )

the second stumbles with   ./././../.

As you continue to edit, do be sure to read out loud if the "voice in your head" doesn't see the difference there.

Neither-nor is one of those strange little quirks (I actually dusted off my Strunk & White on this).  "Neither x nor y" is correct, and so is "he cannot x nor can he y" - for that matter, "neither x or y" is fine.  But "not x nor y" is just incorrect - "The Elements of Style," Third Edition, must be obeyed!

[Todd]

I'm coming a bit late to this one so forgive me if I go over similar ground that others have touched on. I don't want to influence my comments by reading the others yet. I've written some poems in form but most in free verse so you or others may have a more trained ear. I tend to focus on content first and form second.

“Jeffersonian Gymnastics”

We hold these truths to be self-evident:--This is a nice callback opening to his own writings and his own likely cognitive dissonance (at least to some extent).
That Colored folk lack our white endowment. --endowment is okay, but it reads like a financial sort of feel. They lack our assets. So, it's a word implying advantage where I think you may want to slip into more superiority like (preeminence which at best is a slant rhyme. though you're likely stuck there because self-evident probably doesn't have a pure rhyme option). 
Inferior in body and in mind,
Best housed apart, as Nature has assigned.--You had designed here before which is probably better because assigned seems to lessen agency (like society has assigned and Jefferson despite the contradictions seemed to be pushing to change that assignment even if that meant freeing and then deporting). When you invoke Nature though or natural law it's an appeal to design or creation. 
Liberty's tree is washed in tyrants’ blood,
While slaves bear lashes, as before the Flood.--this seems like an end word for the point of rhyme. I'm just having trouble seeing an Antediluvian callback. Moses and Egypt maybe, Pre-Noah as Jefferson would have understood it isn't clicking for me.

Though I proclaim all men to be my equal,
Yet my own children are dark, skin like treacle.--This couplet feels like the meter is irregular. Also, I'm not liking the syntax of this line. I'd love treacle but I'd like this to read more smoothly.
I tremble, for God may be stern and just,--do you get a sense that Jefferson held to a Jonathan Edwards type God, or did he lean into mercy more. I believe the wink line but I'm not sure about this one.
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust.
They share my blood, but not my soul nor name;
I claim their flesh, unmoved by guilt or shame.

Some say I preach liberty whilst holding chains,
But they just lack my noble white man’s brains.--This lines are more obvious than your others. There's no irony or nuance and I think you can elevate this even if the message is the same (it's mostly word choice. Also, this is implying that Jefferson's critics are the slaves themselves and if that's the case he already has said they are inferior in mind. These are probably his abolitionist critics.
They say my words were light, my deeds were darkness,--I don't like light/darkness it feels again like forcing syntax for the rhyme.
That I sold fellow men in labour's harness.--I like labour's harness and the implication of a livestock view.
Freedom spoke through me; The voice of others?
Bought by the silence of my brothers.

In Fate's book it is writ, "men must be freed"--What is fate's book?
But let my chattel work, or let them bleed.

Hopefully some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Mostly Holy]

Improving steadily.  There remain infelicities of meter/rhythm that are hard to spot unless read out loud - for example, your line 2

      That Colored folk lack our white endowment.

Your first line established a beat (or meter) of  ./././././

but since "endowment" is"  ./.   (en-DOW-ment)  - (I looked it up to be sure   )

the second stumbles with   ./././../.

As you continue to edit, do be sure to read out loud if the "voice in your head" doesn't see the difference there.

Neither-nor is one of those strange little quirks (I actually dusted off my Strunk & White on this).  "Neither x nor y" is correct, and so is "he cannot x nor can he y" - for that matter, "neither x or y" is fine.  But "not x nor y" is just incorrect - "The Elements of Style," Third Edition, must be obeyed!

Meter will be the death of me ::joy:: Ty so much for all your helpful comments, I guess tying to fix the meter is my next task. Also, I am surprised about "not nor", I would have confidently asserted it was correct

>We hold these truths to be self-evident:--This is a nice callback opening to his own writings and his own likely cognitive dissonance (at least to some extent).

Most of the "clever" lines in my poem are paraphrases of Jefferson himself and some of his notable critics, mostly black critics.

>That Colored folk lack our white endowment. --endowment is okay, but it reads like a financial sort of feel. They lack our assets. So, it's a word implying advantage where I think you may want to slip into more superiority like (preeminence which at best is a slant rhyme. though you're likely stuck there because self-evident probably doesn't have a pure rhyme option). 

It is a reference to his letters, one of his awful justifications for slavery:
“I advance it therefore, as a suspicion only, that the blacks, whether originally a distinct race, or made distinct by time and circumstances, are inferior to the whites in the endowments both of body and mind.”
— Notes on the State of Virginia, Query XIV (1785)

>Best housed apart, as Nature has assigned.--You had designed here before which is probably better because assigned seems to lessen agency (like society has assigned and Jefferson despite the contradictions seemed to be pushing to change that assignment even if that meant freeing and then deporting). When you invoke Nature though or natural law it's an appeal to design or creation. 

Interesting, I did not consider that. I will have a think about this line, too.

>While slaves bear lashes, as before the Flood.--this seems like an end word for the point of rhyme. I'm just having trouble seeing an Antediluvian callback. Moses and Egypt maybe, Pre-Noah as Jefferson would have understood it isn't clicking for me.

True, his go-to reference for slavery in ancient times was Rome, so I shall have to think hard for some reference that a modern reader would get. Spartacus, perhaps?

>Yet my own children are dark, skin like treacle.--This couplet feels like the meter is irregular. Also, I'm not liking the syntax of this line. I'd love treacle but I'd like this to read more smoothly.

I struggle so much with meter! I will go thru the whole thing as carefully as I can and try to write down a scansion to tidy it up, just as soon as I read up on how to do that ::joy::

>I tremble, for God may be stern and just,--do you get a sense that Jefferson held to a Jonathan Edwards type God, or did he lean into mercy more. I believe the wink line but I'm not sure about this one.

It is a reference to one of his letters, talking about how God Himself will judge the US harshly for slavery:
“Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep forever.”
— Thomas Jefferson, Notes on the State of Virginia, Query XVIII

As to whether he believed it, I am inclined to think not, but he certainly understood he was on the wrong side of the argument.

>Some say I preach liberty whilst holding chains,
>But they just lack my noble white man’s brains.--This lines are more obvious than your others. There's no irony or nuance and I think you can elevate this even if the message is the same (it's mostly word choice. Also, this is implying that Jefferson's critics are the slaves themselves and if that's the case he already has said they are inferior in mind. These are probably his abolitionist critics.

Excellent points, I will think of a way to rephrase this in his voice

>They say my words were light, my deeds were darkness,--I don't like light/darkness it feels again like forcing syntax for the rhyme.

This is a line one of his critics used, but I paraphrased it and now I cannot find the original. I think it was "his words were a light, his deeds a shadow" or something to the effect. I agree it is cliche tho, I will think of something better

>In Fate's book it is writ, "men must be freed"--What is fate's book?

Another line from his letters, expressing his "hope" that slavery will someday end:
"We must wait with patience the workings of an overruling Providence, and hope that they are preparing the deliverance of these, our suffering brethren. When the measure of their tears shall be full—when their tears shall have involved heaven itself in darkness—it will be then that the Almighty will awaken to their distress, and by an act of His justice, the book of fate will be unsealed, and freedom will be written therein for all mankind.”
— Notes on the State of Virginia, Query XVIII (1785)

Basically, "let's all hope that Providence puts an end to this terrible slavery business, Amen." I take your point fully on all these lines that are references, if the reference is not clear then the line has to stand on its own, and clearly they do not. Something to think about, hmm.

Thank you so much, both of you, my poor little poem will be very grateful when I polish him up with your suggestions!

[Mostly Holy]

Okay, I have revised it again, hopefully those cryptic references are more clear now. I sort of agree that "endowment" is a odd way to talk about it, but, it is literally how he put it so I left it in. I liked the line about the flood but you were right, Todd, it did not really track as somethign Jefferson would say, Luckily the line above is easy to re-arrange so I had plenty of choices, not 100% sure about the one I went with, might be a bit too literal / dull?

The meter is still wonky. The meter will always be wonky. I have come to terms with this now. ::pensive::