Sandman Bum and Cigarettes

[teadreamslosangeles]

The scraggly bum in New Haven
Bums a cigarette and a few dollars
Off a pair of tea-silly skinny bums
Wandering his parking lot.

Tall bum Sandman, 
Laughing and jittering in the way a modern bum does.
Addled by whichever substance he sees fit:
I need not know.

The skinny bums
(Not really bums, but envisioned as such)
Are off to adventures of privilege 
While poor bum Sandman dredges along
Old sad college New Haven!

The humid summer fleets and runs for
A great escape
As the bone deep chill of east coast winter
Enters little forgotten college of Yale New Haven

Health hospital and Yale police force shiver
And old bum Sandman in the parking lot

[Mostly Holy]

What an interesting poem. I shall attempt to critique it along the lines of method, manner, and matter, altho I am not sure that is appropriate for this channel, so please forgive me if I over-step.

Method: Free verse sonnet, your line breaks are mostly good but a couple of odd ones:
> Tall bum Sandman,
The comma at teh end kills the flow

> The humid summer fleets and runs for / A great escape
This break feels stylistic rather than purposeful, I think the break would scan better after "fleets" or "runs"

There is some tonal clash too, lines like “tea-silly skinny bums” read like a colloquial euphemism, while “dredges along / Old sad college New Haven” is too formal. “College of Yale New Haven” sounds like a line from a brochure, not a poem

Manner: You repeat the word "bum", but do not intensify the imagery with each use, so it starts to seem monotonous. “Tea-silly skinny bums” is a great line, very weird and intriguing, but most of your other images are more generic and you are relying too much on adjectives instead of concrete images. “Bone deep chill” is cliche, your poem deserves more striking and original images. If you were to lean into the "tea-silly" line and make your visuals more surreal, I think this could be a really interesting poem.

Matter: Idk anything about homelessness, and I have never been to New Haven, but the theme of desperate poverty in a place of privilege is a strong one. I feel you are trying to set up Sandman as iconic, and I certainly sympathised with him, but you also objectify him, which weakens the message. Idk if this is intentional, painting the narrator as no better than anyone else who simply sees a drug-raddled bum when they look at Sandman, but I feel the poem would work better with a stronger moral tone, something more satirical, perhaps, or a more earnest social sketch

As I say, I am not sure what "mid to moderate critique" means, so if I have droned on about things you did not want or ask for advice about, I apologise. I do think the idea has legs, but at the moment it falls a little flat

[teadreamslosangeles]

What an interesting poem. I shall attempt to critique it along the lines of method, manner, and matter, altho I am not sure that is appropriate for this channel, so please forgive me if I over-step.

Method: Free verse sonnet, your line breaks are mostly good but a couple of odd ones:
> Tall bum Sandman,
The comma at teh end kills the flow

> The humid summer fleets and runs for / A great escape
This break feels stylistic rather than purposeful, I think the break would scan better after "fleets" or "runs"

There is some tonal clash too, lines like “tea-silly skinny bums” read like a colloquial euphemism, while “dredges along / Old sad college New Haven” is too formal. “College of Yale New Haven” sounds like a line from a brochure, not a poem

Manner: You repeat the word "bum", but do not intensify the imagery with each use, so it starts to seem monotonous. “Tea-silly skinny bums” is a great line, very weird and intriguing, but most of your other images are more generic and you are relying too much on adjectives instead of concrete images. “Bone deep chill” is cliche, your poem deserves more striking and original images. If you were to lean into the "tea-silly" line and make your visuals more surreal, I think this could be a really interesting poem.

Matter: Idk anything about homelessness, and I have never been to New Haven, but the theme of desperate poverty in a place of privilege is a strong one. I feel you are trying to set up Sandman as iconic, and I certainly sympathised with him, but you also objectify him, which weakens the message. Idk if this is intentional, painting the narrator as no better than anyone else who simply sees a drug-raddled bum when they look at Sandman, but I feel the poem would work better with a stronger moral tone, something more satirical, perhaps, or a more earnest social sketch

As I say, I am not sure what "mid to moderate critique" means, so if I have droned on about things you did not want or ask for advice about, I apologise. I do think the idea has legs, but at the moment it falls a little flat

Helpful, thank you! I appreciate your time.