Lies

[depressedmetalhead]

Hey everyone. Just started writing poetry about a week ago, and I found it a great way to get my emotions out. This has taken a lot of courage to post and I'm a teen struggling with mental health, so please be kind. I know it isn't the best, but thanks for reading and critiquing!  

Lies

You reached out in a cold world
Within the dirt and mud, you were a pearl
Coaxed me out of my shell
Made me believe within me there was no hell


Then you lied to me
And it broke my heart
To remember this was
How I got here in the start
I trust, they kill
Didn’t think you’d feel the same thrill


You'll never know the pain
When I need a hug, think of you
And remember you hurt me too
The lie burns but reality cuts more
Knowing I cling to truth and against it you wage war


I can’t trust anyone
I don't know why
I thought you’d be different
And never tell a lie


Then you saw my anger, witnessed my hate
Felt the remorse far too late
Apologized for all the wrong reasons
Only needed me to protect you from your demons
I love you, and against truth you ploy
Seems you’re just like every other boy


I was a fool, that is easy to see
Now I don't know if your only love is me
I've faced many daggers, but the pain never eases
Always becomes one of my many reasons
To leave this dark and depressing place
Maybe if I go, I won't have to see your face


“I get it, I’m sorry”
Authenticity was always yours before
It seems I don't know anything anymore
I’ve never heard your voice hit that note
Never thought you’d use that quote,
The same tired excuse
That means I’m going to lose.


If I leave you, i’ll never be complete
But I can’t stay and face defeat
Yet again, just like always
I’ll be stuck in my ways
Pretending everything’s fine
But I don’t know if I can do it this time


It hurts too much
To see your face, to feel your touch
To never understand what’s true
And what is not really you…

[carahmellow]

Lies

You reached out in a cold world
Within the dirt and mud, you were a pearl
Coaxed me out of my shell
Made me believe within me there was no hell (Line break after within me?... also the two "Me's" are throwing me off, you could maybe reword this a bit)


Then you lied to me
And it broke my heart (remove and)
To remember this was
How I got here in the start (odd wording... which makes it feels like a forced rhyme)
I trust, they kill
Didn’t think you’d feel the same thrill


You'll never know the pain
When I need a hug, think of you
And remember you hurt me too
The lie burns but reality cuts more 
Knowing I cling to truth and against it you wage war (comma after 'it'... or a line break... something)


I can’t trust anyone
I don't know why
I thought you’d be different
And never tell a lie (This stanza feels a little redundant. Ask yourself if it's needed or if the poem can work without it)


Then you saw my anger, witnessed my hate
Felt the remorse far too late
Apologized for all the wrong reasons
Only needed me to protect you from your demons (shorten this line for flow... "For protection from all of your deamons")
I love you, and against truth you ploy (The first line feels a bit unclear because "against truth you ploy" isn't a common phrasing. If you mean that the person is scheming or acting deceitfully against the truth, "ploy" as a verb doesn't quite fit.)
Seems you’re just like every other boy


I was a fool, that is easy to see
Now I don't know if your only love is me 
I've faced many daggers, but the pain never eases
Always becomes one of my many reasons
To leave this dark and depressing place
Maybe if I go, I won't have to see your face


“I get it, I’m sorry.”
Authenticity was always yours before
It seems I don't know anything anymore
I’ve never heard your voice hit that note
Never thought you’d use that quote,
The same tired excuse
That means I’m going to lose.


If I leave you, i’ll never be complete (i'll should be capitalized)
But I can’t stay and face defeat
Yet again, just like always
I’ll be stuck in my ways
Pretending everything’s fine
But I don’t know if I can do it this time


It hurts too much
To see your face, to feel your touch 
To never understand what’s true
And what is not really you… (I think you could sub "really" for a different adverb. Feels like filler... ex: authetically, sincerely)

Great poem! I wrote a few little fixes/suggestions but ran out of time... gotta be somewhere. I think this poem could be a little condensed. Sometimes, it's hard to remove lines that feel so special to you as the author, but if you try reading it without certain stanzas, you might realize that they aren't needed to make the poem work. I think if you were a bit more intentional, it might help out a bit. Also, a good tip that helped me out when I started writing poetry was... Watch the unneeded filler words like "and" "the" "then" "now" etc... Keep writing! I started as a teenager too. I recommend reading a lot of poetry, it will help. I think that's what helps me the most. Also, don't take critiques too personally; understand that its for learning, especially if you love poetry. I'm 40 and still learning. You will get a lot of great help here.

 Hope this helps! Can't wait to read more from you.

[busker]

“ It hurts too much
To see your face, to feel your touch
To never understand what’s true
And what is not really you…”

Is quite good

Kudos on your first attempt. It’s quite good for a first attempt
You may want to focus on cutting down the peon to half its length and distilling your message into those fewer lines to increase their potency.

[Bunx]

Hey! I'd definitely trim this down to your favorite stanzas and avoid filler words. what I love about your style is it flows like spoken word, honestly in a musical way. Reminded me of mewithoutyou lyrics or touche amore.

As far as written poetry you could use grammar to help the reader follow your flow. Regardless it was an enjoyable read!

[depressedmetalhead]

Thank you all for your helpful advice and kind words! I made the edits you guys suggested and it sounds a lot better; you guys were right. Here's the updated version if you'd like to read it :)

Lies

You reached out in a cold world
Within the dirt and mud, you were a pearl
Coaxed me out of my shell
Made me believe my soul possessed no hell

Then you lied to me
It broke my heart
To realize this could be
A time we grow apart
I trust, they kill
Didn’t think you’d feel the same thrill

You'll never know the pain
When I need a hug, think of you
And remember you hurt me too
The lie stings but reality cuts more;
I cling to truth and against it, you wage war

“I get it, I’m sorry.”
Authenticity was always yours before
It seems I don't know anything anymore
I’ve never heard your voice hit that note
Never thought you’d use that quote,
The same tired excuse
That means I’m going to lose.

If I leave you, I’ll never be complete
But I can’t stay and face defeat
Yet again, just like always
I’ll be stuck in my ways
Pretending everything’s fine
But I don’t know if I can do it this time

It hurts too much
To see your face, to feel your touch
To never understand what’s true
And what is not genuinely you…

[midnightcowboy]

in the part that goes:

“ “I get it, I’m sorry.”
Authenticity was always yours before
It seems I don't know anything anymore
I’ve never heard your voice hit that note
Never thought you’d use that quote,”

i feel like the “i’ve never heard your voice hit that note” comes out of nowhere and sounds
like a macguffin in a way, only letting you rhyme in your next line without adding to the content of the poem

[busker]

Thank you all for your helpful advice and kind words! I made the edits you guys suggested and it sounds a lot better; you guys were right. Here's the updated version if you'd like to read it

Lies

You reached out in a cold world
Within the dirt and mud, you were a pearl
Coaxed me out of my shell
Made me believe my soul possessed no hell

Then you lied to me
It broke my heart
To realize this could be
A time we grow apart
I trust, they kill
Didn’t think you’d feel the same thrill

You'll never know the pain
When I need a hug, think of you
And remember you hurt me too
The lie stings but reality cuts more;
I cling to truth and against it, you wage war

“I get it, I’m sorry.”
Authenticity was always yours before
It seems I don't know anything anymore
I’ve never heard your voice hit that note
Never thought you’d use that quote,
The same tired excuse
That means I’m going to lose.

If I leave you, I’ll never be complete
But I can’t stay and face defeat
Yet again, just like always
I’ll be stuck in my ways
Pretending everything’s fine
But I don’t know if I can do it this time

It hurts too much
To see your face, to feel your touch
To never understand what’s true
And what is not genuinely you…

Metal, thr revised poem is usually pasted into the original post, with older versions pushed down the appropriate number of lines. Just take a look at some revisions in the intensive thread

[Mark A Becker]

Hello metalhead, and welcome!

I remember writing a very long poem some time ago and was (wisely) advised to pare it down. I went from a full page to a single verse. The vastly shortened version was also vastly better.

My first piece of advice: never be a slave to rhyming, as searching for rhymes often forces them, and your train of thought may crash in that search. While rhymes are a natural starting place, poetry is not just a series of rhymes, as it uses many different poetic devices. You'll be glad when you look into that.

Also, spilling your guts in a poem is fine, but you don't need to spill all of em for a reader to get the picture. It actually is true that less-is-more in poetry.

Please stick around, read poems on this site, and comment on them. You will find that offering comments for other poems is as valuable as any poem you may offer for comments. The give and take is why we are here. The BASIC forum is a really good place to start.

Below, I have retained the parts of your piece that struck me as the core of the poem.

i do hope you continue to hang with us if you are serios about honing your craft,
Mark

Lies

You reached out in a cold world
Within the dirt and mud, you were a pearl

The lie stings but reality cuts more;
I cling to truth and against it, you wage war

Pretending everything’s fine
But I don’t know if I can do it this time

It hurts too much
To see your face, to feel your touch
To never understand what’s true
And what is not genuinely you…