Near Yosemite, CA

[Jamiefarmer]

Wondering what you think of this. If you take the time to read it, thank you

[b]Near Yosemite, CA[/b]

I was there
Each dry oak with stabbing leaves
And the pines and the big rock across the water
Are so abstinent, so quiet

They’ll tell you unbearable truths
While all the years push at you
From both ends of the river

The place is a praying site, a holy mosque
The water’s light feels like sand in the far east
Or when the moon hits, the bed of civilization
In a fertile area

I swung a line
you can hardly be a citizen here
Of the United States, only an older brother, sister
Or a rock bottomer

Are these mountains still being settled
You might ask, what’s really taking place here

Did John Muir hope to raise cattle
Are you a tourist in dim equipment light
Hoping to see some rock

Or are these the holy kind of mountains
That you can meet face to face
where villages spread out
And the grains are passed around

I’m here anyways
I just kept on barefoot walking down the summersand
And jumped in the water there

[Mark A Becker]

Hello James-
With a bit of massaging this poem could really shine. In-line comments below:

Near Yosemite, CA

I was there strike this line. the poem illustrates this well enough
Each dry oak with stabbing leaves
And the pines and the big rock across the water Is the big rock the Sentinel? If so, say so.
Are so abstinent, so quiet

They’ll tell you unbearable truths
While all the years push at you
From both ends of the river this is a way cool line

The place is a praying site, a holy mosque prehaps condense: the place is holy as a mosque
The water’s light feels like sand in the far east another interesting line
Or when the moon hits, the bed of civilization
In a fertile area

I swung a line
you can hardly be a citizen here
Of the United States, only an older brother, sister
Or a rock bottomer

Are these mountains still being settled
You might ask, what’s really taking place here

Did John Muir hope to raise cattle extend this thought regarding Muir; his University of Wilderness.
Are you a tourist in dim equipment light
Hoping to see some rock the mention of tourists seems intrusive in this poem

Or are these the holy kind of mountains 'the holy kind' is an odd descriptor
That you can meet face to face Maybe : these mountains meet you face to face
where villages spread out
And the grains are passed around This stanza could be re-worked to better effect

I’m here anyways strike this line. we know you're there
I just kept on barefoot walking down the summersand
And jumped in the water there is it the Merced river? If so, say so. Something about ablution would work really well here.

This poem has great potential. The more personal you can make it, the better. Statements like "I was there" are way too bland.
... Mark

[RiverNotch]

mostly just unpolished, but i agree with the previous commenter that there's a lot of potential here. one general thing i'm not sure of is the way the place is described as a bit of the middle east -- i imagine more scrupulous readers might take issue with that, so be prepared with a reason (i imagine the speaker is an immigrant?) or at least to dig in.

first big note, inconsistent capitalization of the first line (something that i find to be discouraged when it comes to modern poetry---oh, and ignore the fact that i entirely ignore capitalization for this critique xD) and absence of punctuation. note my suggested insertions/corrections throughout.


I was there.
Each dry oak with stabbing leaves
and the pines and the big rock across the water
are so abstinent, so quiet.

"I was there" implies that much of the rest of the poem should be in the past and conditional tenses, so "were so" rather than "are so". "Each dry oak" is singular, contrasted with the plural of "the pines", making things a bit awkward when the stanza ends with the plural: better "The dry oaks with their stabbing leaves". finally, "abstinent" doesn't feel like exactly the right word, since it connotes a sexuality absent from the rest of the piece.

They'll tell you unbearable truths
while all the years push at you
from both ends of the river.

stanza should be in the conditional tense, if "I was there" is kept: "They'd tell you unbearable truths / while all the years pushed at you" otherwise, i agree with the previous commenter that this stanza is especially gorgeous, although "unbearable" may be a touch melodramatic.

The place is a praying site, a holy mosque.
The water's light feels like sand in the far east
or, when the moon hits, the bed of civilization
in a fertile area.

"The place was", "The water's light felt", "when the moon hit". "praying site" isn't idiomatic: it should be "prayer room". "far east" refers *specifically* to china, taiwan, korea, and japan, not the places the speaker actually means to evoke: it should be "near east" or "middle east". "bed of civilizaton", again, isn't idiomatic: it should be "cradle of civilization". finally the last line is entirely redundant: i get what you're going for with "fertile", but you could probably move that to the previous line.

I swung a line.
You can hardly be a citizen here,
of the United States, only an older brother, sister,
or a rock bottomer.

"You could", although here I think a shift towards the present tense is finally supported. "a citizen here" means it should be "in the United States", not "of", though i agree with the previous commenter that the latter clause is disposable. "sister" feels better moved to the start of the next line, or maybe removed altogether.

Did John Muir hope to raise cattle?
Are you a tourist in dim equipment light
hoping to see some rock

retranscribing this stanza made it click for me. a fascinating sentiment, even if i hadn't ever heard of Muir before this. as with the previous stanza, "Are you a tourist" and the rest of its sentence are also okay to keep in the present tense.

or are these the holy kind of mountains
that you can meet face to face,
where villages spread out
and the grains are passed around?

better for the first line, perhaps, is "or are these some kind of holy mountains". better, perhaps, to swap "that" with "which". for parallelism's sake, the third line should be "where villagers are spread out", while the fourth line should omit "the". and as for overall sentiment....i'm actually quite dubious about this. the two "holy mountains" i've visited are well-settled, but i don't know if that's truly characteristic, considering the inhospitability of both Sinai and Qomolangma, and aren't national parks typically left unsettled?

I'm here anyways.
I just kept on barefoot walking down the summersand
and jumped in the water there.

i again echo the previous commenter in believing that the first line of this stanza is also entirely disposable. more idiomatic, perhaps, is "kept on walking barefoot down", but "summersand" is surely two words, not one. smoother to remove "and" then have "jumped" be a gerund instead. better also to remove "there"....in fact, it might be better to remove "just" and "down the summer sand", to entirely rethink this stanza and how you return to the idea of "sand in the near east", since this ending at the moment feels very....very ending for ending's sake.

---

add. i just noticed i completely forgot an entire stanza....though evidently with good reason, as it is also entirely disposable.

[Jamiefarmer]

Hello James-
With a bit of massaging this poem could really shine. In-line comments below:

Near Yosemite, CA

I was there  strike this line. the poem illustrates this well enough
Each dry oak with stabbing leaves
And the pines and the big rock across the water  Is the big rock the Sentinel? If so, say so.
Are so abstinent, so quiet

They’ll tell you unbearable truths
While all the years push at you
From both ends of the river  this is a way cool line

The place is a praying site, a holy mosque  prehaps condense: the place is holy as a mosque 
The water’s light feels like sand in the far east  another interesting line
Or when the moon hits, the bed of civilization
In a fertile area

I swung a line
you can hardly be a citizen here
Of the United States, only an older brother, sister
Or a rock bottomer

Are these mountains still being settled
You might ask, what’s really taking place here

Did John Muir hope to raise cattle  extend this thought regarding Muir; his University of Wilderness.
Are you a tourist in dim equipment light
Hoping to see some rock  the mention of tourists seems intrusive in this poem

Or are these the holy kind of mountains  'the holy kind' is an odd descriptor
That you can meet face to face  Maybe : these mountains meet you face to face 
where villages spread out
And the grains are passed around   This stanza could be re-worked to better effect

I’m here anyways strike this line. we know you're there
I just kept on barefoot walking down the summersand
And jumped in the water there  is it the Merced river? If so, say so. Something about ablution would work really well here.

This poem has great potential. The more personal you can make it, the better. Statements like "I was there" are way too bland.
... Mark

Hey Mark,

Thank you for these suggestions, I think you were able to appreciate this for what it is. It is about the Merced river, I go there a lot during the summer.
I'm ready to cut out most of your striked-out lines, I agree with you. I haven't read as much of Muir's work or know as much about him as I'd like to, and I would like to expand on his ideas there. The "big rocK" isn't sentinel, I was just picturing some of those big boulders and cliffs you see across the river.

I hope I was able to get that Merced river feeling across