Women's Work

[flotsson]

This refuge along Parkway
where one returns after
emptying Fridays pay-
just to loosen lips,
and feet,
smells like
mother's macaroni,
cool grease,
stumbling nights,
and strolling days.

Here I,
in an apron that long since
failed to contain my
growing hips,
sway between
plywood corridors,
speckled with imitation
silver and porcelain.

As I bent to bus
a four-top I'd
picked up
from the ewe-eyed auburn,
slowly,
then all
at once
the rough inseam
broke
in a small deluge
of soft flesh.

Manager Benji was a real
gold chain chest
hair kind of a man.
Stomach back crotch
forward kind of a man.
tear the tears from you
with his teeth kind of a man:
A man who fancied
himself a Man.

As he shook the house
he spittled into me
the spangled truth;
we own this space.
What a terrible excess
of mulled Blood in his Dick,
to address us,
as such,
in our own kingdom.
so I took my exposed
boyshorts,
regal in their way,
and I sauntered out with dignity
alone intact.

In my car,
I began
to put the rest of
myself 
back together.

[SpruceMoose]

This refuge along Parkway
where one returns after
emptying Fridays pay-
just to loosen lips,
and feet,
smells like
mother's macaroni,
cool grease,
stumbling nights,
and strolling days.

Here I,
in an apron that long since
failed to contain my
growing hips,
sway between
plywood corridors,
speckled with imitation. I feel like we jumped from the hallway to the kitchen here somehow. A tad disorienting if I have read that correctly. The use of corridors...
silver and porcelain.

As I bent to bus
a four-top I'd
picked up
from the mousy auburn, Mousey here can either mean brown like a mouse, or small. It may be redundant to auburn.
slowly,
and all "And then all at once" because it contradicts itself if both are used to express the same thing at the same moment.
at once 
the rough inseam
broke
in a small deluge
of soft flesh.

Manager Benji was a real
gold chain chest
hair kind of a man.
Stomach back crotch
forward kind of a man.
tear the tears from you
with his teeth kind of a man:
A man who fancied
himself a Man. I liked this flow after a few readings.

As he shook the house
he spittled into me
the spangled truth;
we own this space.
What a terrible excess
of mulled Blood in his Dick,
to address us,
as such,
in our own kingdom.
so I took my exposed
boyshorts,
regal in their way,
and I sauntered out with dignity
alone intact.  I really liked this entire stanza.

In my car,
I began
to put the rest of
myself 
back together.  Great ending!

[Knot]

Hi flotsson.

I liked the ending, and the descriptions of the place in S1, but felt the short staccato lines didn't serve the piece that well.
I struggled with S5 - what prompted the outburst - as well as with some of the language choices: especially with 'in our own kingdom' (this doesn't square with the opening 'this refuge' - should it be 'the refuge'?) Spittled/spangled jarred a bit. I'd suggest keep this part simple, the brutality doesn't need any adornments. Sauntered seems an odd choice, and again, seems at odds with the final verse.

I think you could add a line to the end of S4 (a third 'kind of' in keeping with the previous two) perhaps ...

Manager Benji was a real gold chain
chest hair kind of a man. Stomach back
crotch forward kind of a man. A tear
the tears from you with his teeth
kind of a man: A man who fancied
himself a Man. That kind of a man.
?
(Though what does 'stomach back' mean? Should it be stomach in / crotch out ... ?)

I think you could rework S1slightly ...

The refuge along Parkway smells
like mother's macaroni, old grease,
stumbling nights, and strolling days.

It's where I return, every Friday
after ...


Best, Knot

.

[flotsson]

This refuge along Parkway
where one returns after
emptying Fridays pay-
just to loosen lips,
and feet,
smells like
mother's macaroni,
cool grease,
stumbling nights,
and strolling days.

Here I,
in an apron that long since
failed to contain my
growing hips,
sway between
plywood corridors,
speckled with imitation. I feel like we jumped from the hallway to the kitchen here somehow. A tad disorienting if I have read that correctly. The use of corridors...
silver and porcelain.

As I bent to bus
a four-top I'd
picked up
from the mousy auburn, Mousey here can either mean brown like a mouse, or small. It may be redundant to auburn.
slowly,
and all "And then all at once" because it contradicts itself if both are used to express the same thing at the same moment.
at once 
the rough inseam
broke
in a small deluge
of soft flesh.

Manager Benji was a real
gold chain chest
hair kind of a man.
Stomach back crotch
forward kind of a man.
tear the tears from you
with his teeth kind of a man:
A man who fancied
himself a Man. I liked this flow after a few readings.

As he shook the house
he spittled into me
the spangled truth;
we own this space.
What a terrible excess
of mulled Blood in his Dick,
to address us,
as such,
in our own kingdom.
so I took my exposed
boyshorts,
regal in their way,
and I sauntered out with dignity
alone intact.  I really liked this entire stanza.

In my car,
I began
to put the rest of
myself 
back together.  Great ending!

I intended mousy to reference her facial features, and didn't even realize it could mean brown. Given that bit of weird ambiguity, I'll revise. You're absolutely right about the contradiction, and your recommendation works great, thank you

[SpruceMoose]

This refuge along Parkway
where one returns after
emptying Fridays pay-
just to loosen lips,
and feet,
smells like
mother's macaroni,
cool grease,
stumbling nights,
and strolling days.

Here I,
in an apron that long since
failed to contain my
growing hips,
sway between
plywood corridors,
speckled with imitation. I feel like we jumped from the hallway to the kitchen here somehow. A tad disorienting if I have read that correctly. The use of corridors...
silver and porcelain.

As I bent to bus
a four-top I'd
picked up
from the mousy auburn, Mousey here can either mean brown like a mouse, or small. It may be redundant to auburn.
slowly,
and all "And then all at once" because it contradicts itself if both are used to express the same thing at the same moment.
at once 
the rough inseam
broke
in a small deluge
of soft flesh.

Manager Benji was a real
gold chain chest
hair kind of a man.
Stomach back crotch
forward kind of a man.
tear the tears from you
with his teeth kind of a man:
A man who fancied
himself a Man. I liked this flow after a few readings.

As he shook the house
he spittled into me
the spangled truth;
we own this space.
What a terrible excess
of mulled Blood in his Dick,
to address us,
as such,
in our own kingdom.
so I took my exposed
boyshorts,
regal in their way,
and I sauntered out with dignity
alone intact.  I really liked this entire stanza.

In my car,
I began
to put the rest of
myself 
back together.  Great ending!

I intended mousy to reference her facial features, and didn't even realize it could mean brown. Given that bit of weird ambiguity, I'll revise. You're absolutely right about the contradiction, and your recommendation works great, thank you

Happy to have been of some help!

[bianca.a.palmisano]

Thanks for the opportunity to read this! There's some wonderful and evocative phrasing in here, but I'm struck by the tonal difference between the first two stanzas, which have a lot of very short lines, feels staccato and sparse, and the third stanza where you use a lot of repetition "kind of a man" as an echo. The lines of the third stanza feel much longer, more legato, and I'm not sure if that's intended? Good luck working on it!

This refuge along Parkway
where one returns after
emptying Fridays pay-
just to loosen lips,
and feet,
smells like
mother's macaroni,  <-- definitely your most unique phrasing; I like it
cool grease,
stumbling nights,
and strolling days.

Here I, 
in an apron that long since
failed to contain my
growing hips,
sway between
plywood corridors,
speckled with imitation  <-- I feel like you can find a better word than imitation to show that the place is cheap
silver and porcelain.

As I bent to bus
a four-top I'd  <-- I'm perplexed by this line break
picked up
from the ewe-eyed auburn,
slowly,
then all  <-- and this one
at once
the rough inseam
broke
in a small deluge  <-- LOVE these two lines, unique phrasing
of soft flesh.

Manager Benji was a real   <-- This change of perspective feels abrupt; your last two stanzas are written from a close 1st person perspective; this stanza has distance to it
gold chain chest
hair kind of a man.
Stomach back crotch
forward kind of a man.
tear the tears from you
with his teeth kind of a man:  <-- I like these lines in isolation, they just seem odd after the first two stanza
A man who fancied
himself a Man.

As he shook the house
he spittled into me
the spangled truth;
we own this space.
What a terrible excess
of mulled Blood in his Dick, <-- I'm not sure what this means? And the profanity seems tonally a little strange compared to the rest of the poem
to address us,
as such,
in our own kingdom.
so I took my exposed
boyshorts,
regal in their way,
and I sauntered out with dignity
alone intact.

In my car,
I began
to put the rest of
myself 
back together.  <-- I'm a sucker for a clear ending. This is nice. Personally, I would change the line breaks to "In my car/ I began to put the rest/ of myself/back together.

[JamesG]

Love this poem I would have to say, a fabulous evocation of everyday misogyny and the strength needed to get through it. Just a few thoughts that may or may not be appreciated.

This refuge along Parkway
where one returns after
emptying Fridays pay-
just to loosen lips,
and feet,
smells like
mother's macaroni,
cool grease,
stumbling nights,
and strolling days.

Here I,
in an apron that long since
failed to contain my
growing hips, Love the connection between hips and lips in the first stanza
sway between
plywood corridors,
speckled with imitation Not sure what this means?
silver and porcelain.

As I bent to bus
a four-top I'd
picked up
from the ewe-eyed auburn,
slowly,
then all
at once
the rough inseam
broke
in a small deluge
of soft flesh. I love this passage, in particular these last two lines, though I feel its staccato nature is a little forced perhaps. 

Manager Benji was a real
gold chain chest
hair kind of a man.
Stomach back crotch Not sure about this line as I am not sure of what it means
forward kind of a man.
tear the tears from you
with his teeth kind of a man:
A man who fancied
himself a Man. A brilliant description of a type of man we all know

As he shook the house
he spittled into me
the spangled truth;
we own this space.
What a terrible excess
of mulled Blood in his Dick, I don't think these need to be capitalized really.
to address us,
as such,
in our own kingdom.
so I took my exposed
boyshorts,
regal in their way,
and I sauntered out with dignity
alone intact.

In my car,
I began
to put the rest of
myself 
back together. A great ending 

[Gerryswo]

Ist Stanza
Nice opening. Pulls the reader right in. In a very few words you managed to paint a narrative of life when making minimum wage. I’m not too sure about your enjambment though. I would suggest something like this:

just to loosen lips, and feet,
smells like mother's macaroni, cool grease,
stumbling nights, and strolling days.

I’m sure you had your reasons for your approach but it seemed to interrupt the narrative for me.

2nd stanza
Here you continue to paint a compelling narrative. Your descriptions were tight, crisp,no wasrted words. I had the same type of enjambment comments.

3rd stanza
“small deluge of soft flesh” Excellent imagery. I can see the scene as if it were on a TV screen.
Enjambment. I think it becomes a little more obvious when the poem is read aloud. It starts and stops unpleasantly because of the way the sentences are broken up.

4th stanza
Nice description of the manager. I think the stanza could use some commas after both “kind of man”s.
Same enjambment comments.

5th stanza
I don’t know if the act was forced, but it seemed unpleasant, supervisor taking advantage of subordinate. A lot was said in a small space.
Same enjambment comments.


6th stanza
The aftermath. I thought this understated, but in a powerful way, as though it had almost become a way of life, something they couldn’t successfully battle. At the same time I got the sense they were getting to the point where they could end the abuse


“Please be harsh. I don't take well to praise. If I'm harsh with your poem, that means I liked it.” I’m sorry I’m going to make you feel bad because I generally praised your poem. It was, I thought, a powerfully understated critique in its own right about the plight of the powerless confronting the powerful (assuming I got narrative correcrt). Sadly, it happens all the time and I think you did a wonderful job of bringing it to the surface.