Blood Red

[SpruceMoose]

Wartorn kitchen
Our favorite place to fight
A battlefield bedroom
Where love was made and war
And love again
Can we leave it all behind?
Mend the fence and rebuild the chapel
Respect and honor our foes?
Or make the hell of our childhood
Our home
I plea, let our pain rest
It takes tender hands to make a nest
That we've never known
You pick up the knife
I had just put down
The enemy is inside us
But it's not who we are, only part
My white flag flashes 
In the blooshot of your heart
Pupils constricted we both die
Respect and honor; Our foes.



Auxillary verse im not sure can be squirreled in, or used for another poem.
--Harsh words rest
Like bullets in our breasts
memories of battles we're reliving-

[brynmawr1]

Wartorn kitchen    consider 'The kitchen wartorn,'
Our favorite place to fight
A battlefield bedroom   also, 'the bedroom a battlefield'
Where love was made and war  is?, it helps to write in present tense when possible
And love again       then?
Can we leave it all behind?    semicolon, I think.
Mend the fence and rebuild the chapel   
Respect and honor our foes?    I realize this is a theme but 'foe' isn't working for me and I don't think you need this and the last line.
Or make the hell of our childhood
Our home     period?
I plea, let our pain rest        consider 'My plea- let our pain rest'  could even move to a new line after emdash
It takes tender hands to make a nest
That we've never known
You pick up the knife        These two line seem like a nice ending
I had just put down
The enemy is inside us
But it's not who we are, only part
My white flag flashes 
In the blooshot of your heart
Pupils constricted we both die       as an aside, when people are upset/aroused the pupils actually dilate.
Respect and honor; Our foes.



Auxillary verse im not sure can be squirreled in, or used for another poem.
--Harsh words rest
Like bullets in our breasts
memories of battles we're reliving-

Hi Sprucemoose,

Welcome to the Pen.  Overall, I like the piece with its themes and it has some nice imagery.  I do think the first half is stronger than the second after the plea.  It gets a little muddled for me after that.  I made some suggested line rearrangements but there are others to consider.  The only other thing I would mention is the intermittent punctuation.  Certainly in poetry, use of punctuation can be fluid but usually when done, should be intentional and to add meaning of some kind.  I don't see that here so much, so I would recommend being more rigorous to help the reader navigate better.  Advice I often don't follow myself!  All suggestions are just that, so take what seems helpful to you.
Thanks for the read,
bryn

[SpruceMoose]

Thank you so much for the feedback. I do intend on working on the punctuation. Will think on the foes lines. But I am fairly sure when people are angry their pupils constrict. When aroused or happy they dialate.

[brynmawr1]

Thank you so much for the feedback. I do intend on working on the punctuation. Will think on the foes lines.  But I am fairly sure when people are angry their pupils constrict.  When aroused or happy they dialate.

Hi Spruce,

I don't mean to belabor the point but there aren't emotions that causes pupil constriction.  Anger, love, fear, happiness all cause the same physiologic response, stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system that readies the body for physical exertion.  What emotion we perceive is dictated by the context of the situation.  I had a college psychology professor that gave tips on generating attraction.  The basic premise is to first put your 'subject' in a stressful situation, such as a scary movie or rollercoaster ride and then move to a quiet situation with just the two of you.  The subject will still be physiologically aroused from the scary situation but now in a calm environment will attribute the arousal to you.  Sneaky.

Anyway, I liked your poem!
bryn

[SpruceMoose]

Thank you so much for the feedback. I do intend on working on the punctuation. Will think on the foes lines.  But I am fairly sure when people are angry their pupils constrict.  When aroused or happy they dialate.

Hi Spruce,

I don't mean to belabor the point but there aren't emotions that causes pupil constriction.  Anger, love, fear, happiness all cause the same physiologic response, stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system that readies the body for physical exertion.  What emotion we perceive is dictated by the context of the situation.  I had a college psychology professor that gave tips on generating attraction.  The basic premise is to first put your 'subject' in a stressful situation, such as a scary movie or rollercoaster ride and then move to a quiet situation with just the two of you.  The subject will still be physiologically aroused from the scary situation but now in a calm environment will attribute the arousal to you.  Sneaky.

Anyway, I liked your poem!
bryn

Thanks, no I concede if its wrong or throws something in that is misleading or incorrect i am happy to know about it. I may be mistaken. And thats really why I am here. 
Thank you for pointing it out! I will amend as neccessary.
And I am glad you liked my poem

[brynmawr1]

My take on your poem.




A kitchen wartorn;
our favorite place to fight.

Our bedroom a battlefield
where love is made and war,
then love again.

Could we leave it all behind;
mend the fence and rebuild the chapel
or do we make the hell of our childhood
our home?  My plea-

let our pain rest;
the enemy is inside us
but it is not who we are.

It takes tender hands to make a nest;
one we have never known.

My white flag flashes 
in your bloodshot heart.

Please don't
pick up the knife
I've just put down.

[SpruceMoose]

My take on your poem.




A kitchen wartorn;
our favorite place to fight.

Our bedroom a battlefield
where love is made and war,
then love again.

Could we leave it all behind;
mend the fence and rebuild the chapel
or do we make the hell of our childhood
our home?  My plea-

let our pain rest;
the enemy is inside us
but it is not who we are.

It takes tender hands to make a nest;
one we have never known.

My white flag flashes 
in your bloodshot heart.

Please don't
pick up the knife
I've just put down.

I am mulling over some of the proposed changes and noticing I really don't like "plea" very much. 
I also noted the difference in formatting between your amended version and my original that I had not given thought to previously.