A Still Life (new title)

[brynmawr1]

A Still Life
 
Quarrelling calls of seagulls and kin;
the scent of coconut and aloe on skin.
 
Sand in towels and on clothes,
though mostly sand under foot
massaging between toes.
 
A sea of trouble lulled
by the whisper of turning pages;
the murmured crescendo of each wave;
a beach chair’s seductive repose.
 
Games and puzzles and wine-
The useful idleness
of anonymous days.
 
Family time measured
by an umbrella’s shadow.

Anonymity of Days
 
Quarrelling call of seagulls and kin.
Smell of coconut and aloed skin.
 
The wind blowing
sand in towels and clothes
under foot
massaging between toes.
 
A sea of trouble lulled
by the whisper of turning pages;
each wave’s murmured crescendo;
a beach chair’s insistent repose.
 
Games and puzzles and wine-
family time measured
by an umbrella’s shadow.

[Mark A Becker]

Well hello Steve from Brynmar! Good to read you again. Some in-line comments below:

Anonymity of Days not the right title, I'm afraid

Quarrelling calls of seagulls and kin; perhaps plural 'calls'- catches a better internal rhyme with 'seagulls', and a semi-colon instead of a period
the smell of coconut oil and aloe on skin. aloed as a verb ? perhaps add 'oil' ?? add 'the' to begin the line, to tie in the previous line. ??

Wind blown
sand in towels and on clothes added 'on' for rthymn
yet soft under foot-
a massage between toes. 'wind blowing' almost refers to what's under foot (not the sand)

My sea of troubles lulled make it personal
by the whisper of turning pages; I really, really like this line!
each wave a murmured crescendo; personifying waves not working for me- draws attention away from the people
a beach chair inviting repose. ditto for 'chair's' . 'insistent' not working for me

Frizzbees, puzzles, cold fuzzy navels- Maybe 'frizzbees' instead of generic 'games'. Maybe 'fuzzy navels' instead of generic 'wine' ??
our family time measured make it personal with 'our' ??
by umbrella shadows. no personification for 'umbrella' while you're at it. 'shadows' me thinks, as they change as time passes.

Please take my additions as suggestions- I don't intend for you to implement them, but wanted to also avoid protacted, oblique comments.
All in all a lovely, innocuous poem- no drama needed- it creates a relaxed feel.
~ Mark

[brynmawr1]

Well hello Steve from Brynmar!  Good to read you again. Some in-line comments below:

Anonymity of Days  not the right title, I'm afraid

Quarrelling calls of seagulls and kin;  perhaps plural 'calls'- catches a better internal rhyme with 'seagulls', and a semi-colon  instead of a period
the smell of coconut oil and aloe on skin. aloed as a verb ?  perhaps add 'oil' ?? add 'the' to begin the line, to tie in the previous line. ??

Wind blown
sand in towels and on clothes  added 'on' for rthymn
yet soft under foot-
a massage between toes. 'wind blowing' almost refers to what's under foot (not the sand)

My sea of troubles lulled  make it personal
by the whisper of turning pages;  I really, really like this line!
each wave a murmured crescendo;  personifying waves not working for me- draws attention away from the people
a beach chair inviting repose. ditto for 'chair's' .  'insistent' not working for me

Frizzbees, puzzles, cold fuzzy navels- Maybe 'frizzbees' instead of generic 'games'. Maybe 'fuzzy navels' instead of generic 'wine' ??
our family time measured  make it personal with 'our' ??
by umbrella shadows.  no personification for 'umbrella' while you're at it.  'shadows' me thinks, as they change as time passes.

Please take my additions as suggestions- I don't intend for you to implement them, but wanted to also avoid protacted, oblique comments.
All in all a lovely, innocuous poem- no drama needed- it creates a relaxed feel.
~ Mark

Hey Mark,
Good to read you too!
The title was initially "Beach Life" but then I had a hanging line that was supposed to be the ending that I switched out.  Trying to get across that vacation vibe where one loses track of what day it is.

I had a question about the personification issue.  I hadn't really thought of the possessive doing that.  At least any more than 'murmured' or 'insistent', no?

I used 'insistent' to convey a certain futility in resisting.  Working on a better replacement.

As always, thanks for commenting.
Take care,
steve

[Knot]

Hi Bryn,
impressed that you were able to resist "Life's a Beach" as the title.

Quarrelling call of seagulls and kin.
Smell of coconut and aloed skin. ................ I don't mind 'aloed' (adds a bit of interest)

The shrill quarreling of gulls and kin.
The scents of coconut and aloed skin.

The wind blowing
sand in towels and clothes
under foot
massaging between toes. ........................... this is a bit weak (overall) and that ambiguity of what is 'massaging between toes' needs addressing, for me.


A sea of trouble lulled
by the whisper of turning pages; ................ I like the idea, but I don't see how the 'troubles' previously identified (S1/L1) are 'lulled by N reading.
each wave’s murmured crescendo;
a beach chair’s insistent repose. .............. not keen on the beach chair line, and what does each crescendo achieve?

Games and puzzles and wine- .......... how does this square with 'turning pages''?
family time measured
by an umbrella’s shadow. .............. might not these two lines better follow 'aloed skin'? But the umbrella/sundial is nice.

Like the central idea, and some of the images, but perhaps it's a bit too compressed?

Best, Knot

.

[brynmawr1]

Hi Bryn,
impressed that you were able to resist "Life's a Beach" as the title.   I'm not that punny!

Quarrelling call of seagulls and kin.
Smell of coconut and aloed skin. ................ I don't mind 'aloed' (adds a bit of interest)

The shrill quarreling of gulls and kin.
The scents of coconut and aloed skin.

The wind blowing
sand in towels and clothes
under foot
massaging between toes. ........................... this is a bit weak (overall) and that ambiguity of what is 'massaging between toes' needs addressing, for me.


A sea of trouble lulled
by the whisper of turning pages; ................ I like the idea, but I don't see how the 'troubles' previously identified (S1/L1) are 'lulled by N reading.
each wave’s murmured crescendo;
a beach chair’s insistent repose. .............. not keen on the beach chair line, and what does each crescendo achieve?

Games and puzzles and wine- .......... how does this square with 'turning pages''?
family time measured
by an umbrella’s shadow. .............. might not these two lines better follow 'aloed skin'? But the umbrella/sundial is nice.

Like the central idea, and some of the images, but perhaps it's a bit too compressed?

Best, Knot

.

Hi Knot,

Thanks for reading and comments.  Your suggestions are helpful.  I have posted an edit that addresses some but not all of the various suggestions.  Hopefully it's better.
Take care,
Bryn

[Bunx]

Not much I can do on this phone but say how much I love this content. I get imagery of beaches in war torn places through the eyes of whites tourist reading whatever news they paid for that morning. Maybe a number puzzle or something. Awesome content thanks for the early AM read

[Knot]

Hi Bryn,
I don't think either 'calls' or massaging' are pulling their weight. Not sure that 'seductive repose' is an improvement either. (Would a beach chair's seduction work? Or even the languor of a beach chair?)

Perhaps a bit of repetition might help with S2?

Sand in towels. Sand on clothes,
though mostly the sand is underfoot
... ?

As for that beach chair, might it be in the wrong verse?

a beach chair’s seductive repose.
Games and puzzles and wine-
The useful idleness
of anonymous days.

Wondered about 'accounted for' instead of 'measured'?

Best, Knot

.

[Strangerous]

Hi Bryn,

Each strophe consists of one or more fragments in the form of subjects without predicates. The effect is that of a still life. As such, the structure and setting -- as opposed to character, plot, metaphor, or symbolism -- perform most of the heavy lifting necessary to convey meaning. Of course, a still life is a valid expression of a poet's impression of a scene. I only mention it to highlight the technique.

Thanks,
Strangerous

[brynmawr1]

Hi Bryn,

Each strophe consists of one or more fragments in the form of subjects without predicates. The effect is that of a still life. As such, the structure and setting -- as opposed to character, plot, metaphor, or symbolism -- perform most of the heavy lifting necessary to convey meaning. Of course, a still life is a valid expression of a poet's impression of a scene. I only mention it to highlight the technique.

Thanks,
Strangerous

Thanks strangerous.  You’ve given me an idea for a new title.  ‘A Still Life’.

[Strangerous]

Hi Bryn,

Each strophe consists of one or more fragments in the form of subjects without predicates. The effect is that of a still life. As such, the structure and setting -- as opposed to character, plot, metaphor, or symbolism -- perform most of the heavy lifting necessary to convey meaning. Of course, a still life is a valid expression of a poet's impression of a scene. I only mention it to highlight the technique.

Thanks,
Strangerous

Thanks strangerous.  You’ve given me an idea for a new title.  ‘A Still Life’.

[Bunx]

Hi everyone
Just had to say hi. Also still love this poem about vacation especially the new titles