70's Love Song(edit)

[brynmawr1]

Tonight, on the menu
Chicken & Dijon Pan Sauce
with Brussel Sprouts
and Apple Rice,
a Blue Apron recipe.
 
Only Tuesday night, again the wife’s
been working late, she’s up soaking
out the grit of the day. Rod Stewart’s
down on the Sonos singing,
“Have I told you lately
that I love you?”
 
I’ve got the rice started, watching
to be sure it doesn’t boil over
before I can get on the Brussel sprouts
trying to keep the cut side down
but they keep flipping like turtles.
 
I’ve learned the hard way
I can't add the garlic too soon
or it will burn. Then the puppy
comes with her ravaged bear
(remember my heart)
on generation three or four
to play tug-o-war incessantly
the rice tries to overheat.
 
Periodically, the fire must be
stoked, fresh wood added
or it dwindles.  The melancholy
of the mandolin plays
 
in time with my chopping, I can’t
help singing along,
“You are my breath should I grow old
you are my lover, you’re my best friend…”
 
now the sprouts are browned and covered
to keep warm, apples cubed
and added to the rice, the chicken
 
cooked and set aside for a needed rest
to plump and recover its juices;
 
the sauce of Dijon, brown sugar, soy
and apple cider vinegar added
to the pan of fond, heated scraping
until slightly thickened then crème fraiche 
whisked in off heat.  I take care plating
 
waiting; she comes
hair wet and curled
nothing but robe and appetite.

[Wjames]

Tonight, on the menu
Chicken & Dijon
Pan Sauce with Brussel
Sprouts and Apple Rice,
a Blue Apron recipe. 
 
Only Tuesday night, already the wife’s Maybe "again" instead of "already"?
been working late, she’s up 
getting a hot bath. Rod Stewart’s
down on the Sonos singing
“Have I told you lately
that I love you?” 
 
I’ve got the rice started, watching
to be sure it doesn’t boil over I like the mirror image of the hot bath and boiling water.
before I can get the Brussel sprouts on
trying to keep the cut side down
but they keep flipping like turtles.
 
The hard way I’ve learned I can’t "The hard way I've learned" sort of sounds like Yoda speak to me - I think you can make it better.
add the garlic too soon
or it will burn. Then the puppy
comes with her ravaged bear
(remember my heart)
on generation three or four
to play tug-o-war incessantly
the rice tries to overheat. Going from the previous line to this one is a bit awkward. I think you could keep the same structure but connect the images in a cleaner way, i.e 

"playing tug-o-war alone,
rice trying to overheat."
 
Periodically, the fire must be
stoked, fresh wood added This is nice - the fire adds a lot to the image, makes me think of a wood stove.
or it dwindles.  The melancholy
of the mandolin playing
 
in time with my chopping, I can’t
help singing along,
“You are my breath should I grow old
you are my lover, you’re my best friend…”
 
now the sprouts are browned and covered
to keep them warm, apples cubed I'd cut "them".
and added to the rice, the chicken
 
cooked and set aside for a needed rest
to plump and recover their juices; To me ear, "its" reads better than "their" because chicken is more singular than plural to me. I think "their" would be better if you added "breast" after chicken two lines above to make it more plural.
 
the sauce of Dijon, brown sugar, soy
and apple cider vinegar added
to the pan of fond, heated scraping I really like "the pan of fond".
until slightly thickened then crème fraiche 
whisked in off heat.  I take care plating- This stanza is lovely.
 
Then there she is hair wet and curled,
nothing but robe and appetite.  

I think you can improve on "then there she is", or remove it.  i.e
"her hair is wet and curled
as she "input action",
nothing but robe and appetite." 

I really like "nothing but robe and appetite" to end.

Hey Bryn, there's lots of great images complimenting each other here, I like it a lot.

[brynmawr1]

Tonight, on the menu
Chicken & Dijon
Pan Sauce with Brussel
Sprouts and Apple Rice,
a Blue Apron recipe. 
 
Only Tuesday night, already the wife’s Maybe "again" instead of "already"?     Yes
been working late, she’s up 
getting a hot bath. Rod Stewart’s
down on the Sonos singing
“Have I told you lately
that I love you?” 
 
I’ve got the rice started, watching
to be sure it doesn’t boil over I like the mirror image of the hot bath and boiling water.
before I can get the Brussel sprouts on
trying to keep the cut side down
but they keep flipping like turtles.
 
The hard way I’ve learned I can’t "The hard way I've learned" sort of sounds like Yoda speak to me - I think you can make it better.  Right, you are
add the garlic too soon
or it will burn. Then the puppy
comes with her ravaged bear
(remember my heart)
on generation three or four
to play tug-o-war incessantly
the rice tries to overheat. Going from the previous line to this one is a bit awkward. I think you could keep the same structure but connect the images in a cleaner way, i.e          fancy enjambment resist I can't

"playing tug-o-war alone,
rice trying to overheat."
 
Periodically, the fire must be
stoked, fresh wood added This is nice - the fire adds a lot to the image, makes me think of a wood stove.
or it dwindles.  The melancholy
of the mandolin playing
 
in time with my chopping, I can’t
help singing along,
“You are my breath should I grow old
you are my lover, you’re my best friend…”
 
now the sprouts are browned and covered
to keep them warm, apples cubed I'd cut "them".      Yes, again
and added to the rice, the chicken
 
cooked and set aside for a needed rest
to plump and recover their juices; To me ear, "its" reads better than "their" because chicken is more singular than plural to me. I think "their" would be better if you added "breast" after chicken two lines above to make it more plural.     AND again!
 
the sauce of Dijon, brown sugar, soy
and apple cider vinegar added
to the pan of fond, heated scraping I really like "the pan of fond".
until slightly thickened then crème fraiche 
whisked in off heat.  I take care plating- This stanza is lovely.
 
Then there she is hair wet and curled,
nothing but robe and appetite.  

I think you can improve on "then there she is", or remove it.  i.e
"her hair is wet and curled
as she "input action",
nothing but robe and appetite." 

I really like "nothing but robe and appetite" to end.

Hey Bryn, there's lots of great images complimenting each other here, I like it a lot.

Hey Wjames,
Thanks for coming by to give such helpful comments.  I will make edits as indicated.  One question I have is whether the quotes from the song really work or are just meh.
thanks again,
bryn

[Knot]

Hi Bryn,
like the title, and the scene. Just seems a bit too long (and slightly repetitive. I like sprouts as much as the next man, but there seem to be a few too many here.)


Tuesday night, the wife’s been working ………… not sure about ‘the wife’ (doesn’t seem to fit the mood.)
late again, she’s up soaking out the grit
Rod Stewart’s on the Sonos singing,
“Have I told you lately that I love you?”

I’ve got the rice started, watching
to be sure it doesn’t boil over
Tonight, a Blue Apron recipe,
Chicken & Dijon Pan Sauce

I’ve learned the hard way
I can't add the garlic too soon
or it will burn. That, the fire
must be stoked or it dwindles. ………………… is ‘stoked’ the right word?

The melancholy of the mandolin
plays in time with my chopping, ………………. could these two lines be reversed?
I can’t help singing along,
“You are my breath should I grow old … “

and here she comes hair still wet
in(?) nothing but robe and appetite.


Best, Knot


.

[brynmawr1]

Hi Bryn,
like the title, and the scene. Just seems a bit too long (and slightly repetitive. I like sprouts as much as the next man, but there seem to be a few too many here.)


Tuesday night, the wife’s been working ………… not sure about ‘the wife’ (doesn’t seem to fit the mood.) agreed
late again, she’s up soaking out the grit
Rod Stewart’s on the Sonos singing,
“Have I told you lately that I love you?”

I’ve got the rice started, watching
to be sure it doesn’t boil over
Tonight, a Blue Apron recipe,
Chicken & Dijon Pan Sauce

I’ve learned the hard way
I can't add the garlic too soon
or it will burn. That, the fire
must be stoked or it dwindles. ………………… is ‘stoked’ the right word?  tended?

The melancholy of the mandolin
plays in time with my chopping, ………………. could these two lines be reversed?    the first two, I assume?
I can’t help singing along,
“You are my breath should I grow old … “

and here she comes hair still wet
in(?) nothing but robe and appetite.


Best, Knot


.

Thanks Knot.  I see what you mean.  Time for the chopping block.
bryn

[Knot]

Hi bryn.

the first two, I assume?
Yes. Though I do like N’s perception of things (the mandolin keeping time with them not the other way round) but the proximity of singing/chopping hits a wrong note, for me.


and here she comes hair still wet
wearing nothing but her appetite.


Best, Knot


.

.

[crow]

I think these are lyrics, or should be. Does that sound right?

[brynmawr1]

I think these are lyrics, or should be. Does that sound right?

Hi Crow,

Thanks for stopping by.  I am not a musician so it is hard for me to "hear" it with music.  I'll take your suggestion as a compliment, though!
Take care,
bryn

[crow]

I feel like the punctuation here is very intentional. Can I throw a proofread at you? And then you can make sure all your marks are what you want?



70’s Love Song [read: '70s Love Song]

Tonight, on the menu[:]
[“]Chicken & Dijon Pan Sauce
[“]with Brussel[s] Sprouts
[“]and Apple Rice,[”]
a Blue Apron recipe.
 
Only Tuesday night, again the wife’s
been working late[.] [S]he’s up soaking
out the grit of the day. Rod Stewart’s
down on the Sonos singing,
“Have I told you lately
that I love you?”
 
I’ve got the rice started, watching
to be sure it doesn’t boil over
before I can get on the Brussel[s[?]] sprouts[,]
trying to keep the cut side[s] down[—]
but they keep flipping like turtles. 
 
I’ve learned the hard way
I can't add the garlic too soon[,]
or it will burn. Then the puppy
comes with her ravaged bear
(remember my heart)
on generation three or four
to play tug-o-war incessantly[—]
the rice tries to overheat.
 
Periodically, the fire must be
stoked, fresh wood added
or it dwindles[.] The melancholy
of the mandolin plays
 
in time with my chopping[.] I can’t
help singing along[:]
“You are my breath should I grow old
you are my lover[. Y]ou’re my best friend [. . . ]”[.]
 
[N]ow[,] the sprouts are browned and covered
to keep warm[;] apples cubed
and added to the rice[;] the chicken
 
cooked and set aside for a needed rest
to plump and recover its juices;
 
the sauce of Dijon, brown sugar, soy
and apple cider vinegar[;] added
to the pan of fond[;] heated scraping
until slightly thickened[,] then crème fraiche 
whisked in off heat[.] I take care plating[,]
 
waiting; she comes[,]
hair wet and curled[,]
nothing but robe and appetite.

---

If this is just Eve and the Apple, get the syntax perfect.

[JamesG]

I really like this poem, it sets a loving, domestic scene very well, there is something very seductive about it. My only caveat would be,I think, that I would prefer the stanzas and line breaks to be more consistent, except the last three lines, and I am not a fan of the “Have I told you lately that I love you?”, which seems a bit too obvious.

Overall it is great though, well done.

[brynmawr1]

I really like this poem, it sets a loving, domestic scene very well, there is something very seductive about it. My only caveat would be,I think, that I would prefer the stanzas and line breaks to be more consistent, except the last three lines, and I am not a fan of the “Have I told you lately that I love you?”, which seems a bit too obvious.

Overall it is great though, well done.

Hi James,
Thanks for reading and commenting.  I have always been a little unsure how to integrate the lyrics without being too much of one thing or another.  I have been meaning to come back to this one so thanks for bring it back to my attention.
Bryn