Who Are You?

[Lizzie]

It was dark inside the rabbit hole. 
People calling out above with questions,
urging me to climb the crumbling wall.
They are multiplying like mosquitoes

pacing over window screens at night—
strange like clock alarms in sleep, becoming
detail for the story of the dream,
never sharp enough to pierce the bubble.

Faces try to catch me with their eyes;
gazes pulling, drawing up their baskets.
Who decides what happens next? The wall
slicks with rain, and nightfall's asking questions.

Quiet settles like a gentle smoke.
Maybe there's no bottom, only center?
Alice says, "The best way out is through—
take my hand and we'll fall down together."

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Lizzie-
The Alice in Wonderland underlying theme just gets in the way, for me. That theme conjures so much imagery that it blocks my view.

That underlying theme may work fine for others. For me, though, this story/poem would be more effective grounded in your personal reality. 

It was dark inside the rabbit hole.
People calling out above with questions,
urging me to climb the crumbling wall.
They are multiplying like mosquitoes  good line

pacing over window screens at night—  perhaps 'probing' instead. Hard to picture screens in the hole.
strange like clock alarms in sleep, becoming  comma after 'strange, '
detail for the story of the dream,  not sure what this line means
never sharp enough to pierce the bubble.  suddenly there's a bubble in the rabbit hole

Faces try to catch me with their eyes;  good line
gazes pulling, drawing up their baskets.  don't recall them dropping baskets into the rabbit hole
Who decides what happens next? The wall  odd question, me thinks
slicks with rain, and nightfall's asking questions. An example question would help here.

Quiet settles like a gentle smoke.  good line, except for 'a'
Maybe there's no bottom, only center? 
Alice says the best way out is through—  good phrase
take my hand and we'll fall down together.  if the way out is through, then why 'fall down'?


This would read better (for me) as a description of a dream, without the Alice connection.

- Mark

[Lizzie]

Probably best to just bin it. Thanks for the feedback.

[TranquillityBase]

It was dark inside the rabbit hole. 
People calling out above with questions,    maybe move "above" to make it second word in line
urging me to climb the crumbling wall.
They are multiplying like mosquitoes

pacing over window screens at night—
strange like clock alarms in sleep, becoming    an alarm would lead to waking, maybe some other type of interruption; "clocks ticking" (?)
detail for the story of the dream,
never sharp enough to pierce the bubble.

Faces try to catch me with their eyes;
gazes pulling, drawing up their baskets.
Who decides what happens next? The wall
slicks with rain, and nightfall's asking questions.   second instance of questions, maybe nightfall could respond in some other way

Quiet settles like a gentle smoke.             smoke would be choking, maybe "fog"
Maybe there's no bottom, only center?
Alice says the best way out is through—
take my hand and we'll fall down together.

Lizzie,

Please don't bin it, or at least reconsider.  There is much to like about this poem, most of it in fact.  As Mark said, it being an alternative Alice gets in the way.  Simply giving your protagonist a different name would do wonders.  That way, the Alice parallel would suggest itself to most readers and add to the experience, rather than make them compare it to Alice.

TqB

[Mark A Becker]

No need to bin it Lizzie-

Alice's dream-like tale lends itself very well to inspiring a bizarre dream-like poem. If I could remember any of my really weird dreams within five minutes of waking, I would attempt it.  But I'm too groggy to even be able to jot them down, and then they're gone... And if I try to re-assemble them I totally jank it up.

That said, there are elements in your poem that could be expanded to great effect. Go for it!

- Mark

[Lizzie]

Thank you for the feedback. 

The reason that I'm saying to scrap it is that there's simply no way to revise it if there's not good bones. I did put it in intensive with serious intent, however it seems as if the flaws are so pervasive as to be prohibitive of future re-writes. I'm not looking for encouragement, please; it's an issue of pragmatism. 

I am struggling to understand how or why I wouldn't be seen as making conscious choices. On the issue of the repetition of "questions," it was an attempt at a subtle kind of refrain -- a recapitulation of a significant theme. Whether it's good... jury seems to say no, and I accept that.

As to the smoke, I suppose I can't ruin the poem any more by explaining, so I'll say that I don't recall Alice being adversely affected in spite of her significant exposure to second hand smoke. However, that doesn't mean that it's the right word for the piece. 

As to this issue of the clock, perhaps that's an assumption of normativity on my part that the experience of not waking up immediately to an alarm but having it become part of the dream for a little bit, becoming slightly more intrusive until the sleeper wakes, that this is a common experience. 

I was once given some thought-provoking feedback from someone here on the forum named milo. He asked me in a thread for another poem what would happen if I stopped trying to explain and learned to trust my reader. I found this advice compelling; however it might be one of those magical, milo tricks that only he can get away with.

[Mark A Becker]

... what would happen if I stopped trying to explain and learned to trust my reader. I found this advice compelling; however it might be one of those magical, milo tricks that only he can get away with.

Well Lizzie-
milo gave good advice. Any 'explaining' should take place within the poem, while leaving it open to multiple readers' multiple interpretations. 

I personally try not to expect a reader to do research in order to grasp the subject. The Alice aspect of your poem would have required me to revisit that story for 'clues', and frankly, I'm too damn lazy to do that.

I've read many poems that reference subjects (esp mythologoies) that I am also too lazy to try to parse. What some consider common literary, or historical, knowledge usually leaves me feeling like a dumb ass- not part of the "in-the-know-club".

That said, I've read many poem here that have caused me to research after reading the poem, because those poems made me really curious. And I love when that happens.

I will scrap a poem that doesn't get traction with readers, since it becomes very tedious to convey whatever the hell was going through my head to begin with, without having to start over again. So, I definitely do get it. 

I really like the constructive criticism on this site, because I trust and appreciate the readers and writers here. And that includes you.

Hope that all made sense,
-Mark

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Lizzie,

I agree with others that your poem could benefit a lot from switching out the title for something with a more subtle alice reference. Overall I enjoyed the read! Some line-by-line below.

It was dark inside the rabbit hole. 
People calling out above with questions,
urging me to climb the crumbling wall.
They are multiplying like mosquitoes I like this line because it makes me wonder if the N is being bitten by mosquitoes in the rabbit hole which is why they makes this comparison

pacing over window screens at night— "pacing" coming right after mosquitoes sounds wrong. could another more flexible verb replace it to refer to both mosquitoes and the people above?
strange like clock alarms in sleep, becoming
detail for the story of the dream, love the comparison of their voices to alarm clocks and how the N elaborates on the comparison
never sharp enough to pierce the bubble.

Faces try to catch me with their eyes; neat phrasing
gazes pulling, drawing up their baskets.
Who decides what happens next? The wall the baskets/happens slant rhyme makes this enjoyable to read aloud
slicks with rain, and nightfall's asking questions. same for happens/questions

Quiet settles like a gentle smoke. while "gentle smoke" is nice, it kind of feels like it was pulled out of nowhere, unless I'm missing something
Maybe there's no bottom, only center?
Alice says the best way out is through—
take my hand and we'll fall down together. This is the first time the N refers to the R directly in the poem and I'm not sure who the R is supposed to be. I didn't know I was also in the rabbit hole with the speaker, so maybe if you were to include a detail that clarifies this earlier in the poem it would be a little less jarring.

Thank you for sharing,
AR

[Quixilated]

It’s dark inside the rabbit hole.   The rest of the poem is in present tense, which draws the reader into the action with the narrator.  If these first lines also change to present, the reader can start out inside the rabbit hole with the narrator. 
People calling out from above with questions,
urging me to climb the crumbling wall.
Their voices multiplying like the mosquitoes. This seems like an auditory image, the mosquitos (most often associated with humming) and then into the alarm clock—this is a sound clip, mentioning their voices helps me hear the mosquito hum of overlapping advice. 

that pace over my window screens at night—
strange, like clock alarms in sleep, they become
detail for the story of the dream,
never sharp enough to pierce the bubble.  This sentence gets a bit long.  I could probably be divided into two without changing the meaning, but it would make it easier for the reader.  A period after night, or after sleep?  

Faces try to catch me with their eyes;
gazes pulling, drawing up their baskets.
Who decides what happens next? The wall
slicks with rain, and nightfall's asking questions.  The wetness of the wall means escape is now even harder for the narrator. I don’t know what “nightfall’s asking questions” means, but it might just be me.

Quiet settles like a gentle smoke.  I love this line, I picture it like the fog that hangs suspended in the air, a blanket of opaque to further separate the narrator from the people at the top. 
Maybe there's no bottom, only center?
Alice says, “The best way out is through—
take my hand and we'll fall down together.”  Of course Alice is there, it’s her rabbit hole.
 I think it should be a direct quote. It reminds me of Winston Churchill’s “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” Similar sentiment at least. 
 It’s a bit dubious that she is giving advice to the narrator about how to get out seeing as how she also appears to be still in the tunnel, but then Alice is not known   for doing logical things, so it works.  

When I read this I see that the narrator has fallen into Alice’s rabbit hole and at the end Alice shows up to guide the narrator out (or through, or further into the madness …). Perhaps this is incorrect, but it’s how it reads to me.  

I like the story of it and the ending.  Some of the imagery in the middle gets a bit vague which makes it hard for the reader to stay right there with the narrator.  But as the theme seems to be separation from reality or from other people in a Wonderland style, a bit of confusion seems like it comes with the territory.  

I’m always a sucker for Wonderland.  I hope something in all my rambling was helpful. 

—Quix


-----------------
Edit afterthought:

I feel like others are seeing the title "Alice" and the word 'rabbit hole,' and are drawing the conclusion that the narrator is Alice, which would mean that when Alice speaks at the end, she is speaking to the reader, or to any unknown others who fall down.  I feel like it's pretty clear (at least on the second reading if not the first) that the narrator is not Alice. Alice is speaking to the narrator at the end of the poem, drawing the narrator further in (in my opinion further into the madness, not out of it, but that's my own interpretation).   If I am wrong, feel free to disregard me.  But if this was your intention, it would be an easy fix to separate the voice of the narrator from the voice of Alice.  If you simply change the very last line to ‘she takes my hand and we fall down together.’  Then it becomes very clear that Alice is speaking to the narrator and is not the narrator.  

Also, not that this helps with editing or anything, but I read this as a description of the narrator falling into a state of mental illness.  It could be anxiety, depression, or a number of any other things, there are many things that make a person feel distant from people and the world. I like that it isn't too specific so it would apply to a variety of similar experiences. I cannot tell if Alice in the poem is being helpful and showing the narrator how to endure and/or how to eventually get out, or if Alice is being unhelpful and drawing the narrator further into the illness like a lure.  Perhaps it's also ok for that to be left open for the reader to interpret.  

Anyway, please don't scrap it.  I think it has very good bones and doesn't need too much tinkering, just a few tiny tweaks here and there to clear up confusion or to smooth things out.  Happy editing. 

[Lizzie]

Thank you alonso and Quix for sharing your thoughts. Much appreciated.

[TranquillityBase]

I feel like others are seeing the title "Alice" and the word 'rabbit hole,' and are drawing the conclusion that the narrator is Alice, which would mean that when Alice speaks at the end, she is speaking to the reader, or to any unknown others who fall down.  

This is exactly what happened to me.  Mea culpa for being a lazy reader.  Re-reading the poem with that in mind, I respond to it in a whole new way.  I no longer see anything to object to.  It's a fine poem just as it stands.

TqB

[Mark A Becker]

Much tighter now, Lizzie. The dream-like psychosis is more powerful.
Alice introduced at the ending was a good move, and works much better with mention of the rabbit hole at the beginning.
You found the bones-

-Mark

[busker]

It was dark inside the rabbit hole. 
People calling out above with questions,
urging me to climb the crumbling wall.
They are multiplying like mosquitoes ....brilliant

pacing over window screens at night— ....I can't quite place the 'window screens', but it's a niggle
strange like clock alarms in sleep, becoming
detail for the story of the dream,
never sharp enough to pierce the bubble. ....brilliant again

Faces try to catch me with their eyes;
gazes pulling, drawing up their baskets.
Who decides what happens next? The wall
slicks with rain, and nightfall's asking questions. ....the personification of nightfall - if that's what's going on here, makes me do a double take

Quiet settles like a gentle smoke.
Maybe there's no bottom, only center? ....sets up the last line
Alice says the best way out is through—
take my hand and we'll fall down together. ....brilliant

This is outstanding stuff. Not much to improve on this version, in my book.