I’ve been struggling with this for months, so thought I’d workshop it.
What they saw (Edit 1.0)
1: Olive*
Fruit
from the tree of life I bring
to spread the taste of worlds
to come, and words
borne fruit.
In him I saw the daylight,
Ananias,
emerging from the womb.
2: Yggdrasil
The nine worlds are
its reach,
with room for the gods,
even unto their doom.
Sun eludes the rider
travelling in its shade for days,
which is nothing,
even a hundred years
is nothing.*
3: Kalpavriksha
It came out of the sea,
the churning ocean
bearing precious gifts:
eternal life, bartered and stolen,
and death,
but for the blue throated one.*
4: Bodhi
But not being born, Ananda,
is the greatest gift of all.
Nothing awaits them
through endless cycles of grief,
and the search for a house
that’s a stranger to sorrow.*
5: Zaqqum
For the rest is a fire prepared -
for man and jinn -
one not overtaken
by sleep
watching over them*
References (in order):
1) a fruit rich in allusion, from the Mount of Olives to Gethesemane, and even in the OT The restoration of Paul’s sight / spiritual rebirth 2) The rider riding in the shade of a tree for 100 years is Islamic Hadith, not Norse lore, but some liberties have been taken to avoid two Islamic references in the poem. If anything Yggdrasil was bigger than the Touba of Jannah 3) The wish-fulfilling tree emerged from the churning of the ocean of milk. The story, which includes the episode of Siva's throat turning blue, can be seen here: Churning of the ocean of milk | Hindu mythology | Britannica 4) Some more context: Thig 10 Kīsā Gotamī (dhammatalks.org) 5) One of the most admired verses in the Quran: Surah Al-Baqarah - Ayatul Kursi - Quran.com
Original:
What they saw
Fruit
from the tree of life I bring
to spread the taste of worlds
to come, and words
borne fruit.
Sun eludes the rider,
travelling in its shade
for days. Yggdrasil
called, and in the wind its leaves
sing the churning oceans.
Its shade stretches.
immense as the darkness of the tomb.
But daylight, Ananias,
I saw in him,
emerging from the womb.
Hi busker-
Below I pulled the parts that struck me, and also made some comments:
from the tree of life I bring
the taste of worlds
to come
More description of the tree, here, would help this reader. Unless I know that Yggdrasil is a sacred tree, I stop and am perplexed. More about the mysterious rider would be good, as well.
in the wind its leaves
sing the churning oceans.'like churning' instead of 'the churning'? Its shade stretches
immense as the darkness of the tomb.
Not being born
is the greatest gift of all.
the one who never sleeps
watching over them
I think the tone/subject of the footnotes needs to be reflected within the body of the poem. It's a bit of 'cheating' to expect that readers will need to digest the notes to better understand the poem: the poem should stand on it's own.
If possible, the title might be able to convey a bit of the subject, in lieu of the notes.
The mixing of spiritual/faith tradition metaphors confuses me- not sure how you can solve that. Might I suggest a dialogue style? Or even a monologue? A conversational style may help.
You are trying to cover a lot of ground, busker, and I have a hard time pulling out of the shade (of Yggdrasil) in order for the light to appear in my mind's eye.
Maybe you should try to approach it from another angle.
Since you mentioned that you have been struggling with this one, I thought that I should let know you that I took notice. I don't know that I've been much help, but I wanted to at least leave you with some the impressions I got from your poem.
I know that you're savvy enough to get this one to work. Let it sit, and simmer, and try to read it anew. Good luck,
...Mark
Thanks, Mark. These are some very helpful observations.
You’re right in that it’s been a challenge to bring together disparate theologies and world views
I started getting into the New Testament a little bit last year, trying to understand the psychology of Paul, and the worldview of the early Christians. I’ll always be a dilettante in these matters, because my day job is in a completely different area, and my interests are wide rather than deep.
I have also been interested in the mohammedan worldview, and of all the Abrahamic religions I find Islam to be the most coherent, theologically. But that’s just the Abrahamic tradition, while Buddhist / Hindu beliefs are quite different. They all say different things, but provide some meaning to their adherents, and they’re all wrong. Somewhere in this there’s a poem, but this is not it. It’s too disjointed.
I like the idea of a dialogue. Maybe that can work.
(01-20-2023, 03:56 PM)busker Wrote: I’ve been struggling with this for months, so thought I’d workshop it.
What they saw
Fruit
from the tree of life I bring
to spread the taste of worlds
to come, and words
borne fruit. did you mean words borne by fruit? I think word borne fruit ....
Sun eludes the rider,
travelling in its shade
for days. Yggdrasil The World Tree? instead of using a proper name.
called, and in the wind its leaves called to the rider? if or not, needs to be shown who receives the call
sing the churning oceans.
Its shade stretches.
immense as the darkness of the tomb.
But daylight, Ananias,
I saw in him,
emerging from the womb. This stanza is pretty cryptic for this reader.
I know you are going to let this simmer, but I assume it's still open for comments.
I assumed the footnotes were just to give us some insight into your sources, and not to be part of the final poem. I checked them out (admittedly briefly), they helped but even with them I can't put all those lines together into a coherent whole. I only skimmed Mark's comments, so maybe repeating stuff here.
All that said, it's a very interesting read and I do hope to see here your next version.
(01-20-2023, 03:56 PM)busker Wrote: I’ve been struggling with this for months, so thought I’d workshop it.
What they saw (Edit 1.0)
1: Olive
Fruit
from the tree of life I bring
to spread the taste of worlds
to come, and words
borne fruit.
In him I saw the daylight, In Ananias I saw the daylight?
Ananias,
emerging from the womb. this line eludes me
2: Yggdrasil
The nine worlds are
its reach, with room
for gods and poetry,
even unto
the doom.
Sun eludes the rider
travelling in its shade for days,
which is nothing,
even a hundred years
is nothing.
3: Kalpavriksha
It came out of the sea,
the churning ocean
bearing precious gifts:
eternal life, bartered and stolen,
and death,
but for the blue throated one. this reference also eludes me
4: Bodhi
But not being born, Ananda,
is the greatest gift of all.
Nothing awaits them
through endless cycles of grief,
and the search
for a house
that’s a stranger to sorrow.
5: Zaqqum
For the rest is a fire prepared -
for man and jinn -
by one
not overtaken by sleep,
watching over them
It would be helpful if the title would somehow clue the reader into the idea that these are five trees that you are referencing. Perhaps many readers would guess that; Olive, Yggdrasil and Bodhi may be common enough references, but I still needed to look up the latter two to be sure.
Or perhaps the identification of them as trees could be made part of the individual subtitles?
Other than that, and the two lines I noted, it's a fine series of short poems, each with its own special revelation, that cohere as a single poem.
Hi busker-
I very much like this revision, and feel you are getting very close now. I few comments:
What they saw (Edit 1.0)
1: Olive*
Fruit from the tree of life I'd re-arrange the line breaks
I bring, to spread the taste
of worlds to come, and words
borne fruit. I think the part I struck doesn't add anything.
In him I saw the daylight, Maybe 'new light' or something like that, once the scales are removed from Paul's eyes.
Ananias,
emerging from the tomb. I suggest 'tomb', as Paul adamantly preaches the resurrection after his road to Damascus conversion.
2: Yggdrasil * Be consistent with the *
The nine worlds are
its reach,
with room for the gods,
even unto their doom.
Sun eludes the rider
travelling in its shade for days,
which is nothing,
even a hundred years
is nothing.
3: Kalpavriksha *
It came out of the sea,
the churning ocean
bearing precious gifts:
eternal life, bartered and stolen,
and death,
but for the blue throated one.
4: Bodhi *
But not being born, Ananda,
is the greatest gift of all.
Nothing awaits them
through endless cycles of grief,
and the search for a house
that’s a stranger to sorrow.
5: Zaqqum *
For the rest is a fire prepared -
for man and jinn -
one not overtaken
by sleep
watching over them
I'm familiar with Christianity, but not as familiar with the other faith traditions your poem speaks to. I appreciate your search; your research.
Though I agree with most of them, I suggest re-working some of your line breaks.
Thought provoking piece, busker.
Thanks,
Mark
(02-05-2023, 09:20 AM)busker Wrote: Thanks, TqB.
I’ve added a few footnotes on the references
Excellent. I personally like footnotes and don't believe they take anything away from the enjoyment of a poem, even though my sense is that many readers find fault with the idea.
I agree with Mark regarding "tomb" instead of "womb" in section 1. That would make the line accessible to me.
Thanks, TqB and Mark. I thought workshopping this one would help progress it. I was not disappointed.
What I greatly appreciate is the amount of thought that went into the crits, despite the repeated readings caused by the 3 versions.
Well, what's to be said about this one except that it reads like an absolute dream. If someone had interrupted me while I was reading this, I would have asked them what the eff they wanted. Until.....the last stanza, when the gentle road through the forest of ideas turned to a gravel road pockmarked with potholes, and I flew over the handlebars of my bike and am now covered in bruises. I'll be suing you for damages -- expect a call.
Are you quoting from the Quran? That would explain the shift in tone. I don't know if it's culturally insensitive to paraphrase such an important work, but please find a workaround or just another topic for the ending.
The piece doesn't read as disjointed (until the end) because the music is the through line.
I have no quibble with the content, but I like comparative religion so much that it was one of my majors in university. I say that to acknowledge that I may be more of the target audience for this piece than most. I wouldn't expect everyone to react the same way.
It's nice to see the universe rewarding hard work. In the tone of the British, it's not bad.
