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Sand castle
smoothed over
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage,
misty white sun
the only witness
....
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(05-23-2022, 11:23 PM)Semicircle Wrote: On the knotted beach
castles built-
smoothed over
into glass,
thin water
swept sea foam
into ribcages,
and the misty white sun
stretched out like an eye,
draining all color
from the world.
I'm not keen on "knotted" beach for some reason.
What about "Beach castles built-" as a first line.
I'd also suggest something more than "thin water"...or delete it and say "sea foam swept...."
The rest is very good in my reading.
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Thanks for the suggestion tqb, I have adjusted accordingly.
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No critique
- just saying that i like it
it reads very well
cheers 
 wae aye man ye radgie
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Hey Semi-
I really like the image you're going for. I know what you mean by "beach castles", but why not just call 'em 'sand castles'. Nothing wrong with that more familiar term; do you really call 'em "beach castles", or were you just trying to change it up? I also think that going singular might work better, ie 'castle', which is more intimate.
Also, not sure that an eye would be draining color, but I really like "misty white sun like an eye". Try to envision the effect that the 'misty white sun' really causes. I don't see it 'draining' in my mind's eye'. The lines following the simile 'like an eye' are going to be hard to come by, but are crucial.
Tightening this one down a bit more could produce a very good piece, so I'm suggesting some further subtraction, except for the bolded words I added.
This could be a tough puzzle to solve, but would be worth it. Maybe just let it alone, and come back to it in a day, week, or year...
Sand castle
smoothed over
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage,
and the misty white sun
like an eye,
?????
?????
(05-24-2022, 10:52 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hey Semi-
I really like the image you're going for. I know what you mean by "beach castles", but why not just call 'em 'sand castles'. Nothing wrong with that more familiar term; do you really call 'em "beach castles", or were you just trying to change it up? I also think that going singular might work better, ie 'castle', which is more intimate.
Also, not sure that an eye would be draining color, but I really like "misty white sun like an eye". Try to envision the effect that the 'misty white sun' really causes. I don't see it 'draining' in my mind's eye'. The lines following the simile 'like an eye' are going to be hard to come by, but are crucial.
Tightening this one down a bit more could produce a very good piece, so I'm suggesting some further subtraction, except for the bolded words I added.
This could be a tough puzzle to solve, but would be worth it. Maybe just let it alone, and come back to it in a day, week, or year...
Sand castle
smoothed over
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage,
and the misty white sun
like an eye,
?????
?????
I thought about it some more, and see the dilema of two metaphors in close proximity: castle/rib cage ; sun/eye. A simple modifier for 'eye' might work, eg "unwavering eye".
and the misty white sun,
like an unwavering eye.
ps. you might want to re-think the title, as well. Waves always destroy sand castles, and the impartial, hot sun just keeps beating down, like it always does. As combined metaphors, they suggest feelings of powerlessness.
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(05-24-2022, 10:52 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hey Semi-
I really like the image you're going for. I know what you mean by "beach castles", but why not just call 'em 'sand castles'. Nothing wrong with that more familiar term; do you really call 'em "beach castles", or were you just trying to change it up? I also think that going singular might work better, ie 'castle', which is more intimate.
Also, not sure that an eye would be draining color, but I really like "misty white sun like an eye". Try to envision the effect that the 'misty white sun' really causes. I don't see it 'draining' in my mind's eye'. The lines following the simile 'like an eye' are going to be hard to come by, but are crucial.
Tightening this one down a bit more could produce a very good piece, so I'm suggesting some further subtraction, except for the bolded words I added.
This could be a tough puzzle to solve, but would be worth it. Maybe just let it alone, and come back to it in a day, week, or year...
Sand castle
smoothed over
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage,
and the misty white sun
like an eye,
?????
?????
(05-24-2022, 10:52 PM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hey Semi-
I really like the image you're going for. I know what you mean by "beach castles", but why not just call 'em 'sand castles'. Nothing wrong with that more familiar term; do you really call 'em "beach castles", or were you just trying to change it up? I also think that going singular might work better, ie 'castle', which is more intimate.
Also, not sure that an eye would be draining color, but I really like "misty white sun like an eye". Try to envision the effect that the 'misty white sun' really causes. I don't see it 'draining' in my mind's eye'. The lines following the simile 'like an eye' are going to be hard to come by, but are crucial.
Tightening this one down a bit more could produce a very good piece, so I'm suggesting some further subtraction, except for the bolded words I added.
This could be a tough puzzle to solve, but would be worth it. Maybe just let it alone, and come back to it in a day, week, or year...
Sand castle
smoothed over
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage,
and the misty white sun
like an eye,
?????
?????
I thought about it some more, and see the dilema of two metaphors in close proximity: castle/rib cage ; sun/eye. A simple modifier for 'eye' might work, eg "unwavering eye".
and the misty white sun,
like an unwavering eye.
ps. you might want to re-think the title, as well. Waves always destroy sand castles, and the impartial, hot sun just keeps beating down, like it always does. As combined metaphors, they suggest feelings of powerlessness.
appreciate it ambrose 
I call them sand castles. Figured ambiguity might help the poem. I realize it was a bit unnecessary.
My goal for the 'eternal bliss' title, was to show how bleak it would be; how life shaves away when you've submitted to bliss.
You have given me a lot to work with, thank you very much Mark. I'll give this some thought.
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Joined: Feb 2022
I think I've hacked it... what do you think Mark?
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OK Semi,
Sand castle
smoothed over
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage,
and the misty white sun
like a stalwart eye what???
shedding a single tear, the sun don't cry, even in poems. That's almost like sayin 'sunshine raining down'. Get it?
evaporates 'eyes' maybe, but the 'sun' does not evaporate- it evaporates other stuff.
the atmosphere. Really? C'mon man. The whole thing crashes here. Especially when there are plenty of slant rhymes that could work way better. Every word counts extra in these short ones. If you're going to force a rhyme, simply because you gotta have it, then it's best to re-think that approach.
The lines after "white sun" read like mental masturbation- trying to pull it toward poetic ejaculation. I'm afraid you're overthinking this short one- please VISUALIZE the scene that you're describing. It doesn't have to be completely realistic, but it needs to be close, ie ACCURATE, because the first five lines are accurate.
I really like the idea, so stop trying to mess it up, and LET IT TELL YOU how to write it. OK?
Mark
Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
(06-02-2022, 04:36 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: OK Semi,
Sand castle
smoothed over
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage,
and the misty white sun
like a stalwart eye what???
shedding a single tear, the sun don't cry, even in poems. That's almost like sayin 'sunshine raining down'. Get it?
evaporates 'eyes' maybe, but the 'sun' does not evaporate- it evaporates other stuff.
the atmosphere. Really? C'mon man. The whole thing crashes here. Especially when there are plenty of slant rhymes that could work way better. Every word counts extra in these short ones. If you're going to force a rhyme, simply because you gotta have it, then it's best to re-think that approach.
The lines after "white sun" read like mental masturbation- trying to pull it toward poetic ejaculation. I'm afraid you're overthinking this short one- please VISUALIZE the scene that you're describing. It doesn't have to be completely realistic, but it needs to be close, ie ACCURATE, because the first five lines are accurate.
I really like the idea, so stop trying to mess it up, and LET IT TELL YOU how to write it. OK?
Mark
Darn, suppose that was a bit of a fart in the wind. Definitely sounded better in my head.
Back to the drawing board.
Bit difficult to hack, requires more thought than I expected.
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(05-23-2022, 11:23 PM)Semicircle Wrote: Sand castle
smoothed over
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage. period here
and A misty white sun
like an eye "the only witness."?
....
Hi SC,
I like the edits so far. I made some suggestions above.
Thanks,
bryn
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