Draft 3: Forever Legacy

[alonso ramoran]

Let colonizers who drain the springs,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble,
and blur my memory into rainbows
that smell of hose water. Forget me in the way
the wind remembers breath.

Draft 2: Abiding Legacy

Let conquerors who taste every spring,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble,
and leave my memory in rainbows
that smell of hose water. Forget me in the way
the wind remembers breath.


Draft 1: Abiding Legacy

Let conquerors who taste every spring,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble—
I'll leave your memory
in rainbows that smell of hose water
to forget you in the way
the wind remembers breath.

[Tiger the Lion]

Let conquerors who taste every spring,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble—
I'll leave your memory
in rainbows that smell of hose water
to forget you in the way
the wind remembers breath.

Hey Velasco. Very well done. I'm not ready with a line by line at this moment but I'll be back. Just wanted to say that "smell of hose water" immediately transported me back forty years. Fantastic image. I just wrote 4 haiku ending with that line and I'm a little jealous it belongs to you.   I'll be back.
Paul

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Velasco-
some in-line comments, below:

Let conquerors who taste every spring, upon re-reading this seems archaic in light of what comes after
expecting youth, turn to dead marble— strong image, esp "dead"
I'll leave your memory  The entire last section could be a poem on its own.
in rainbows that smell of hose water  Yes! Great image- I've seen those rainbows, too.
to forget you in the way I'm a bit confused by the word 'forget', because we don't really forget.
the wind remembers breath. The bolded part is outstanding.

I'd like to like this piece more, yet the opening doesn't seem to resonate for what follows (for this reader.)
'Conquerors' just seems out of place, and the word "every" is not specific enough: I'm thinking along the lines of people who chase after spring expecting to stay young forever.  Or at least be immortalized, in dead marble, thereafter. 

I'm confused by "forget you" because the "rainbows that smell of hose water" seem to me to convey a strong sense of endearment.

Unless I'm way off base this poem says (to me): many people (conquerors) choose elaborate head stones for their graves, whereas your subject has chosen creamation. And you are watering the ashes.

Thanks for sharing this,
Mark

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again Velasco-

Your poem struck me in such a way that I needed to revisit it.

If I change two words it felt very much closer to my heart: instead of "forget you", perhaps "remind me" ??

That said, I still think the opening needs work. The more I read it the less I like "conquerors who taste every spring"

Also- finding a rhyme/slant rhyme for 'breath' would also make that last word pop.  I can bet that you already tried, and rejected the word 'death'.  (Perhaps, "memory to rest" ?? or something like that.)

You are on to a very powerful piece here, Velasco.  You've obviously thought this one through, and I hope that my suggestions can add a spark toward its completion.

Thanks again,
Mark

[brynmawr1]

Let conquerors who taste every spring,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble—
I'll leave your memory
in rainbows that smell of hose water
to forget you in the way
the wind remembers breath.

Hi Velasco,
In regard to MB's comments about the first line, I agree that "conquerors" lacks something.  Even though it is less specific maybe use "those who" and change "every" to "the", ie "Let those who taste the spring".  The caveat would be if you are thinking of something very specific when using "conquerors". then try to come up with another term that gets that idea across.  My only other suggestion to try would be changing "I'll leave" to just "I leave".  To me, it make the act more definite, immediate.  thanks.

[CRNDLSM]

Let conquerors who taste every spring, why conquerors? The spring makes me think seasons, like they live a long time to enjoy decent weather? Then reading expecting youth I get the fountain image of a spring.  I was thinking fountain instead of spring but spring is better, plus conquerors wandering would drink from springs, but do they drink from every spring?  And then I thought why conquerors?  Because conquistadors search for the fountain of youth?  And they have to taste each in case it's the one.
expecting youth, turn to dead marble—  a statue good, lots of people get turned into statues, memories, not just conquerors, but they are all conquerors in a way.  Let them become statues, great, but only the ones who look for the fountain?  
I'll leave your memory are you the conqueror, like, let me leave to find my fountain, but the statue is like the memory, 
in rainbows that smell of hose water I can taste this line, I am outside as a kid enjoying probably the spring time
to forget you in the way ill leave your memory, I'll forget you, just different enough, I like 'you in the way' get out of my way
the wind remembers breath. This is a beautiful line, the wind picks up the breath and moves it, becomes one with it, dispelling it, I am the wind, you are the breath, if I forget you, and the memory is the statue, you must be telling yourself to let the 'you' who wants to live forever to run off and do it, because you don't want to live forever? The hose water is behind you, Im not a child anymore.

This short piece is pretty packed with thought.  Could be cut shorter, could be extended, but it's pretty concise and sweet sounding.  This reminds me of a fancy dinner entree that I should have eaten an appetizer with and might need to have dessert.  I don't know what else to say it's been up here a while.

[alonso ramoran]

CRNDLSM, brynmawr1, Mark, Paul,

Thank you all for the feedback. I hope I was able to do right by them in this edit.

Best,
Alex

[Lizzie]

Hi, alonso. I think you're almost there. Just a couple of comments. 

Let conquerors who taste every spring, -- Assuming that you're referencing the story of Ponce de Leon, you could add "gold" or "golden" as a modifier before "spring," since his convoy was looking for gold as well as immortality. It would be good to say something else about the spring to bring out the contrast with the hose water, even if you don't like golden. You have a multitude of options. 
expecting youth, turn to dead marble,
and leave my memory in rainbows -- maybe a more interesting verb than "leave"? 
that smell of hose water. Forget me in the way -- I'd like to see a break after water. The hose water rainbow is the star image of the poem -- it would be good to pause there for a moment. 
the wind remembers breath. -- the forgetting/remember wordplay is nice. 

I think that your title would be stronger as just "Legacy." "Abiding" doesn't seem to fit wither with the greed of the conquistadors or with the acceptance of transience seen at the end. But, it's a minor concern. 

It's a nice piece, and I wish you all the best with it.

Lizzie

[TranquillityBase]

Let conquerors who taste every spring,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble,
and leave my memory in rainbows
that smell of hose water. Forget me in the way
the wind remembers breath.

Alonso,

I wasn't part of the first round of critiques, so I'm seeing this as a new poem.

My only suggestion/comment is about that word "rainbows".  However, it may just be a knee jerk reaction, since I can't seem to stomach that word in almost any context.  But if I had my druthers, I'd ask for a different word choice.  Or cutting it altogether:

"and leave my memory to savor
that smell of hosewater.  Forget me in the way
the wind remembers breath."

is one suggestion.

or just

"and leave my memory 
to that smell of hosewater.  Forget me in the way
the wind remembers breath."


It's a very succinct and beautiful poem, rainbows or not.

TqB

[Lizzie]

One thing that I will add is that I think it would be best to keep the hose water rainbow image together on the same line. Breaking it on rainbows forces the author to pause unnecessarily to reassemble the image from rainbows in general to a specific one with the key sensory experience tied in. It saps some of the energy out of the initial impact of the image. That image is what makes the piece, in my opinion, so I think it's important to give it the best presentation possible. The risk is that rainbows by itself might seem overdone or cliche in some way, but the hose water is what keeps it from actually being some kind of overly romanticized, throw-away stock image.

[alonso ramoran]

TqB and Lizzie,

Thank you for your feedback! I'll be posting a revision soon.

Best,
AR

[alonso ramoran]

Revision posted. I took some liberties with the feedback, didn't abide by them 100%. I hope the changes still address your concerns.

AR

[Quixilated]

Hello, I'm late to the party, so if you're done tinkering, just ignore.  Also, there were elements of the other versions that I liked, or that helped me understand the poem, so I might be referencing all versions.  

Let colonizers, who drain the springs  This line did confuse me in the earlier versions, I started looking for metaphors that weren't there.  Colonizers plus springs and youth has me thinking of historical figures like Ponce de Leon who searched all over Florida for the fountain of youth.  People who, like a cuckoo bird, have stolen someone else's nest for their own posterity.  
expecting youth, turn to dead marble  Referencing, perhaps, statues that memorialize the interlopers. 
and blur my memory into rainbows  Rainbows could be visual, the rainbow seen in a spray of water, the arched shape of the hose, or symbolic like the colors of the pride flag.  The rainbow plus hose water makes me think of protests and/or pride parades being disrupted.  If this is off base, no worries, we all bring a little of our own experiences when we interpret.  
that smell of hose water. Forget me in the way
the wind remembers breath.  This last line is lovely.  The comparison between the colonizer at the beginning who wants eternity in a fountain of youth and is granted eternity in marble, and the narrator who seems to disappear into a rainbow mist is thought provoking and emotional.  

Some punctuation changes were made.  The new comma is in red, and two were removed.  An adjectival clause should be encased in commas, hence the red one.  The conjunction does not need a comma in this case. 





Draft 2: Abiding Legacy

Let conquerors who taste every spring,
expecting youth, turn to dead marble,
and leave my memory in rainbows  I liked 'leave my memory in rainbows'.  Like the narrator is saying 'leave me alone' to the colonizers.  Again, I didn't read the other comments, you probably changed it for a reason and I like blurred, I just also like leave.  It's like the narrator is planning to put this moment in time or this memory in a capsule and live (or not-live) inside it--forgotten as an individual, but remembered collectively as a forever piece of the event. Also, I might be reading too much into the whole thing, but for my interpretation it works. 
that smell of hose water. Forget me in the way
the wind remembers breath.


Draft 1: Abiding Legacy

Let conquerors who taste every spring,n
expecting youth, turn to dead marble—
I'll leave your memory
in rainbows that smell of hose water
to forget you in the way  I'm not sure why the subject of the poem has changed from 'you' to 'me' in the edits.  I didn't read the other's comments, so there is probably a good reason.  But the poem was more emotional for me when it is a tribute from the living to the dead.  It's like saying, maybe you were invisible and silent and erased, but I'm remembering you with this poem and now you live forever.  I don't know.  I liked it this way.  But it's also good the other way, and it is somehow smoother to read in the final edit, so that is perhaps why. I just didn't want this version to die without getting to say my comment. 
the wind remembers breath.

I enjoyed this poem, and whether I have properly understood it or not, I still very much enjoyed what it meant to me.  I think it's shaping up nicely.  Again, if you're done tinkering, then no worries.  I just didn't want to miss getting to comment.  Well done, and thank you for posting. 

--Quix