Karma Bang Bang

[TranquillityBase]

Three years ago, 
the southern bank was a jungle; 
the only time you saw a deer
was when it came down
out of the brush to drink from the river.

Now the cover is gone. 
I watch the disoriented deer run in herds 
back and forth.

Where those deer run
the works of man
has an RV park in its plans.

It’s a flood plain,
so the river will eventually have a say
and a wildlife habitat will become a home
for vacated wreckage.

When I first came here to live, 

the far side of the river, 

a flood plain, 

was a jungle of brush and trees.  

Seeing a deer come down to drink was a rarity, 

the undergrowth kept the deer hidden.



Then came the machines:   

all that's gone now except for the largest trees.  

Deer have nowhere to hide. 



I watch them run in herds over there

from my backyard above the river’s valley.



Now, in spite of Nature’s inevitable retribution,

they want to build an RV park 

with room for 400 where those deer run.



Words that come to mind seem futile

before the power of the Guadalupe,

whose waters will have the final say.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again, Tim,
I very much appreciate what you're going for here, but think the title could just be "Karma."

As an eyewitness to the power of the Guadalupe I think you could further descriptions to the surrounding area, since what you've offered makes it difficult for me to picture the scene.  What kind of brush?  What kind of trees?  What do the banks of the Guadalupe look like near the floodplain?

I do know that the Guadalupe is prone to serious flooding, yet think you need to add more to the front end before you reach the concluding "final say."  I find it sort of hard to believe that an RV park would even be allowed on a floodplain, but what do I know about Texas?

The uneveness of the line breaks also needs attention. That's part of the reason I'm showing/suggesting couplets, but another format would also work.

I couldn't find a better way to offer further critique for this piece so I did an edit, with only a few modifications:


When I first came to the far side of the Guadalupe,
to live above the flood plain, it was like a jungle

of brush and trees. Seeing deer come down
to drink was a rarity. Undergrowth kept them hidden.

Now the machines have come, and deer have nowhere
to hide.  An RV park with room for 400 coming soon.

Ah, but there will also come that inevitable day
when the enraged waters of the Guadalupe

will have the final say.

[busker]

When I first came here to live, 
the far side of the river, 
a flood plain, 
was a jungle of brush and trees.  
Seeing a deer come down to drink was a rarity, 
the undergrowth kept the deer hidden.     ……these above 4 lines could be compressed into 2 and made more punchy 

Then came the machines:   
all that's gone now except for the largest trees.  
Deer have nowhere to hide. …… too wordy 

I watch them run in herds over there
from my backyard above the river’s valley.

Now, in spite of Nature’s inevitable retribution, …. Maybe make this part of the title. An awkward line
they want to build an RV park 
with room for 400 where those deer run.

Words that come to mind seem futile
before the power of the Guadalupe,
whose waters will have the final say.  ….. I like this last line. I think it’s the one poetic line in the poem. The rest is best redone.

[Erthona]

TB,

A nice idyll with some social consciousness. I think that this sentence is a bit jarring:

"Then came the machines:
all that's gone now except for the largest trees." (when it says all that gone, at first it seems to be referring to the machines, thus the jarring)

"Machines" seem cold and disconnected from man. Maybe something like,

"Then greed came and chopped it all down
nothing left now except for the largest trees."

I've camped on the Guadalupe many times, especially in the state park, really nice place. They have massive thunder storms.

best,

dale

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks for the critiques.  This one definitely came out half-baked initially.  I've revised into something a little better I hope.

Mark, I liked your version, but decided to go a slightly different path.  Yes, it's hard to believe, but it's definitely a flood plain, undeveloped for a reason until now.  One large house was built over there decades ago, flooded into uninhabitability twice in 20 years, but that's not stopping these new plans.  That's Texas:  property rights trumps all reason.

Most of the clearing was done for a sewage project, but someone saw an "opportunity" as they call this kind of hare-brained scheme.