Posts: 16
Threads: 5
Joined: Jun 2021
there were words here,
before.
there were assumptions,
and plans,
things that happen just because they do.
its empty now,
this page, and every page after it.
all my plans, up in smoke.
something pulled my health
out from under me,
and i soon realized there was nothing else.
i do not trust anything.
i do not trust my own body,
and after that, what is there?
the rest of my life is empty,
and i have no pen.
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
.
Hi Micah,
bit of a brutal suggestion, I know, but just stick to the first verse, it does the job rather nicely by itself, I think. Though perhaps add an 'and' to the beginning of the final line. You might also cut the punctuation (since you don't bother with capitals).
Best, Knot
.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(08-14-2021, 01:55 PM)micah3801 Wrote: there were words here,
before.
there were assumptions,
and plans,
things that happen just because they do.
its empty now,
this page, and every page after it.
all my plans, up in smoke. "up in smoke" is too much of a cliche for this poem, "all my plans evaporate" oe something like that?
something pulled my health
out from under me,
and i soon realized there was nothing else.
i do not trust anything.
i do not trust my own body,
and after that, what is there?
the rest of my life is empty,
and i have no pen.
Next to last stanza:
reverse first two lines: i do not trust my own body/i do not trust "a blank page"? or next to last line "the rest of my life is "a blank page"?
and as Knot suggested, drop punctuation.
A strong poem and statement. Excellent read.
TqB
Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
(08-14-2021, 01:55 PM)micah3801 Wrote: there were words here,
before.
there were assumptions,
and plans,
things that happen just because they do.
its empty now,
this page, and every page after it.
all my plans, up in smoke. replace with something else
something pulled my health
out from under me, Not my favorite phrase for describing the situation
and i soon realized there was nothing else.
i do not trust anything.
i do not trust my own body,
and after that, what is there?
the rest of my life is empty,
and i have no pen.
