Posts: 28
Threads: 39
Joined: Jul 2020
for children, mostly
Polar Bears
Polar Bears roaring towards the sky
White and clean
Sitting on barren glaciers
Arctic wind gusting from the north
Mosses and lichens coating the ground and rocks
green and orange
Crusty like dried paint
Goes to sleep
Wakes up on thawed permafrost
Swims in frigid water
Below blue ice
to catch the fish for cubs
And again the next day and the next
Posts: 34
Threads: 5
Joined: Oct 2020
Hello Tb,
Another day, another poem.
But this is disappointing, a list of prosaic statements that are unsurprising and not too engaging.
Polar Bears roaring towards the sky - a confusing opening line - reads like the bears are rapidly flying in the sky.
White and clean - a poet should do better than this
Sitting on barren glaciers - they don't sit on barren glaciers, why would they?
Arctic wind gusting from the north - gusting is too weak - give it some drama!
Mosses and lichens coating the ground and rocks
green and orange
Crusty like dried paint - a random departure - what happened to the snow? - is dried paint particularly crusty?
Goes to sleep - what? the moss and lichen goes to sleep?
Wakes up on thawed permafrost - thawed permafrost, a solid oxymoron!
Swims in frigid water - frigid is too oblique for kids.
Below blue ice - they never swim below the ice.
to catch the fish for cubs - they don't catch fish, but hunt seals on the ice shelf - two click research....
And again the next day and the next - so what? and surely. it's one long day under the midnight sun?
Poems for children have to be immediately engaging, to keep their attention, with rhymes and funny imagery perhaps.
But more than that, this kind of poem should at least be factually correct.............P
