Memories of the future

[TheRavenThatRefusedTo]

You arrived in my life unexpected,
When I was looking the other way,
Then I saw you across the dance floor,
The smile and a brightly lit face.
 
We ran after we started slow,
A few steps, then a mile at a go,
We stole moments from today and tomorrow,
Listening to songs of joy and sorrow.
 
Walking around our town,
Heads up in the sky,
Hand in hand,
With the river on our side.
(Haven’t we been here thrice? You always asked why)
 
We were inseparable for days,
Our bodies quivered as we lay in bed,
(I swear after the 5th time one night I thought I was dead)
With nothing but truth in our hearts and words,
Sitting in sand, collecting shells and watching birds.
 
We talked for hours as nights went by,
A burning passion we couldn’t deny,
Sooner the future we planned couldn’t come,
Roads trips, Lolita, Brazil, and London.
 
Stealing looks in crowded rooms,
Catching a kiss on stairs, as love consumed,
Brushing hands in infinite corridors and lifts,
Who was to know how the world would shift?
 
Then clouds emerged and worlds’ collided,
I acted like a fool, blind and misguided.
Never a better time,
To realize that life is short.
So I said to myself,
Fight for what is worth it,
With all you have got.
 
So I am here now, just for you,
We would be here today, who knew
It is strange to feel nostalgic,
When you are still in my arms
Feels like we already have ours,
Dogs, cats, kids, and that farm.
 
Leaving you like this every week,
Is like caging a bird that just learned to fly,
Dropping you home every evening,
Catching your every last sight from the corner of my eye.
 
And now I have to drive again,
With the smell of your hair on my skin,
The songs we choose will remain,
But it gets hard to keep this love within.
 
We have something precious,
Let’s not squeeze too tight.
Our time will come,
And then it will be all right.
 
All thought, all desires,
That are under the sun,
It feels like we are in THE story of our lives,
And hon, we are only on chapter one.

[easywayout]

Hello, Refused,

You have the beginnings of a good idea here: N is talking to her partner. A few thoughts:

1) A lot of the rhyme here feels forced, leading to awkward phrasing such as S5L3. Try the poem without rhyming first. As it is, forced end-rhyme, such as ‘words/birds’, makes the poem rather singsong, to my ear at least. You may also want to work on the metre. Try writing it in free verse or blank verse.

2) Some specifics would make the poem more concrete. For instance, instead of ‘songs of joy and sorrow’, what song was playing when the N first met her partner? (This doesn’t have to be real - you can make it up.). Similarly, “walking around” which town? Where did they go? Are there any significant places in their relationship that you could use to evoke the lost (or almost-lost) romance? ‘Heads up in the sky’ is still too close to ‘Heads in the clouds’ for my liking. And I admit, my first reaction was, “Isn’t your head always pointing towards the sky when you’re walking?”

At the moment, you do a lot of telling. For instance, from a reader’s perspective, S2 is flat, extraneous. It’s like saying, “We dated for six months, then we had our first kiss on July 22nd and after that we had sex.” Okay, but it doesn’t evoke any interesting images or emotions; it doesn’t tell me anything about N’s journey, or what makes the N’s relationship unique, or interesting, or worthwhile.

3) I really like S8L1 and 2. I think that’s an important aspect of your poem, and it caught my attention because it was so unusual: nostalgia for what you already have. It’s a very specific feeling. S8L3-5, again, are more specific than the rest of the poem. You might want to explore that - what does N imagine? Yes, kids, dogs and a farm, but what sort of dogs? Where would the farm be?

4) See if you can lose the cliches - all of S12. I get the sentiment behind the last two lines of S11, but I think you could convey that using imagery rather than cliche.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. I’m sure others can give more incisive and in-depth critique.

[alicia-sophia]

Lots of rhyme. I do like rhyming poems but I guess too much rhyme is no good. I am a very rookie poet myself and at first, I thought poems has to rhyme or a good poems always rhyme. So here's my opinion ( with very limited knowledge) in this subject matter..

"We ran after we started slow" - I thought this was interesting, like I said, I am new to writing poems. With that said, what would be the ramification of writing this as.. "we started slow and ran after"

The paragraph before "Leaving you like this every week" seems like they were together with dogs and kids and farm.. etc then it jumped to someone leaving every week and "Dropping you home every evening" ... so they're together and not together. It's a bit confusing to me.

This poem is obviously about two people so in love, they're inseparable, with a burning passion they couldn’t deny. Then last two paragraphs they're holding back.

"We have something precious,
Let’s not squeeze too tight.
Our time will come,
And then it will be all right."

Why? why are we going back and forth with this?

"To realize that life is short."

So what is it? are we holding back on this love? or life is too short?