Always Behind Closed Doors

[Richard]

Always Behind Closed Doors

I will never be curtains open
on a spring day,
dust particles lazily riding
streaks of sunlght to a rest;
glass warm against lonely palm.

My windows are boarded up, nails
catch those nosey enough
to find make-believe monsters
in cracked foundations,
rotted front steps,
rusted door locks-
spare keys buried in a soil
the same shade as your eyes.

Our goodbyes just words,
the kiss lost next to nervous hands
who play with lint inside pockets.
Our eye contact limited
by good manners to ten seconds,
and as I count, I envision
you will build a mansion from fresh lumber,
curtains drawn everyday,
but closed each night.

[billy]

the last stanza reads to me as though from a female perspective, the first as though from a males. as usual i like the originality. i like how it holds up loneliness and shyness. there's also a hint of fear in there. some good images and a solid simile for the soil/eyes. thanks for the read.

Always Behind Closed Doors

I will never be curtains open
on a spring day, would a semi work better here?
dust particles lazily riding
streaks of sunlght to a rest; [sunlight]
glass warm against lonely palm. i like the opening stanza. it sets the scene

My windows are boarded up, nails would [windows boarded up...] work better. for me the my is already implied with the rest of the stanza
catch those nosey enough
to find make-believe monsters
in cracked foundations,
rotted front steps,
rusted door locks-
spare keys buried in a soil the [a] doesn't work for me though that could be my problem and not yours.
the same shade as your eyes. congrats on using a non cliche simile for eyes, soil works well here.

Our goodbyes just words, [just words] feels a little weak
the kiss lost next to nervous hands [next to] doesn't work for me, a suggestion would be [as are] and change who to that on the next line. just something to think about.
who play with lint inside pockets.
Our eye contact limited no need for our, the first one is still working
by good manners to ten seconds,
and as I count, I envision
you will build a mansion from fresh lumber,
curtains drawn everyday,
but closed each night.

[Richard]

Hey billy,
Thanks for the feedback. I actually changed this quite a bit when I typed it up, so it's nice to hear those changes were worthwhile. I really like some your suggestions for the wording. I always love to cut words when I can

Thanks again,
Richard

[carl griffin]

Always Behind Closed Doors

I will never be curtains open           (consider putting a full stop here, as if to say you're in this mood whatever the weather. It's a great opening line)
on a spring day,                            (this line, like the stanza as a whole, would benefit from an extra element)
dust particles lazily riding               (lazily is probably not the best word that can go here. it's a strong image but rest might be enough) 
streaks of sunlght to a rest;           (rest is a great word here)
glass warm against lonely palm.      (a palm against a window hints at longing, so lonely is redundant here)
       (how can you put a hand on the window when the curtains are never open? Metaphors should be allowed to breathe through the rest of the poem)
My windows are boarded up, nails   (I feel like the window should have 2 things about it, in the same amount of lines. Or you could go the opposite way 
catch those nosey enough                and make this part more subtle)
to find make-believe monsters
in cracked foundations,                   (I like these lines a lot, esp. make-believe and cracked foundations)
rotted front steps,
rusted door locks-
spare keys buried in a soil               (does anyone hide keys in a soil? tho of course it's more original than flower pot.)
the same shade as your eyes.         (black eyes? she hasn't been punched. but again, flowers and eye colour would be cliched)

Our goodbyes just words,               (goodbyes: cliched)
the kiss lost next to nervous hands   (the kiss: cliched)
who play with lint inside pockets.    (who for hands? hands aren't people.)
Our eye contact limited                  (eye is perfectly fine, but the line would work without it too)
by good manners to ten seconds,    (great line)
and as I count, I envision                (at least 3 things going on this line. brilliant)
you will build a mansion from fresh lumber,
curtains drawn everyday,
but closed each night.                 (why not open every day and all through the night, contrast?

I would like to see more ideas in this poem. The main focus is too limited to be interesting for 3 stanzas. Either add to it, or zone in on it more and be bolder with it. I would also like to learn more about the partner, without her/him taking over the poem. 

The first line and the last image are great. In my view, it would be unwise to discard them in any rewrites.

[Richard]

Hey Carl,
Thanks for the feedback. I especially like your point about the palm on the glass not being consistent with the opening metaphor... need to work on that. Will give everything you said some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
like the title, sets a mood instantly.

Agree with Carl about L1 ending in a period and the ‘lonely palm’ problem :

don’t think you need ‘my windows’ in S2, just ‘I am … ‘
Do you need ‘make-believe’?

S4. I like what you’re trying to do here, but it doesn’t feel as fluent as the rest
(and ‘curtains drawn’ can mean both open or closed, so the ending doesn’t work
well for me. More so, on reflection, when the title is ‘Closed Doors’). Also,
‘lumber’ is a rather ‘lumbering’ word :

think you need to better develop the metaphor and make the format more regular.
(Maybe consider starting with S2).

I am boarded up.
[because?]
Nails catch those nosey enough
to find monsters hiding
in cracked foundations,

I will never be curtains open
[because?]
On a spring day, dust particles
ride lazy streaks of sunlight
to a rest;

Best, Knot.

.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. Reordering the stanzas is an idea worth exploring. Need to give this some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard