First Edit: Weather Warning

[Richard]

Weather Warning

Those words remind me of snowflakes
melted on our tongues.

This darkening sky could be your memory.
The storm begins as silent tears
hide beneath a blanket too heavy for one;
wind quieter than arguments
long ended.
Eventual whiteout a lonely climax, missing
your joke about the polar bear in a blizzard.

Yesterday a ghost vanished by daylight,
night returns silence, as it always does.

Original:

Weather Warning

Those words remind me of snowflakes we've tasted-
individuality lost on our tongues.

Darkening sky could be your memory.
The storm begins quiet as tears
hidden beneath a blanket too heavy for one;
growing wind becomes louder than arguments
about whose turn it was to make the bed.
Eventual whiteout a lonely climax, missing
your joke about the polar bear in a blizzard.

Night returns silence, like it always does,
yesterday a ghost vanquished by daylight.

[Elizazile]

Hi Richard!
This poem hurts my heart !! So congrats on that
First, I like the title a lot. I like the seeming double meaning of 'warning,' it's good to come back to when you've finished the poem.

Those words remind me of snowflakes we've tasted-
individuality lost on our tongues. ---makes me think in terms of both individual snowflakes melting together, and the couple losing their individuality as well, a 'warning' sign. Liked this.

Darkening sky could be your memory. -I like this line, I think it's a good transition and shows the two may have had different takeaways from the relationship

The storm begins quiet as tears
hidden beneath a blanket too heavy for one; --- Not sure if this is 'one' as in 'someone?' Or too heavy for 'one' tear?
growing wind becomes louder than arguments
about whose turn it was to make the bed.
Eventual whiteout a lonely climax, missing
your joke about the polar bear in a blizzard. ----Sweet last two lines, hurt my feelings in a good way.

Night returns silence, like it always does,
yesterday a ghost vanquished by daylight.

I thought this was smooth and liked it a lot. One thing that struck me, if this makes sense, is that it feels like the first and last stanzas were less straightforward, and more double meanings, whereas the middle stanza had more simile ('quiet as tears') and comparison ('louder than arguments') and seemed more direct, and I found those instances slightly less hard-hitting.

Thanks for letting us read

[Richard]

Hey Elizazile,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. One of my biggest concerns about this poem was the ending, so I'm quite glad that you thought that it worked with the rest of the poem. I noticed what you pointed out about the different stanzas having different feels to them. I need to give that some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard

Weather Warning

Those words remind me of snowflakes we've tasted-
(I think you could cut 'we've tasted' it's implied by
'lost on our tongues')
individuality lost on our tongues.
(I get the meaning, I think, but 'individuality' just
seems like too long a word, could the shorter
'uniqueness' or 'differences' work instead?)

Darkening sky could be your memory.
(Either 'A/This darkening...' or 'Darkening skies...' ?)
The storm begins quiet as tears
(Sonically, 'quiet as' is a bit slippery, do you need 'as'?)
hidden beneath a blanket too heavy for one;
(comma after 'blanket')
growing wind becomes louder than arguments
('growing wind' - hard to avoid a flatulence interpretation).
about whose turn it was to make the bed.
(like the domestic detail, likewise the 'joke')
Eventual whiteout a lonely climax, missing
('Eventual' is comparatively weak, do you need it?)
your joke about the polar bear in a blizzard.

Night returns silence, like it always does,
(Perhaps 'as' for 'like' to get rid of the hard 'k' ?
'like it always does' is pleasingly conversational,
but then the next line doesn't continue that tone).
yesterday a ghost vanquished by daylight.
(not sure about 'vanquished')

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. As always, you gave me some wonderful suggestions about wording/language.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

I haven't read any of the comments so hopefully, this isn't redundant. A few comments for you.

I like this but as I read it I keep wanting to condense parts. This could purely be a style choice on my part. So, take that for what it's worth.

Weather Warning

Those words remind me of snowflakes we've tasted---There's nothing particularly wrong with "we've tasted" I just think our tongues gets you there. It gives a sense of intimacy and sensuality without needing the we've tasted part.
individuality lost on our tongues.--I'm not a fan of individuality. Yes they're all unique and I see what your going for as the two become one in a sense through "those words", but I think you could simply show that in the image. Lost isn't bad but I prefer staying with the image "melted".

Darkening sky could be your memory.
The storm begins quiet as tears--perhaps cut begins
hidden beneath a blanket too heavy for one;--again I like the theme work on too heavy for one
growing wind becomes louder than arguments--perhaps cut becomes
about whose turn it was to make the bed.--unnecessary detail and distracting, I'd cut the line
Eventual whiteout a lonely climax, missing
your joke about the polar bear in a blizzard.

Night returns silence, like it always does,
yesterday a ghost vanquished by daylight.--maybe vanished in instead of vanquished by. I also would consider inverting the two lines. May not be better but just a thought.

Hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[alonso ramoran]

Weather Warning

Those words remind me of snowflakes we've tasted- colon here instead of dash? 
individuality lost on our tongues. I like your start. I agree w Todd on his sentiments of staying with the image. "Melted" would be a nice change

Darkening sky could be your memory.
The storm begins quiet as tears 
hidden beneath a blanket too heavy for one; I'm not sure if "hidden" is the word you're looking for in the context of this simile where a blanket is too heavy. Maybe something like "smothered"? Idk, even then it still doesn't make much sense... the blanket simile just feels a bit like it doesn't belong in spite of the mention of a bed in this stanza's fifth line.
growing wind becomes louder than arguments
about whose turn it was to make the bed. 
Eventual whiteout a lonely climax, missing comma between whiteout and a
your joke about the polar bear in a blizzard.

Night returns silence, like it always does,
yesterday a ghost vanquished by daylight. Although these lines do sound nice, I fail to see their importance as the poem's conclusion. Maybe I'm missing something.

If I was to guess specifically on what type of storm this poem is talking about, I would say blizzard. The blanket simile makes much more sense in that context (blankets of snow), yet I still can't see how tears are quiet since tears are inherently quiet. I still stand by my comments on the last stanza but I will say I like this image of "a ghost being vanquished by daylight"; the image is something like watching overnight snow evaporate in morning light.

i take it this is about the death of a s/o?

Best, Alex

[Richard]

Hey Todd and Alex,

Thanks for the feedback. You both made some strong points I will consider when I do the edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

For Alex:

It didn't start as that, but ended up going in that direction. I was intentionally vague so it could be read as being about a death of a s/o or just the end of a relationship.

[Richard]

Hey all,
I finally got around to editing this one. Feel free to let me know if it's going in the right direction.

Thanks in advance,
Richard