The problem with party's at friends you don't really know

[Keith]

My shirt made me feel fat
and the sofa was too soft
for short legs.

She was scraped back, DrM booted
and mostly wearing black, makeup included,
confident about being uncomfortable.

I immediatley put her in my emo box
and opened another can.
I didn't watch her sit down on the arm
of my sofa.

"You look safe" she said
as she leaned against me.
I nodded in resigned agreement.

My wife came back from the toilet,
"they got a walk in shower" she said,
I nodded in suprised agreement.

"Who's she"? aked my wife with a guard dogs welcome.
I shrugged my shoulders and sunk a little more.
"I'm Rachel", answered the emo, "he looked safe".

My wife nodded in wistful acceptance.
I opened another can, they gulped wine.
Problem was I felt anything but safe.

[Knot]

My shirt made me feel fat
terrific start, though maybe add some colour to the shirt and sofa?
and the sofa was too soft
for short legs.

She was scraped back, DrM booted
perhaps 'DM booted' for a better flow
and mostly wearing black, makeup included,
don't think you need the 'and'
the booted/included rhyme jars a bit.
confident about being uncomfortable.
in what sense 'uncomfortable'?

I immediatley put her in my emo box
and opened another can.
I didn't watch her sit down on the arm
of my sofa.
'didn't watch' or didn't see'?
repetition of 'my'
The only four line verse.

"You look safe" she said
as she leaned against me.
I nodded in resigned agreement.
Just a suggestion;
Resigned and silent, I nodded.

My wife came back from the toilet,
"they got a walk in shower" she said,
I nodded in suprised agreement.
This line doesn't work/do enough I think.

"Who's she"? aked my wife with a guard dogs welcome.
Do you need to repeat 'my wife'?
Why not;
"who's she?", a question with a guard dog's welcome.
I shrugged my shoulders and sunk a little more.
"I'm Rachel", answered the emo, "he looked safe".
repetitionof emo is a bit weak.

My wife nodded in wistful acceptance.
Why does everyone keep nodding?
I opened another can, they gulped wine.
How quickly does N open and drink cans?
This is the second 'I opened another can' line
Problem was I felt anything but safe.
Wonder what happens if you lose the last word?

Like the scene and the lugubrious narrator,
but too many repetitions weaken it for me.
And, by the end, the title didn't seem relevant.

Best, Knot

[Keith]

My shirt made me feel fat
terrific start, though maybe add some colour to the shirt and sofa?
and the sofa was too soft
for short legs.

She was scraped back, DrM booted
perhaps 'DM booted' for a better flow
and mostly wearing black, makeup included,
don't think you need the 'and'
the booted/included rhyme jars a bit.
confident about being uncomfortable.
in what sense 'uncomfortable'?

I immediatley put her in my emo box
and opened another can.
I didn't watch her sit down on the arm
of my sofa.
'didn't watch' or didn't see'?
repetition of 'my'
The only four line verse.

"You look safe" she said
as she leaned against me.
I nodded in resigned agreement.
Just a suggestion;
Resigned and silent, I nodded.

My wife came back from the toilet,
"they got a walk in shower" she said,
I nodded in suprised agreement.
This line doesn't work/do enough I think.

"Who's she"? aked my wife with a guard dogs welcome.
Do you need to repeat 'my wife'?
Why not;
"who's she?", a question with a guard dog's welcome.
I shrugged my shoulders and sunk a little more.
"I'm Rachel", answered the emo, "he looked safe".
repetitionof emo is a bit weak.

My wife nodded in wistful acceptance.
Why does everyone keep nodding?
I opened another can, they gulped wine.
How quickly does N open and drink cans?
This is the second 'I opened another can' line
Problem was I felt anything but safe.
Wonder what happens if you lose the last word?

Like the scene and the lugubrious narrator,
but too many repetitions weaken it for me.
And, by the end, the title didn't seem relevant.

Best, Knot

Thank you Knots, all solid feedback and some good suggestions, really appreciated. best Keith

[shemthepenman]

i really like this one. it’s really good.

[Keith]

i really like this one. it’s really good.

Cheers Shem its good to know it works. Best keith